This week is Mental Health Awareness Week and I felt like I needed to blog on this topic. It's a challenge as I'm just coming out of two very dark weeks in which relapse seems guaranteed. Thankfully that isn't the case and I'm fighting on. This is the first time in so long that I have managed to maintain the determination to want to get better even when I had no energy to fight the thoughts.
I figured it would be good to document what depression really feels like for me on a day when I have to do something. If nothing else, it'll remind me when I'm doing ok, just what was going through my head before and how much better it is now.
Alarm goes off. Wake up. The world is a haze. Imagine you went out drinking last night. You have no recollection of the evening and your head feels thick. You might have a headache. Sitting up will feel impossible so you lie there. You drift back off to sleep. Another alarm goes off. You prepared because falling asleep again is so common. The haze is a little less this time. Maybe, just maybe, you can roll over. You lie there. What are you going to wear today? It won't be what you optimistically laid out last night. You'll hate yourself in that. And the other outfits you think of. You choose the lesser of the evils. A final alarm goes off. The one that tells you you have absolutely no more time to lie in bed. You fall out of bed and head towards the clothes you've decided on. If you're lucky, you'll find the socks and pants you have for seriously bad days. It'll make the rest of getting dressed easier. You'll probably put something on backwards/inside out. You'll realise around lunch time. As soon as the last item of clothing is on, you'll run down the stairs and out the door. It won't be until you'll driving you realise you forgot to pee, brush your teeth, put on deodorant and brush your hair, let alone eat breakfast. You have gum and a hairbrush in the car so you can half solve two of those issues.
Depending on where you're going depends on the next bit. You get to your destination and power walk from the car, because you cannot deal with being evena second late. If it's people you trust, you'll tell them honestly today is a bad day and try and keep your head down. If it's therapy, you'll lie or skirt around the truth. You make polite conversation that you won't remember in 20 minutes. If it's people that know you well, you may permit them to hug you. You'll only cry if they ask you a question. Finally you'll remember you need to pee. You'll body check in all the mirrors, before and after, just in case your body has changed. At lunch time you'll wander round the supermarkets- you need to find lunch. You're taking forever because decisions are hard. You'll settle on a bag of popcorn and a pastry. You're desperate to have a bottle of juice- especially orange. You'll ignore the fact you're allergic to it, just so you have an excuse to feel bad later. Grab a coffee. Give in to the cakes on the counter. Somehow almost 2 hours pass. You have no idea what happened in that time. Maybe you'll remember after your last sip you forgot to take your meds this morning- the app only reminds you for so many hours.
When all activities for the day are done, you go home. PJs are the first thing. Once you get up the stairs. You can lay on the stairs for up to an hour. Lying there feels safe and you're grounded. Moving makes your brain fog increase. Eventually PJs will be put on- if it's a mega bad day, then you get to wear clean PJs. You might go back downstairs and pretend to watch TV. IT's safest to watch a DVD as you can rewatch when you're feeling better. Eventually you'll think maybe dinner is an idea. You can reach the freezer and the oven from the sofa. If that's too hard, you'll eat toast off of kitchen roll. The thought of washing up hurts your brain. You may have to text a worried friend. If they're really worried, they'll suggest you stay at theirs or they invade your house for the evening. You'll secretly be thankful but it's just too much energy.
Eventually you'll go to bed. Brushing your teeth won't happen. You put on some music in the hope you can get lost in it. Sometimes you'll fall asleep fast. Sometimes it can take hours. If it's a good night, you'll fall asleep and won't dream. On other nights you'll have vivid bad dreams that leave you disorientated the next morning.
The entire day your brain will berate you. Your negative thoughts will overpower every useful idea. You'll be too tired to fight the negativity. All day there will be a battle raging, which will lead to more berating of yourself because you're having stupid thoughts.
But you get up and do it all again the next day. Because that is what everyone expects of you.
