Yesterday afternoon I had an email telling me that I am not able to go back to camp this summer. I am not 6 months medication-free and they do not have enough returner visas that it is unlikely that I will get one therefore they have terminated my application. These reasons are frustrating- they would have known both these things 3 weeks ago and yet made me collect a ton of evidence to say I'm well enough and dragged it out this long to still tell me that I can't go because of things they knew about when I submitted my application.
Mere months ago I would have cried as I read the email and for hours after, hit my self destruct button and done everything in my power to punish myself/prove I obviously am not well enough. I wouldn't shower for days because I don't deserve the self care. I probably would have stopped taking my medication because it "wasn't working" and would land myself back seeing my GP begging for a CMHT referral.
Yesterday I held it together in the Parish Centre when I read the email. Went and sat in a coffee shop, my friend arrived and I cried for all of 5 minutes. Then I went and had dinner with friends, told them I couldn't get a visa in time without crying, and genuinely enjoyed time with amazing people. I cried a bit at the church prayer meeting. Then I came home and slept like a baby.
Today I have moped and binge watched Gilmore Girls. I have eaten normally, left the house to get a coffee, and had a perfectly rational conversation with my mother on the phone. I have also finally got back in to my Bible study. I'm planning to wash my hair tonight.
Tomorrow I will spend my day tidying, sorting laundry and then going for cocktails with friends in the evening. I have to be sensible and not drink too much because I'm pretty sure it'll make me feel awful on Saturday but I'm prepared for that.
And next week will continue as normal. Because this wasn't part of God's plan for me. There are better things in store for the summer- concerts with friends, weekends away, random job opportunities, volunteering, happiness.
Many are the plans in a person's heart,
but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 21:19
Thursday 30 April 2015
Sunday 26 April 2015
Moving forward
About a year ago I went to the late service at my church. I was a mess. I sat shaking the entire service, knowing that I was only there because I wasn't safe to go home. At one point, a woman said she had had a picture of someone being sat in a cell. The door was wide open but they didn't leave. They continued to sit there. It struck me that night, that that image was for me. I was sat in that cell. I knew that the door was open. I knew I could recover and yet there I was sat waiting for someone to pull me out of that cell. That was the first night I'd told anyone at church that I was suicidal and let them pray for me. I wanted everything to stop.
Last June I was baptised and someone prayed for me after and said the shackle had been opened but I had to take the step. I've prayed in to that image many times but still, the foot stayed.
I don't even know what I was praying about tonight in church but suddenly an image appeared in my head. There was an open shackle and several feet away was myself, walking away from that shackle. Tonight I finally knew freedom. I know that it doesn't mean the troubles are over. I know that I could easily turn around and run back to what I know to be safe. But right now I'm moving forward. I'm praying that I leave that awful chain behind. Recovery is happening. I am stronger and more determined and I will keep going. With God's strength, I can win.
He brought them out of the darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains.
Psalm 107:14
Last June I was baptised and someone prayed for me after and said the shackle had been opened but I had to take the step. I've prayed in to that image many times but still, the foot stayed.
I don't even know what I was praying about tonight in church but suddenly an image appeared in my head. There was an open shackle and several feet away was myself, walking away from that shackle. Tonight I finally knew freedom. I know that it doesn't mean the troubles are over. I know that I could easily turn around and run back to what I know to be safe. But right now I'm moving forward. I'm praying that I leave that awful chain behind. Recovery is happening. I am stronger and more determined and I will keep going. With God's strength, I can win.
He brought them out of the darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains.
Psalm 107:14
Friday 10 April 2015
Lent Experiments
The season of Lent has always been about fasting- I spent most of my childhood giving up chocolate or meat and being all "I do it because Jesus fasted for 40 days in the desert".
This year Lent took on a different meaning for me. Yes, I gave up buying coffee from chain coffee shops (yes I survived Lent with no Starbucks!) but this year I had different reasons. I want to be more conscious of where my money goes. Not necessarily in the sense of how much I'm spending (although I do need to reign that in) but actually why am I spending money in places that evade taxes and ignoring the local businesses that are much more ethically minded?
I won't lie- I have never cared previously about where things have come from and whether workers are treated fairly. I don't buy only fair trade, I buy things regardless of whether it is local produce or not, I still fly places. But I want that to change. I want to be more aware of what I'm supporting, good and bad, and try to minimise the unethical behaviours I am funding. While I may not be passionate about it, I know I need to change and I want to. I am a privileged white girl living in a first world country but that doesn't mean I should flaunt my background- everyone deserves a chance at a good quality of life and if I can do a little bit to make a difference I will. God gave us this earth to look after and I need to do my bit.
I was part of a community carrying out experiments of discipleship over the Lent period this year. We chose three goals, relating to different parts of our lives in which to change things. We didn't necessarily do the same things, nor did we all give up things.
I took up turning my phone off when I was around friends. I need to be more present in life and not live through technology. This was largely successful however I realised just who I feel safe around and who the anxiety is too great around and in those situations I at least wasn't holding on to my phone the entire time, but it was switched on *just in case*. It's hard, but I'm getting there. I would like to develop this in to only accessing the internet for 3 hours a day. It will take some work, but I will get there.
I also tried to regulate my sleep cycle so I get up in the mornings and follow the structure of my day. This hasn't really worked in any way. Taking meds, not taking meds, lying in bed endlessly for hours, making sure I exercise in the day; nothing has enabled me to sleep at a similar time every night. I need to work on this as I cannot continue with such an obscure sleeping pattern. I also really want to get up early enough to read my Bible every morning. I will get there. It just takes a bit longer than Lent!
I must say though, having a group of us holding each other accountable has really helped! I always had in my mind that accountability groups were for people who had really bad issues and needed help turning away from them but actually they work for the day to day things too!
I'm going to set goals more frequently, and make sure I have other people supporting me when doing so. I will change things and I will get back in to a positive mind frame because other things fall in to place.
I'm so thankful for opportunities like this that remind me that no-one has the perfect life and we can all strive to make changes and it is ok to fail or not get there as quickly as expected. It's ok. It's trying that is important.
This year Lent took on a different meaning for me. Yes, I gave up buying coffee from chain coffee shops (yes I survived Lent with no Starbucks!) but this year I had different reasons. I want to be more conscious of where my money goes. Not necessarily in the sense of how much I'm spending (although I do need to reign that in) but actually why am I spending money in places that evade taxes and ignoring the local businesses that are much more ethically minded?
I won't lie- I have never cared previously about where things have come from and whether workers are treated fairly. I don't buy only fair trade, I buy things regardless of whether it is local produce or not, I still fly places. But I want that to change. I want to be more aware of what I'm supporting, good and bad, and try to minimise the unethical behaviours I am funding. While I may not be passionate about it, I know I need to change and I want to. I am a privileged white girl living in a first world country but that doesn't mean I should flaunt my background- everyone deserves a chance at a good quality of life and if I can do a little bit to make a difference I will. God gave us this earth to look after and I need to do my bit.
I was part of a community carrying out experiments of discipleship over the Lent period this year. We chose three goals, relating to different parts of our lives in which to change things. We didn't necessarily do the same things, nor did we all give up things.
I took up turning my phone off when I was around friends. I need to be more present in life and not live through technology. This was largely successful however I realised just who I feel safe around and who the anxiety is too great around and in those situations I at least wasn't holding on to my phone the entire time, but it was switched on *just in case*. It's hard, but I'm getting there. I would like to develop this in to only accessing the internet for 3 hours a day. It will take some work, but I will get there.
I also tried to regulate my sleep cycle so I get up in the mornings and follow the structure of my day. This hasn't really worked in any way. Taking meds, not taking meds, lying in bed endlessly for hours, making sure I exercise in the day; nothing has enabled me to sleep at a similar time every night. I need to work on this as I cannot continue with such an obscure sleeping pattern. I also really want to get up early enough to read my Bible every morning. I will get there. It just takes a bit longer than Lent!
I must say though, having a group of us holding each other accountable has really helped! I always had in my mind that accountability groups were for people who had really bad issues and needed help turning away from them but actually they work for the day to day things too!
I'm going to set goals more frequently, and make sure I have other people supporting me when doing so. I will change things and I will get back in to a positive mind frame because other things fall in to place.
I'm so thankful for opportunities like this that remind me that no-one has the perfect life and we can all strive to make changes and it is ok to fail or not get there as quickly as expected. It's ok. It's trying that is important.
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