Peace

I find peace such an interesting concept. We pray for peace for ourselves, for others, for nations, for the whole world; in situations, in circumstances, in general. We offer each other a sign of the peace on a Sunday. We dream of the day we will see peace. People campaign for peace. It's unavoidable. Is it an internal or external thing though? Do people actually understand what peace is or what it is to be peaceful? I certainly don't think I do. 

The dictionary defines peace as "freedom from disturbance". I like that. Disturbance is generalised. Sometimes I hate when things aren't specific. This is not one of those times. There are some (rare!) days when I feel like my life is sorted and going in the right direction. I could say I feel at peace on those days; but I think I much more often say "I feel stable and where I should be right now".

This evening I was told by a friend that I just seem so peaceful at the moment, that I give off this unreal sense of peace to everyone else. This isn't the first time I've been told this but is the first time for a long time and interestingly I'm told it the most when my brain is in complete turmoil. More than anything I really wish I could feel this. Currently I have 50 billion thoughts (actually an even-ish mix of positive and negative) floating around my head. One of them is "x thinks I seem really peaceful" but most of them are restless "must be doing something else" or "I'm failing at this, that and the other". It's exhausting. And yet somewhere, deep down there must be peace, because somehow it is overflowing from me and out over others. Back in the summer I was given a picture of being full of deep wells of peace, I guess they've started to overflow again.

I have to admit though, today I got angry. Someone suggested it was a blessing that I'm radiating peace to others despite how I'm feeling, but I want that peace for me! I want to feel calm, but my head says no. I want to just know that unbelievable peace that God is giving others through me. I know I'm being selfish but I'm exhausted and I just don't feel like I can give out any more. I let people in today. I started to break down that barrier that's keeping people away from the craziness of my mind and let them in. It's hard, and I'm scared once again that the "I'm crazy, avoid me at all costs" banner is flashing brightly but it's not fair to keep them out. Maybe I've put the barrier around myself too which is keeping the peace away. Who knows? Only time will tell. I need to share some of the peace, even when I'm not feeling it myself. 

I was going to finish with Philippians 4:7, but something in the back of my mind was telling me there was a different verse I needed. One that tells me I have to do something in order to feel God's peace. I have to let it in. My prayer for tonight is that my heart is soft and ready to let the peace in. 

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 
Colossians 3:15

One Week...

The first week of 2016 is complete. I survived. If my word for the year wasn't brave I'm not entirely convinced I'd still be standing right now. Every evening has involved repeating "I need to be brave enough just for tonight. We'll deal with tomorrow when it comes" So how have the resolutions been going?

First up the resolutions. Well I sit here at 20.30 with my phone on beside me. Turning it off at 6pm? Well it's happened some nights but also my mental health is a bit fragile at the moment. I need that external support that being able to contact my friends at different hours bring me right now. That doesn't mean I'm not still aiming for no phone after 6pm; circumstances right now require it to be different and actually I need to be kind to myself, not force myself to do this alone. I am, however, already more aware at how much more I need to invest myself in being present for others. Same with Facebook. I waste a lot less time on social media already and actually I'm more efficient to the point I'm left wondering "how did this ever take me so long?"!

I've managed my two walks this week, I've kept up daily quiet time and I'm being brave. Which brings me on to how my one word has been going. It hasn't been easy. Every single day I've had some sort of struggle; I'm so up and down at the moment but every night I'm making a conscious decision to be brave; to not give in to my head and see what happens tomorrow. I've had my first proper counselling session in several years, I've come back for the second term of internship (not an easy decision) and I've managed to start the term forgiving someone I wasn't sure I could. This week I've had to decide that I need to not look for jobs yet- it's not the time and it's stressing me out endlessly. The time will come and until then I have to keep giving it back to God.

I've had so many compliments and encouragements this week about things I've done and it feels good. The bad times are bad, but there's always something positive floating around that makes it easier. The days ahead scare me so bad, but I can smile. I am brave enough and I will win this battle. One day at a time.

She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come
Proverbs 31:25