Unspoken things

Shame is a topic that has been going around in my head for a long time now. The very fact I feel afraid to write about it shows that it needs to be tackled. There have been so many incarnations of this post. I keep getting scared, deleting it and trying to write it again. We'll see how far this one gets.

If you asked me to list my proudest moments from life so far, I could maybe list off 5 things at a push. I wouldn't be able to tell you many details, just a few basic bullet points. If you asked me to list the times I felt shame, I will lose count. I will also be able to tell you how old I was, where I was, what words were said, who said it, who witnessed it and what that's meant for me further down the line. I'm not sure if talking about shame opens old wounds or starts the healing process, we shall see.

I remember being 7, looking at a photo of me after a ballet exam. Pink leotard, pink tights, pink ballet shoes, hair scraped back and my thighs touching. Looking at that photo I felt disgusted, I knew my body shouldn't look like that. I was not a good person because I did not look right. At age 7, my value was in how I perceived my body. At age 10, a boy in my class commented on my body. That was all the confirmation I needed. The years following didn't matter. One comment was all it took to know that I would never be good enough. Looking back now I still hate my body, I still hate how it looks, but I also hate that I've held this belief for almost 20 years.

Whilst babysitting on Monday I jotted some notes down for this post (don't worry, the baby was napping at the time!). I don't think I need to elaborate on this.

Hurt.
Told someone.
More hurt.
Told no-one.
Assumptions.
I let someone in.
Pain.
I shut everyone out.
Broken.
I gave up caring.
Shame.
Secrets.
Silence.
Safe.
Brave.
Speak.

For years, I've believed I'm broken. I'm worth nothing because that is all the world has ever told me. As I let God in to my life, some things started to change but I held on to some secrets. The words associated to things brought more pain, things I wanted to leave in my past. I was hurt because I was broken. I did not break because I was hurt. 2 summers ago, I got brave. I spent the whole summer learning to trust someone and then I used words I'd never used before out loud (I'd tried previously but was too poorly for anything to be done) And this person listened. She didn't laugh, or tell me I was lying. She hugged me. She prayed for me. Most importantly, 2 years later, she's still a friend.

2017 for me is about words. But sometimes I think actions speak louder than words. I'm thankful for several loyal friends. People who know almost the full story, and some who don't quite, but regardless they've stuck around. It's words that broke me; words I spoke over myself long before anyone else voiced my thoughts. While words can heal too, sometimes it just isn't enough.  Action is needed. Love someone a little harder today.

Shame is an awful emotion. It destroys everything in you and your relationship with everyone around you. I battle every single day with some part of me- be it my physical being or my actions or someone else's actions or in fact my inaction but it's changing. It takes up less brain space. I'm getting there. Love changes things. Not just the love from others, or the love from myself but the love God gives. His abundant love is powerful. It's breaking down walls from long ago. God's perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18) I'm scared but I have people who don't run away from me and a God who loves me despite all my flaws. I'm laying myself out here because these are the things that have brought me to where I am today.

I'm posting this today because of someone at church tonight who was so plainly honest. I admire her and her strength and while she was talking I knew tonight I need to be open too and post this blog. I'm not posting this on my own strength, God has given me the courage to do so.

Isaiah 54:4 says
Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded; for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. This verse has been in my head the entire time I've been trying to write on shame. What a comfort! The rest of that passage is equally powerful and I suggest you look it up. But for now I'm taking a deep breath and hitting publish.

Words can be damaging...

Recently I've had some many blog post ideas, but the second I sit down and start typing my head goes "NO. You absolutely cannot write about this" and so I give up. Which would be fine if this only went for blogging. However it's fallen in to every part of life.

No. You cannot write this job application.

No. You cannot make this food.

No. You cannot wear this outfit.

No. You cannot go to that event.

It's taken me a while to work out why suddenly my head is telling me no to everything. Someone recently told me "you're better than X" (if I specified what X actually is (not a person) it would take all but 3 seconds to work out who said it and what about). In some cases, this would be encouraging, reminding me I am worth much more. Alas, in this case it minimised something that I had put my heart and soul in to for nearly a year and suddenly I began to question my value. Was this thing, that I worked so hard at just X and nothing more?

Rationally I know the answer is no. I can list my achievements and know full well it was much more. But that bit of my brain that says that I'm no good, will never amount to anything and certainly need to stop thinking I've ever been good at anything to start with. 

With changes in life, with time to stop and appreciate the now, to invest in neglected relationships, I forgot to be on my guard about what is really going on in my head. In the midst of the joy of spending time with housemates and friends, I've had several rejections from jobs I've applied to. On their own that isn't anything significant, but at night or when I'm on my own, the thoughts are returning full-force. I'm not good enough. I exist to make other people happy but I deserve nothing. 

Recently I've told several people parts of my story I'd long buried or believed insignificant but those thoughts are deafening in times of unemployment "you'd be better off on benefits" and "you'll never really function in society". Things said without second thought over 4 years ago now and yet they still haunt me. 4 years ago I was told to give up on my dream of nursing. While I don't want to return to nursing, my head doesn't care. My brain relishes reminding me of my failure. You'll never be valuable. Stop trying. Give up on every dream, mental illness has already taken it. 

And so here I am. Trying my hardest to find some new job. I know my work does not define me, but in the quiet of unemployment my head has free reign and I need something to prove it wrong again. I'm clinging on with my fingertips. Appreciating every little thing that comes my way for now but longing for something more permanent. To prove I can and I will. Depression may destroy bits of each day, but I will not let it destroy my life again. In the meantime, any kind words sent my way would be appreciated. 

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

-Ephesians 4:29

Words are powerful

I titled this post over a month ago and yet didn't really know where I was going to go with it. I considered all the negative words that have been spoken over me; words that still, on the worst days, float around my head taunting me and telling me that the people who spoke them were right. Nowadays, I can choose whether I listen or not, but back then they were the only things being spoken in to my life.

At the start of this past week, things I had hoped for work-wise fell through (2 jobs, 1 voluntary thing). In 48 hours I had everything that was making this awkward transition period easier taken away from me. Getting one rejection message is hard at any time. Getting 3 in 2 days is really really rubbish. And yet, that is exactly what happened.

I'd be lying if I said I am 100% ok after that. And I'd also be lying if I said I was impeccable company to have around on Wednesday. I was tired and grumpy and all-round miserable. However I am taking the news about a billion times better than I would have done 6 months ago.

Last weekend was my church's weekend away. I spent 90% of the time sobbing and convincing myself everyone hated me. But equally in the other 10% of the time (mainly in the car to and from the weekend, but not exclusively) I had some really important conversations with people who actually mean quite a lot to me. 

One of those people I was talking to about having jobs lined up and that all would be ok. They shot back a comment about "needing to find me something more permanent". It startled me but got me thinking.

With another I was discussing what I really wanted in a job (very little actually matched with what I had planned) and where I thought my future was leading. 

The final one we just talked about lots of things in the past and future but as we talked I was making decisions in my mind. 

Mainly though the whole weekend God was speaking. He gave me a picture at one point, of a dark house with 2 lights still on. Then the lights switched off and He said "you're done here now". And as I started to type this blog, I realised that partly relates to the 2 job things. They were in one line of work that I love but don't want to do forever. It's about other stuff too, but it makes sense. 

I'd also already prayed about the two jobs and come to the conclusion they weren't the right thing. The jobs falling through wasn't a surprise in any way by the time the messages came through. It was hard but God had been telling me there's something better. Sometimes God speaks to me directly, sometimes He uses other people. Either way, this weekend I gave Him space to speak. 

I could really easily let the voices from years ago that tell me I'm not good enough speak louder. I could let them convince me that I'm worthless and will never be a truly functioning member of society. Or I could let the affirming voices of those who surround me now telling me they want me to have stability and that there so much more to life that I need to experience. 

I know who I'm choosing to listen to. Negative words might be powerful, but positive words are life giving and I'm choosing to cling tightly to those because I fully trust that God has amazing things in store for me. 

OneWord 365 2017

Speak.

This word did not come easily. There must have been maybe 20 other words I thought about but none were right. So just after Christmas, I took myself on a prayer walk. Within 30 seconds, I had my word. Speak. Then ensued 15 minutes of arguing with God because I absolutely did not want this word. Speak. What am I meant to do with this?! Brave was scary, can I not have an easier word this year? Please, anything is better than speak. Then God gave me the verse to go with it. A very wildcard verse to appear in my head (especially as at that moment, I was not listening particularly well!)

"Speak, for your servant is listening" 1 Samuel 3:10 when God is talking to Samuel but he thinks it is Eli calling him. Samuel eagerly responds to Eli saying "Here I am". Eventually Eli realises God is speaking and tells Samuel to respond with this sentence when God calls to him again. Samuel responds and God tells him big things.

Once I'd got over the fact I cannot change my word for 2017, I started to think. I started to write this post in my head as I walked and so many things came to me that are linked to this word.

Firstly, back in autumn 2015 I ventured in to the world of practicing the discipline of submission. I was great at it for a term, and then the assignment was done and I stopped. I had a negativity jar and was watching my speech- was what I said True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, Kind? "From out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45). Back to moderating what I say and knowing when to stay silent. Challenge number 1.

Secondly, being brave has involved lots of speaking out about things that have happened or that I'm going through. I can be brave with words on a page. Can I be brave with my voice? I can't leave bravery behind in 2017 so that's challenge number 2. Being brave and speaking out more, especially when it feels hardest.

Finally, the real heart of 1 Samuel 3:10. Being prepared for God to speak. In return I am listening. Communication is not a one-sided thing. We don't need to speak for a conversation to happen. But like Samuel, I need to speak in order to show that I'm ready to listen to God. Honestly, in the last 4 months I can count on my hands how many times I've prayed, and on one hand the amount of times I've heard from God. That's hard to admit, but it is true. I'm coming from a place of conversation breakdown with God and it needs to change. Speak holds so emotions for me. It's scary; God might say something I do not want to hear, I might feel not ready to hear what He has to say. I might misunderstand what He is saying. All these things could go wrong. But what about all the things that could go right?!

And with this is the overall challenge for my year: giving God time to speak to me, truly listening to what He has to say, letting Him guide me in life further. This year once again holds so many uncertainties. But of one thing I am completely sure. God wont ever leave me alone in it. He is my hope and my anchor, my solid Rock.

I'm sure more will unfold over the year but for now these are the starting blocks.

So here it goes...
Speak, for your servant is listening. 

Stubborn or determined?

Apologies for not blogging for a while. I've been incredibly poorly and my laptop has been very very sulky. I also am sorry for not blogging about the festive season at this time of year- not my thing! As a result of my poorly laptop I'm currently typing this on a tablet which is odd and annoying and also not my thing which leads on to my final apology: sorry if there are any typos. Typing on a tablet is enough of a challenge, let alone checking the behaviour of autocorrect. Tomorrow I'll have a new laptop but today I have time so in my stubborn state I will blog using the tablet and it will be OK.

That was a sneaky way to lead in to this! This post has been drafted in my mind for 3 weeks or so now and I'm just getting time to type it.

I'm stubborn. Always have been. I think it is a side effect of being an only child. I didn't have to compete with anyone for years so I got used to getting my own way. I am right. I know what I'm doing. I'm independent and therefore I will do it myself.

While growing up, to outsiders, I was painfully shy and reserved and couldn't possibly answer any questions sent my way, I always knew exactly what I wanted. I knew what I wanted to do, what I didn't want to do, whether fighting the 'I do not want to do this' thoughts were worth it or not. If I did not want to do something on holiday or in any after school clubs I wouldn't do them. I may not have been able to articulate it but I knew. Years of sobbing and panic attacks was my way of saying no. I've gotten better over the years. I can just say no or admit that I want to do it my way and you are wrong if you want to disagree with me!

Over the last year, attending careers seminars, writing my CV and completing job applications has made me reconsider my stubbornness. How do I write that in a list of personal qualities? How do I make it a good thing? Sometime in spring someone described me as determined and it got me thinking. It's become more of a fixture in my description of myself. When there a cause I believe in, I'm determined to do what I can for it. If my friend is hurting, all my focus goes on doing what I can- I want the best outcome for them. In a job, I'm determined to do my best; half hearted is just not good enough. It might take me a couple more hours but the end result needs to be just right (usually my perception of just right!)

3 weeks ago, I was reminded once again about this part of me. I alluded to being very poorly recently and it's true. You don't need more detail than that. However that is what got me thinking. My GP, as lovely as she is, basically said that we'd tried pretty much everything else possible and the only option is to refer myself back to a service I don't really ever want to go near again. And that's when I realised how much I'd given up on myself. But that isn't where it ends. My stubborn streak kicked in. I am not going back to that service; there are many more torturous options I'd rather endure than be referred back to this one place.

But am I being stubborn because I'm refusing to refer myself somewhere? Because my determination level to get better went off the charts. I can do this. I do not need another waiting list to sit on, one that will pretty much put my life on hold (2 years long just to be assessed, pre-therapy for at least 3 months, means I'd be expecting to stay in Oxford for at least 4 more years without any option to move away etc). Do I want this? No. (Well I want to stay in Oxford but out of choice, not necessity!)

I'm determined to beat these illnesses. I know I can do this because how many other things have I gotten before out of sheer stubbornness and doing it my way?! On the outside I look stubborn and like I'm refusing help but honestly it's sparked so much determination in me. I can get better and I will get better. It won't be with medication (I can't be treated with medication, this is not me being anti-meds!) and it won't be with a referral to a 'we've tried everything else' service. It will be because I am strong enough. OK, I'm not strong enough in myself but that's OK because I've got Jesus and he strengthens me to face anything including the mental illnesses that have been plaguing me over half my life. I'll be going in to 2017 with a renewed sense if determination. I can do this for me, because I need to. It's been too long.

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Philippians 4:11-13

What I Wish You Knew About My Mental Illness: Part 2

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about common misconceptions people have relating to depression. I have Atypical Anorexia too and that comes with a whole other bundle of things that people wrongly think. I'm going to tackle a couple of these in this post.

1) Eating disorders are a teenage girl thing- surely you're too old for this?
Yes, I am aware I am no longer a teenager. I was once, and that's when all this started. It turns out if you don't get the right help at the right time, you don't just grow out of it and so over 10 years later I'm still plagued by an eating disorder.

2) You can't have anorexia, you're overweight
Yup, and that's why it is "atypical". And if you ask me why it's atypical, I'll probably tell you "it's because I'm fat". That isn't entirely true. My more obvious symptoms fit quite well in to the "bulimia" category, however my mindset is very much that of someone with anorexia. The guilt over eating anything is there, if I can find an excuse to skip a meal I will but my guilt leads me to compensating by purging in a variety of ways. Either way, the professionals diagnosed me and I have to trust their diagnosis is right.

3) Surely you're just a fussy eater
Ah no. That's completely separate. Yes, I am an insanely fussy eater. It's easier to ask me the list of foods I like instead of the foods I don't like. I've been a fussy eater since I was a child. My mum never forced me to try anything I didn't want to. Yes, maybe it was me being slightly spoilt, maybe it was me being difficult but I'll try foods when I want to. It's safer to not pressure me to eat something I don't want to.

4) But I've watched you eat normally
People with eating disorders still eat! Normal is a very flexible concept. And in actual fact I eat much better when I'm with people, than I do when I'm left to my own devices with food. I also do have periods when I can eat like a 'normal' person for a couple of weeks at a time. Then the guilt wins and my head gets shouty and I give in to the negative thoughts. Two weeks of doing ok does not reverse my diagnosis, or the second anyone entered recovery they'd be completely fine!

5) Having an eating disorder and being vegetarian is disordered.

I hate being asked why I'm vegetarian, because in my case this is 95% true. I am a vegetarian as a result of my eating disorder and it allows me to have an excuse to be restrictive. However for me it also helps; it gives me fewer menu options so I don't spend an hour deciding what to eat, I can't binge on fast food because it's less available and meat for me is the biggest trigger food for certain behaviours. It isn't a long term solution, but it makes things more manageable currently. I've never had real support for eating disorder recovery and this is just how I've learnt to keep myself stable. This isn't the case for everyone though; people have ethical reasons to be vegetarian or vegan. I'm not judging people's life choices and you don't need to either.


I'm sorry if this hasn't been the most articulate post, I so often dismiss my eating disorder as "it's not the real issue" so I don't ever have to talk about this stuff. I fail with words when people make these comments, so I thought I'd try writing the answers to make the words come more easily next time I'm asked.

What I Wish You Knew About My Mental Illness...

Monday 10th October is World Mental Health Day. Time to Change's Story Camp inspired me and so this blog post is happening. I've not so bluntly spoken about my mental health in a long time and this feels weird but hopefully I can do this.

I currently have 2 diagnoses. Depression and Atypical Anorexia. This week I surprised my boss by asking to take my time in lieu in one go instead of taking a week off sick; she had very little idea. There are so many misconceptions about mental illness. I want to tackle a couple related to depression that I've experienced- and they're all lies that my head likes to tell me regularly.

1) A relapse of depression means something has happened in my life.
Believe it or not, everything in my life is pretty darn good currently. Work is amazing, I love where I'm living, I have fabulous friends, I'm taking my medication every single day. Depression doesn't always have a cause, sometimes medication stops working, sometimes nothing big triggers it. It isn't a delayed reaction to something that happened weeks/months ago. I'm not faking it nor am I doing anything wrong. Sometimes it happens without any cause.

2) I can't be depressed because I have good days.
Up until Tuesday, I went in to work every single day and plastered a smile on my face. I did everything I was meant to, in the time frame I needed to and chatted to colleagues in spare moments. I used every ounce of energy that I had to do that. 4 hours out of 24 hours every day. 20 hours of letting my head win so I have the energy for 4 hours of fighting. In the past 3 days, leaving the house has been near impossible, and that's after getting dressed. Just because I don't show you outwardly what's going on in my head, doesn't mean I'm fine.

3) My friends are used to my depression and know exactly how to help so no-one else needs to get involved. 
Honestly, from one episode to the next, I cannot tell you what has consistently helped. Sometimes being with my friends is the best thing, sometimes sleeping for 18 hours a day is better. Sometimes continuing life as normal is helpful, sometimes it just masks what is really going on. If I knew what helped, I could tell my friends or even potentially help myself. If you have a new idea, say. I'm relatively ok with people suggesting things (except "have you tried meditating/medication/thinking more positively).

4) Don't get close to me because I am a burden. 
I really struggle with this one. I believe that I am an utter drain on my friends because I'm attention seeking and needy and always interrupting their lives. I know this isn't true. My friends are really good at telling me when it's too much but they're also amazing at dropping everything and making sure I'm ok. They also respect my space if I go silent on them for a couple of days. You do not need to avoid me, I maintain balanced friendships and your bad week will not send me spiralling- my depression also isn't contagious.

5) You can't be a real Christian/God can't be real because you're not healed.
This is the one I have the biggest fight with. I know God is real. I chose to follow Jesus 2.5 years ago and I don't regret this at all. Life following Jesus isn't easy, even when I am well there are challenges but that's ok. One really clear thing throughout this entire time is that God will use my story in a powerful way. I used to ask for healing frequently and He would tell me "no", that answer has changed over the past year to "not yet". And this is the hope that keeps me clinging on for better days- I just have to be patient. Please don't judge me for my faith nor God for not healing me instantly. Respect my beliefs. I have hope for the future and that's what keeps me alive. One day it will be better,

I know there are so many more but these are the five biggest misconceptions I experience regularly. If there are other massive stigma that you've experienced and think I've missed, feel free to comment. Slowly we'll break through stigma and people will understand more.