No. You cannot write this job application.
No. You cannot make this food.
No. You cannot wear this outfit.
No. You cannot go to that event.
It's taken me a while to work out why suddenly my head is telling me no to everything. Someone recently told me "you're better than X" (if I specified what X actually is (not a person) it would take all but 3 seconds to work out who said it and what about). In some cases, this would be encouraging, reminding me I am worth much more. Alas, in this case it minimised something that I had put my heart and soul in to for nearly a year and suddenly I began to question my value. Was this thing, that I worked so hard at just X and nothing more?
Rationally I know the answer is no. I can list my achievements and know full well it was much more. But that bit of my brain that says that I'm no good, will never amount to anything and certainly need to stop thinking I've ever been good at anything to start with.
With changes in life, with time to stop and appreciate the now, to invest in neglected relationships, I forgot to be on my guard about what is really going on in my head. In the midst of the joy of spending time with housemates and friends, I've had several rejections from jobs I've applied to. On their own that isn't anything significant, but at night or when I'm on my own, the thoughts are returning full-force. I'm not good enough. I exist to make other people happy but I deserve nothing.
Recently I've told several people parts of my story I'd long buried or believed insignificant but those thoughts are deafening in times of unemployment "you'd be better off on benefits" and "you'll never really function in society". Things said without second thought over 4 years ago now and yet they still haunt me. 4 years ago I was told to give up on my dream of nursing. While I don't want to return to nursing, my head doesn't care. My brain relishes reminding me of my failure. You'll never be valuable. Stop trying. Give up on every dream, mental illness has already taken it.
And so here I am. Trying my hardest to find some new job. I know my work does not define me, but in the quiet of unemployment my head has free reign and I need something to prove it wrong again. I'm clinging on with my fingertips. Appreciating every little thing that comes my way for now but longing for something more permanent. To prove I can and I will. Depression may destroy bits of each day, but I will not let it destroy my life again. In the meantime, any kind words sent my way would be appreciated.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
-Ephesians 4:29
