Apologies for not blogging for a while. I've been incredibly poorly and my laptop has been very very sulky. I also am sorry for not blogging about the festive season at this time of year- not my thing! As a result of my poorly laptop I'm currently typing this on a tablet which is odd and annoying and also not my thing which leads on to my final apology: sorry if there are any typos. Typing on a tablet is enough of a challenge, let alone checking the behaviour of autocorrect. Tomorrow I'll have a new laptop but today I have time so in my stubborn state I will blog using the tablet and it will be OK.
That was a sneaky way to lead in to this! This post has been drafted in my mind for 3 weeks or so now and I'm just getting time to type it.
I'm stubborn. Always have been. I think it is a side effect of being an only child. I didn't have to compete with anyone for years so I got used to getting my own way. I am right. I know what I'm doing. I'm independent and therefore I will do it myself.
While growing up, to outsiders, I was painfully shy and reserved and couldn't possibly answer any questions sent my way, I always knew exactly what I wanted. I knew what I wanted to do, what I didn't want to do, whether fighting the 'I do not want to do this' thoughts were worth it or not. If I did not want to do something on holiday or in any after school clubs I wouldn't do them. I may not have been able to articulate it but I knew. Years of sobbing and panic attacks was my way of saying no. I've gotten better over the years. I can just say no or admit that I want to do it my way and you are wrong if you want to disagree with me!
Over the last year, attending careers seminars, writing my CV and completing job applications has made me reconsider my stubbornness. How do I write that in a list of personal qualities? How do I make it a good thing? Sometime in spring someone described me as determined and it got me thinking. It's become more of a fixture in my description of myself. When there a cause I believe in, I'm determined to do what I can for it. If my friend is hurting, all my focus goes on doing what I can- I want the best outcome for them. In a job, I'm determined to do my best; half hearted is just not good enough. It might take me a couple more hours but the end result needs to be just right (usually my perception of just right!)
3 weeks ago, I was reminded once again about this part of me. I alluded to being very poorly recently and it's true. You don't need more detail than that. However that is what got me thinking. My GP, as lovely as she is, basically said that we'd tried pretty much everything else possible and the only option is to refer myself back to a service I don't really ever want to go near again. And that's when I realised how much I'd given up on myself. But that isn't where it ends. My stubborn streak kicked in. I am not going back to that service; there are many more torturous options I'd rather endure than be referred back to this one place.
But am I being stubborn because I'm refusing to refer myself somewhere? Because my determination level to get better went off the charts. I can do this. I do not need another waiting list to sit on, one that will pretty much put my life on hold (2 years long just to be assessed, pre-therapy for at least 3 months, means I'd be expecting to stay in Oxford for at least 4 more years without any option to move away etc). Do I want this? No. (Well I want to stay in Oxford but out of choice, not necessity!)
I'm determined to beat these illnesses. I know I can do this because how many other things have I gotten before out of sheer stubbornness and doing it my way?! On the outside I look stubborn and like I'm refusing help but honestly it's sparked so much determination in me. I can get better and I will get better. It won't be with medication (I can't be treated with medication, this is not me being anti-meds!) and it won't be with a referral to a 'we've tried everything else' service. It will be because I am strong enough. OK, I'm not strong enough in myself but that's OK because I've got Jesus and he strengthens me to face anything including the mental illnesses that have been plaguing me over half my life. I'll be going in to 2017 with a renewed sense if determination. I can do this for me, because I need to. It's been too long.
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:11-13
Showing posts with label God is powerful. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God is powerful. Show all posts
Monday, 26 December 2016
Thursday, 7 April 2016
Intern Mission
I have so many things I want to say about our mission trip. I feel like the best way to do this is with one blog talking about what we did and then a couple about what I learnt. Because while we all did the same things, everyone got something different out of it. It wouldn't be fair to add my own things in to an overall mission trip post.
So here it goes.
Lisieux
We left Oxford on a very sunny Tuesday morning. The drive to Folkestone was relatively uneventful. Just some silly comments like "are we in Normandy?" and "this smells pink!" After a slight "we're probably too big to fit under this barrier" drama and a "is that France?" moment we boarded the Eurotunnel.
In standard tourist fashion the first thing we did on arrival in France was go to McDonald's...it seems to be a rule that when you enter a new country you must find an American chain and enter immediately? Ah well, it was our opportunity to catch up with the other car and make sure everyone was ok still. And so began our adventure to Lisieux.
Arriving in Lisieux early evening, we were greeted by our mission partners, Sena and Jane, and then served dinner with some members of the church. The week then becomes a bit of a blur of hard work, tears (mostly on my part!), laughter and pastries/bread. We met the vicar of the church, worked a bit in the church cafe (running children's activities) and attended church services. We spent a day in Caen- seeing important places in Normandy history and then gave out New Testaments with the Gideons at various university campuses- they don't often allow non-Gideons to do this so it was a good experience for all of us (but definitely not a skill of mine!). A couple of us set up a 24/7 prayer space which was just so amazing in so many ways and a joy to watch come together. Two of the interns preached at key services. It was a pleasure to see them minister so powerfully. The girls attended the women's breakfast which was just wonderful. We got up at stupid o'clock on Easter Sunday to go and pray for the city at the basilica- for me this was a massive highlight. Sunrise and prayer and a pretty place? Winning!
Our free time was overflowing with good conversation, good food, sneaky explorations of town, amusing coffee shops, laughter and puppets. The building was constantly filled with joy, that's undeniable.
Paris
Stage 2 of our mission took us to Paris. In case you've never experienced French public transport on a bank holiday, you're missing nothing. We left Lisieux almost an hour late after they insisted we arrived an hour early to the station. Joy. Arriving in Paris later than planned, we were met by Francois (another mission partner!) and his adorable son. We hopped on the Metro and went straight to the church to be fed lunch! Yay food! And then we had the delight of exploring Paris for the afternoon. Some of us spent time doing tourist things, some of us spent more time exploring side streets and chilling in a cafe. We got back together for the evening and, after dinner, spent some time in prayer and worship in La Résurrection. It was such a powerful time praying for the future of the church and Francois and Gosia. God was very definitely there with us.
The morning of our second day in Paris was spent doing some more sightseeing. The afternoon was spent trying not to go absolutely crazy in CDG airport- Tom gave up with real answers and resorted to names of dinosaurs to answer questions instead. But we prayed at the gate and suddenly we were boarding the plane and getting a free snack once in the air.
Madrid
And so stage 3 of mission began at a very late hour when we arrived in Madrid airport.
I'd never heard of Betel until we were told that was where we were headed on mission. I'd done a bit of asking around and found some other people who had been there. Betel is a church planting organisation that just so happens to flourish in addiction communities- hence why it is mostly known for its rehabilitation programmes. I don't think I could ever explain it well enough so check out http://betelinternational.org/ for actual information.
From what I gather the guys spent the week doing a bit of evangelism, manual labour, and some things in the shops and played with puppies on the farm. I'd tell you more but I got distracted with pictures of puppies so didn't actually listen to what they did. I can, however, tell you how the girls spent their week.
After arriving the girls house we were presented with dinner- at around midnight. We were incredibly blessed to have two translators (thank God for Maria and Mara!) for our stay so in our dazed and confused state that first night we at least knew sort of what was going on! The next morning was an experience. Woken by the light being switched on at 7am, expected to be at breakfast by 7.30am. You eat breakfast in under 5 minutes, then have 10 minutes to sort yourself out before devotional. Once devotional is done, you get everything ready and get yourself in the vans ready to go to work. I am a morning person but even this was a whirlwind for me! Each day we were sent to their thrift shops or the kitchen or cleaning or the food bank or furniture collection- each girl is given a different task each day. I spent a couple of days in the kitchen (absolute bliss!), a day cleaning and an afternoon in a thrift shop. We had a bit of tourist time on Sunday afternoon- chaotic but good to see a bit of the city!
We had half a day with the evangelism team too. Going out in to the shanty town of Madrid- the heart of the drug addiction and prostitution community. Someone described it as "the waiting room for Hell" and in some ways, yes it is. To be stood there giving out food and hot chocolate, with people buying, selling and taking drugs all around us, and the government giving out clean needles, was an experience I won't forget. While I've not been particularly sheltered from the realities of this world, it still shocked me. I don't think I could ever put in to words really what happened in our time spent there. The conversations that were translated for us, the observations the pastors made, the things each of us saw or were protected from seeing.
We had several church services while there. Getting to hear intern testimonies and Tom preach (while Maria diligently translated) was just great. And because of Maria and Mara, we got to really invest in the women we were staying with- we could hear their stories and share our own. A couple of us lead devotionals, Jemima lead worship and we all spent our final morning devotional with the women praying for them. I can't speak for the other girls, but I know God spoke powerfully through some of the women to me and He was able to do the same through me to some of them too.
We've built relationships we never thought we would in such a short space of time, had our eyes opened to things just a few short hours away, and most importantly we've seen God work in every situation- even ones other deem hopeless. It was hard to say goodbye to everyone at different points in the trip- even Matthew and Kristians who drove us around Normandy for a couple of days. Every goodbye has been different but each filled with love and peace knowing God is still there with each person. We've been pushed out of comfort zones, experienced language barriers, not had very much introvert time, and eaten more food than we could have imagined (no Betel- we do not need to eat a minimum of 4 times a day!). Most importantly, God has been there every step of the way- through the highs and the lows, the tears and the laughter.
I don't actually think I could ever do this trip justice with my words, but I've tried and that will have to do.
God is good.
So here it goes.
Lisieux
We left Oxford on a very sunny Tuesday morning. The drive to Folkestone was relatively uneventful. Just some silly comments like "are we in Normandy?" and "this smells pink!" After a slight "we're probably too big to fit under this barrier" drama and a "is that France?" moment we boarded the Eurotunnel.
In standard tourist fashion the first thing we did on arrival in France was go to McDonald's...it seems to be a rule that when you enter a new country you must find an American chain and enter immediately? Ah well, it was our opportunity to catch up with the other car and make sure everyone was ok still. And so began our adventure to Lisieux.
Arriving in Lisieux early evening, we were greeted by our mission partners, Sena and Jane, and then served dinner with some members of the church. The week then becomes a bit of a blur of hard work, tears (mostly on my part!), laughter and pastries/bread. We met the vicar of the church, worked a bit in the church cafe (running children's activities) and attended church services. We spent a day in Caen- seeing important places in Normandy history and then gave out New Testaments with the Gideons at various university campuses- they don't often allow non-Gideons to do this so it was a good experience for all of us (but definitely not a skill of mine!). A couple of us set up a 24/7 prayer space which was just so amazing in so many ways and a joy to watch come together. Two of the interns preached at key services. It was a pleasure to see them minister so powerfully. The girls attended the women's breakfast which was just wonderful. We got up at stupid o'clock on Easter Sunday to go and pray for the city at the basilica- for me this was a massive highlight. Sunrise and prayer and a pretty place? Winning!
Our free time was overflowing with good conversation, good food, sneaky explorations of town, amusing coffee shops, laughter and puppets. The building was constantly filled with joy, that's undeniable.
Paris
Stage 2 of our mission took us to Paris. In case you've never experienced French public transport on a bank holiday, you're missing nothing. We left Lisieux almost an hour late after they insisted we arrived an hour early to the station. Joy. Arriving in Paris later than planned, we were met by Francois (another mission partner!) and his adorable son. We hopped on the Metro and went straight to the church to be fed lunch! Yay food! And then we had the delight of exploring Paris for the afternoon. Some of us spent time doing tourist things, some of us spent more time exploring side streets and chilling in a cafe. We got back together for the evening and, after dinner, spent some time in prayer and worship in La Résurrection. It was such a powerful time praying for the future of the church and Francois and Gosia. God was very definitely there with us.
The morning of our second day in Paris was spent doing some more sightseeing. The afternoon was spent trying not to go absolutely crazy in CDG airport- Tom gave up with real answers and resorted to names of dinosaurs to answer questions instead. But we prayed at the gate and suddenly we were boarding the plane and getting a free snack once in the air.
Madrid
And so stage 3 of mission began at a very late hour when we arrived in Madrid airport.
I'd never heard of Betel until we were told that was where we were headed on mission. I'd done a bit of asking around and found some other people who had been there. Betel is a church planting organisation that just so happens to flourish in addiction communities- hence why it is mostly known for its rehabilitation programmes. I don't think I could ever explain it well enough so check out http://betelinternational.org/ for actual information.
From what I gather the guys spent the week doing a bit of evangelism, manual labour, and some things in the shops and played with puppies on the farm. I'd tell you more but I got distracted with pictures of puppies so didn't actually listen to what they did. I can, however, tell you how the girls spent their week.
After arriving the girls house we were presented with dinner- at around midnight. We were incredibly blessed to have two translators (thank God for Maria and Mara!) for our stay so in our dazed and confused state that first night we at least knew sort of what was going on! The next morning was an experience. Woken by the light being switched on at 7am, expected to be at breakfast by 7.30am. You eat breakfast in under 5 minutes, then have 10 minutes to sort yourself out before devotional. Once devotional is done, you get everything ready and get yourself in the vans ready to go to work. I am a morning person but even this was a whirlwind for me! Each day we were sent to their thrift shops or the kitchen or cleaning or the food bank or furniture collection- each girl is given a different task each day. I spent a couple of days in the kitchen (absolute bliss!), a day cleaning and an afternoon in a thrift shop. We had a bit of tourist time on Sunday afternoon- chaotic but good to see a bit of the city!
We had half a day with the evangelism team too. Going out in to the shanty town of Madrid- the heart of the drug addiction and prostitution community. Someone described it as "the waiting room for Hell" and in some ways, yes it is. To be stood there giving out food and hot chocolate, with people buying, selling and taking drugs all around us, and the government giving out clean needles, was an experience I won't forget. While I've not been particularly sheltered from the realities of this world, it still shocked me. I don't think I could ever put in to words really what happened in our time spent there. The conversations that were translated for us, the observations the pastors made, the things each of us saw or were protected from seeing.
We had several church services while there. Getting to hear intern testimonies and Tom preach (while Maria diligently translated) was just great. And because of Maria and Mara, we got to really invest in the women we were staying with- we could hear their stories and share our own. A couple of us lead devotionals, Jemima lead worship and we all spent our final morning devotional with the women praying for them. I can't speak for the other girls, but I know God spoke powerfully through some of the women to me and He was able to do the same through me to some of them too.
We've built relationships we never thought we would in such a short space of time, had our eyes opened to things just a few short hours away, and most importantly we've seen God work in every situation- even ones other deem hopeless. It was hard to say goodbye to everyone at different points in the trip- even Matthew and Kristians who drove us around Normandy for a couple of days. Every goodbye has been different but each filled with love and peace knowing God is still there with each person. We've been pushed out of comfort zones, experienced language barriers, not had very much introvert time, and eaten more food than we could have imagined (no Betel- we do not need to eat a minimum of 4 times a day!). Most importantly, God has been there every step of the way- through the highs and the lows, the tears and the laughter.
I don't actually think I could ever do this trip justice with my words, but I've tried and that will have to do.
God is good.
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