Apologies for not blogging for a while. I've been incredibly poorly and my laptop has been very very sulky. I also am sorry for not blogging about the festive season at this time of year- not my thing! As a result of my poorly laptop I'm currently typing this on a tablet which is odd and annoying and also not my thing which leads on to my final apology: sorry if there are any typos. Typing on a tablet is enough of a challenge, let alone checking the behaviour of autocorrect. Tomorrow I'll have a new laptop but today I have time so in my stubborn state I will blog using the tablet and it will be OK.
That was a sneaky way to lead in to this! This post has been drafted in my mind for 3 weeks or so now and I'm just getting time to type it.
I'm stubborn. Always have been. I think it is a side effect of being an only child. I didn't have to compete with anyone for years so I got used to getting my own way. I am right. I know what I'm doing. I'm independent and therefore I will do it myself.
While growing up, to outsiders, I was painfully shy and reserved and couldn't possibly answer any questions sent my way, I always knew exactly what I wanted. I knew what I wanted to do, what I didn't want to do, whether fighting the 'I do not want to do this' thoughts were worth it or not. If I did not want to do something on holiday or in any after school clubs I wouldn't do them. I may not have been able to articulate it but I knew. Years of sobbing and panic attacks was my way of saying no. I've gotten better over the years. I can just say no or admit that I want to do it my way and you are wrong if you want to disagree with me!
Over the last year, attending careers seminars, writing my CV and completing job applications has made me reconsider my stubbornness. How do I write that in a list of personal qualities? How do I make it a good thing? Sometime in spring someone described me as determined and it got me thinking. It's become more of a fixture in my description of myself. When there a cause I believe in, I'm determined to do what I can for it. If my friend is hurting, all my focus goes on doing what I can- I want the best outcome for them. In a job, I'm determined to do my best; half hearted is just not good enough. It might take me a couple more hours but the end result needs to be just right (usually my perception of just right!)
3 weeks ago, I was reminded once again about this part of me. I alluded to being very poorly recently and it's true. You don't need more detail than that. However that is what got me thinking. My GP, as lovely as she is, basically said that we'd tried pretty much everything else possible and the only option is to refer myself back to a service I don't really ever want to go near again. And that's when I realised how much I'd given up on myself. But that isn't where it ends. My stubborn streak kicked in. I am not going back to that service; there are many more torturous options I'd rather endure than be referred back to this one place.
But am I being stubborn because I'm refusing to refer myself somewhere? Because my determination level to get better went off the charts. I can do this. I do not need another waiting list to sit on, one that will pretty much put my life on hold (2 years long just to be assessed, pre-therapy for at least 3 months, means I'd be expecting to stay in Oxford for at least 4 more years without any option to move away etc). Do I want this? No. (Well I want to stay in Oxford but out of choice, not necessity!)
I'm determined to beat these illnesses. I know I can do this because how many other things have I gotten before out of sheer stubbornness and doing it my way?! On the outside I look stubborn and like I'm refusing help but honestly it's sparked so much determination in me. I can get better and I will get better. It won't be with medication (I can't be treated with medication, this is not me being anti-meds!) and it won't be with a referral to a 'we've tried everything else' service. It will be because I am strong enough. OK, I'm not strong enough in myself but that's OK because I've got Jesus and he strengthens me to face anything including the mental illnesses that have been plaguing me over half my life. I'll be going in to 2017 with a renewed sense if determination. I can do this for me, because I need to. It's been too long.
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:11-13
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