Creativity

If we haven't had this discussion before, let's start with this well-known fact about me: I am not artistic. I even can't draw a stick man without it going wrong. I don't do art. With that in mind, let's continue.

We were sent on an Art Retreat on Monday. As you can imagine I was not looking forward to this, The anxiety about the whole thing was eased slightly by the fact I knew the woman running the day and she is a wonderful person so if it all felt too much I knew she was a safe person. So at 8.30am we left our house and wandered towards where the retreat was going to be. I knew where I was going so was less worried, except for the fact it was right by my old uni building; the building in which I experienced some of the worst moments of my mental health. Oh joy. Also the building in which we had an art therapy group session as part of our "therapeutic intervention" module; that ended in an absolute meltdown for me. And so we got to the place of our retreat- in the shadow of all these horrific triggering memories for me. Definitely was not meant to be a good day for me.

Anyway, we got there. And we started by describing pictures and spending time alone with God asking him what He wanted to say to us that morning. Then we started to draw random lines with our non-dominant hands. This sounds ridiculous, right? Well actually it changes the part of your brain that you use to create and you see things differently and have different ideas. It's pretty cool, and useful for when you have a complete mind blank! Cue pages of us scribbling.

After a quick cup of coffee we got to play with paint! YAY! I may not be any good with paint but I do love a good bit of mess! With no brushes in sight, just our hands and some old credit cards and a couple of little wooden sticks, some people donned gloves. Not me though, I love getting stuck in- is it any wonder I work with children? I just hope when I have my own children I don't suddenly become averse to mess and am still able to let them get covered in paint! Anyway, I picked up a credit card, dipped it in yellow paint and went from there.  Having had such a bad start to my day, my main thought was "sunshine makes me happy, cling on to the sunshine, it'll get better, just remember the sunshine".

Somehow, this was the result! We critiqued each others' work once we'd finished. Given my superficial thought process, I was amazed anyone chose to say anything about this let alone that it would be anything deep. To my surprise the person said that the sun was like Jesus right in the middle of the page, because He is the light and that the darker bits around were smaller than the light. While I considered this briefly, my thought process about it remains "I like sunshine, It makes me happy" However I cannot tell people what to get from my work, it can be what they need. 

My next bit of art will not feature because the thought process behind that was even more pathetic: "I like pink and I like turquoise. YAY!". 

Finally, as a whole group,our task for the afternoon was to create one picture that we all contributed a bit too. Ten canvases, one picture. Somehow we created this masterpiece...

Yup, and you wouldn't even know which square Little Miss "I have zero artistic ability" did ;) However if you're really curious, it's the top middle one! Not a bad effort, eh?! A friend doing a PhD in Art told me she liked the brush strokes- we didn't have any brushes all day so this made me giggle a lot! 

So it turns out I have a bit of an artistic ability after all. In actual fact, if you were to ask me the wrong question, I would tell you I'm not even creative. That's a lie. I love craft. I love making things. The amount of crochet I have done this past week is crazy. But my lack of belief in my ability goes way back to my thoughts of needing to be good enough- I don't often have a grey area in life so if I'm not perfect at art, I have no skill whatsoever. 

Just because I'm not particularly good at art doesn't mean I am not creative in other ways. I can write (I think!), I can crochet, I can make things on a pottery wheel. We're taught from such a young age that if you can't do things like painting and drawing then you have no artistic skill but at 25, I'm learning that actually that isn't the be all and end all of creativity.

We have no idea if God can paint, however He is creative. Every single on of us has been created by Him and we are all unique. We are all one of God's masterpieces. That's pretty exciting! I was considering this on my walk earlier. God chose every single one of us to have our exact characteristics; our appearance, skills, strengths and weaknesses. None of us have these things by mistake. And that's something I really needed to work out for myself. I may not have been gifted with decent artistic ability but I have other skills; I can listen well, I can talk about my experiences using words, I can appreciate pretty things, I love working with children, I can crochet, I'm willing to try things. There's a whole host of things I'm sure I haven't worked out yet either. Just because the majority of my art work looks like it was done by a child, doesn't mean I'm a reject in God's eyes. He gave me different skills to make me unique and that's ok. He chose to make me just as I am. I need to remember that.

But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8

Be still.

There's a lot going on currently in my life. In some ways January flew past; so much happening, so many things to do, very little time to do it. On the other hand, it has felt like the longest month and I've been so desperate for February to arrive.

In all this I've had some time to reflect on what God was teaching me this time last year and what I need to remember for this year. Last January I had a breakdown. I ended up signed off sick for 2 months, in which time I was bullied in to resigning from my job. It was a horrific period of my life. And yet I learnt so much; about myself, about life and about God.

2016 started well; I was constantly busy, seeing so many friends and reconnecting with old friends, working extra hours, staying up later socialising with my housemates. Life is not sustainable  for mewhen I insist on doing everything and constantly say yes and so 2 weeks ago this "really positive start to 2016" backfired and in some capacity, mentally, I am in the same state I was 12 months ago. But this time I'm reminded of the major lesson I learnt last year. 

To slow down, take time and enjoy the moment.

A housemate recently commented that as a house we have slowed down. She said it like it wasn't the best thing. For me, it's one of the best things. We linger longer over dinner, don't need to be talking constantly, can just sit with each other without needing to be doing the same thing. It's comfortable and it leaves me feeling content. 

Several of my housemates are thinking about what to do once the internship ends. For me, this term is not about what is coming next. Last term was about settling in to a new routine, next term is about the future. This term is about simply enjoying things. I don't need to be worrying about what's next; where I'll live, what I'll be doing, who will still be in my life. God's got that sorted and I'm sure he'll prompt me when the time is right to start looking at those things. He did with the internship and He will again- when I trust Him (something I'm not doing too well at lately). 

When I got happy and busy I forgot about enjoying the little things. I haven't been sleeping well, but that means I've been waking up early and getting to see the sunrise: my favourite time of day. I've used my car a lot recently which means time to walk outside and through parks. I have a standing coffee date with my closest friend which means time to just people watch in the coffee shop while I wait for her. I need to take these moments. I need to grab on to them and appreciate them. I need to embrace the little moments of stillness and stop trying to fill them with more things. 

I'm surrounded by people who rush and feel like time is running away. That's not me. I learnt the hard way that I need to take time to rest, be still, be present in this moment and this moment alone. I don't want that reminder forced on me again. In teaching this week, the guy was saying "look at the birds" and "look at the flowers" are not mere suggestions in the Bible, they're instructions. This hit home. I've been ignoring the world around me. I've not been looking at the birds or the flowers, I've been looking at the floor. There's a statistic somewhere saying that you're more likely to experience mental health problems the further you live from green space. But for me, I live near green space but don't acknowledge it.

And in all of this I have neglected God. Things got too busy, everything was going really well and I stopped making real time for Him. My head was no longer full of praise, nor was it thinking of any requests. I may have been spot on in having quiet time every single day, but I wasn't making space for God in it. It's been all about getting it done to keep the routine in place and then going back to life. This isn't unusual for people who work in the church- God becomes work and business-like. He isn't 'living', more just a name on a page and a thing to pray to occasionally. I guess I'm writing this to show I'm human and to acknowledge my weakness. Something clicked in my head today and I don't want it to be like that. I want to acknowledge God in the small and the big. In the day to day and the unexpected. I need to get back to God. He has been so faithful in everything, so why do I run when I need Him most?

So, this is me saying I am here. I am in this moment. I am not in tomorrow, I am not in a week's time, or a month's time or a year's time. I am here now. And this is where I will be; in this moment, looking at everything around me; everything God has put in my life for a reason. I need to be still long enough to let Him speak. 

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still
Exodus 14:14