Decided it was time to enter the blogging world- the grown up blogging world.
One quarter of the way through 2015 and it's been such a whirlwind already. One complete breakdown, one horrific work meeting, one resignation letter and an awful lot of cakes later and I'm finally feeling human again. I can once again think further ahead than the next two hours. I'm not spending my days in pjs because getting dressed is impossible, but because I'm comfy in them! I'm volunteering and feeling useful. I'm socialising. I'm participating in life. My house is a tip because I'm busy, not because it reflects my mental state. Dare I say it, but I actually am happy. I'm confident. I'm comfortable with the whole situation. Nothing feels out of control.
Over a year after being referred, I finally started pre-therapy this past Monday. I was anxious beforehand, but who isn't starting something new? Especially in a group! I was surprised when I got there. I slotted in to the group setting easily- once I relax, I love social situations so this was not surprising. As the group began, everyone gave an update of their weeks; what had happened, how they felt, what they want to work on this coming week. I didn't really know what to say so simply admitted I had been anxious about coming in to the group. As the morning progressed, there were stories of broken relationships, difficult family dynamics, alcohol and so on. We did an activity about where we'd like to travel or places we had deep connections to. Almost everyone said that these things would never happen yet there was such longing in their voices to get away from here, their situations, their lives. I left the group feeling so out of place- I don't have these things going on, I don't have a desire to escape life. I felt like a spoilt onl;y child who didn't get her way in life and had an extended tantrum. I'm not sick, why am I taking up a valuable space in the group?
I went to see my friend after and spent some time playing with her 2 year old son. It was joyful but there was still this nagging in the back of my head. I couldn't pin it down though. I spoke to a friend in the evening and she was simply saying I was in that situation at work but with that gone the stress had died down, but I still wasn't "well". I just shrugged it off as exhaustion from the anxiety.
On Tuesday, I had an interview for internship at church. It was intense in parts but overall I think it went well so I'm just praying this is what God has planned for me. I went for a drink after with a friend and that's when it clicked about therapy on Monday. I've never been in such an environment where God is so obviously lacking from it- the broken lives and the absolute hopelessness that this is as good as it gets. While yes, I have days of absolute despair where I can't imagine life getting any better I know there is more than this. After disclosing my battle with self harm to a senior pastor from church on Sunday he said to me "the best is yet to come" and that is such awesome truth. The best will never come until Jesus returns but it will come. All suffering will end. We can't know when, but it will end. Even when this life feels so impossible, it's ok because it isn't forever.
As much as this group could potentially drain me to nothing, I will continue to pray for the people in the group; for their situations, that they can see hope and that I can be that beacon in the darkness; that I'm brave enough to say that I live my life from God's strength and not my own, that I can be used for God's purpose in the group and that the others can see Jesus saves. I have seen that Salvation and I pray that they will too.
Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Saviour,
and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Do not remember the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you, Lord, are good.
Psalm 25 v4-7
