So I mentioned a couple of days ago that I'd been challenged to come up with one word for 2016 that will become the theme of my year. There were a couple of words that floated around and felt kind of right, but there was one definite, completely right, no arguments about it, word for 2016.
The first word that originally came to mind was "restore". Joel 2:25 says
"I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten..." I'd be lying if I said I have gotten exactly what I dreamed of when I was a child over the last 15 years of my life. I never imagined any of the things I've been through. Heck, I wanted to be married by age 23 and I was going to be a nurse, like a really successful one or a genetics counsellor. I was going to live abroad. That obviously hasn't happened. I lost so many years to the locusts in my life (mainly mental illness, but there's a couple of other things in there too) and I believe in this Scripture. God will restore those years and it feels like this coming year things will start to shift in to place; but it isn't the main focus. So that was that. "Restore" is not the word.
There were a couple of others "trust", "healing", "bold" but as "restore" they didn't quite fit exactly right.
The word that stuck, time and again, that has been floating around in the past couple of months but I haven't grasped for myself yet is "brave". In our first week we had to think of a word to describe ourselves that began with the same letter as our name. Brave kept coming back. I wrote about it a little here. I look back on my life and so many people tell me I'm brave, I've fought so much and I'm still fighting, still standing and yet it isn't a word I would use to ever describe myself. I don't put myself out there, I prefer to hide in a corner and sulk than speak up for what I believe in for fear of it coming across wrong. 2016 feels like the year I need to claim that for myself. I am brave. I can type it, but can I truly say it out loud and believe it? And then the following on from that- can I be brave for God? Can I step out of my comfort zone, and do a new thing? Do something I am passionate about, that might seem a little out there to some. I have no idea what that might be but unless I am brave, take chances, embrace opportunities how will I find out? Now that this past year I have spent learning that I am safe in God, I needn't be afraid to take risks.
Shamefully I've never read the Chronicles of Narnia, despite owning them for many, many years. And today, as I was reading Prince Caspian, this interaction between Aslan and Susan hit me (So much so I underlined it! I never underline in books).
"You have listened to your fears, child," said Aslan. "Come, let me breathe on you. Are you brave again?" And it resonated. Am I brave again? Right now, I don't feel it. I'm letting the hate of New Year win, but at the end of the year, will I be able to answer this question differently? I long to be able to hand my worries and fears over to God and that be it; not cling to a teeny bit that holds me back. I can only do that by being brave. I trust Him. I know he is safe. So this year I will not only aim to be brave for God but be brave in my relationship with God. It is only to let things go. At least once a week someone retweets "let go and let God". That's part of my being brave. He will be with
And then in standard New Year fashion...I alluded the other day to the fact I have succumbed to the necessary resolutions for the new year. For me they aren't about self improvement, they're about embracing the life God has given me- spending more time with friends, rediscovering who I really am, and most importantly getting closer to God.
*I'm only going to use Facebook on the work computer (this may sound ridiculous but I need to use FB for my job. If I didn't, I'd delete it completely and be done with it. I don't need to spend hours scrolling staring at baby photos and engagement announcements which leave me longing for a "better life" when I have so many people around me that I need to invest in)
*I will aim to not use my phone between the hours of 6pm and 7am (Once again I must invest in other people)
*I am going to read 12 new books (they can be any genre, and I can read them all over the summer if that's how it works out. I love reading, and I read many more than 12 books in a year, but they're all comfortable old favourites. I need to break that habit)
*I will go for at least 2x30 minute walks each week (it will give me time alone with God, time to calm my thoughts, and give me a little bit of physical exercise. It can also be taken in 4x15 minute walks)
*I will continue to make sure I leave the town in which I'm living at least once every 6 weeks (Ideally I'd leave the county but time/money hasn't allowed for that. I just need time away to help me appreciate what I have)
*I will continue to designate one day a week in which I'm allowed to say no to people's plans and do what I want (It preserves my sanity more than people realise)
*I will continue to have daily quiet time (even on the worst days if I write nothing more than the verses I have read, I will not break this habit)
*I will be brave and take risks (God is right there with me. I need to step out in faith or I'll get nowhere)
But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43: 1-2
Thursday 31 December 2015
Wednesday 30 December 2015
New Year, New Me.
We all know how it works. The time changes from 23:59 to 00:00. The year increases one number. And somehow a switch is flicked and suddenly we are a brand new version of ourselves. Everything resets and we have a brand new chance to be the very best person we can be. Whatever happened the previous year is behind us and forgotten. No-one ever references our mistakes and failures ever again.
Oh, that isn't how it works? Darn it. There was me thinking I've been doing something wrong every single year.
We set ourselves goals; resolve to change ourselves in some way. We strive for the latest idea of perfection which no doubt, as the year goes on, will change. Currently it's all about being skinny without being too skinny and eating only plant based food or is it being an ethical vegan?! Correct me if I'm wrong, I'm not really down with the latest cool things, and you definitely can't ever beat a three cheese toastie on thick white bread. MMMM melted cheese.
Anyway...
Somehow the increase of a single digit on the year means we must improve ourselves exponentially. It's like starting that diet "on Monday" or joining the gym at the start of the month but on a massive scale. A new year means we must try and change everything all at once, and to me that just seems to be a recipe for disaster. And yet still I give in to the pressure every year and make these resolutions, that by February I've lost momentum with and by December can't for the life of me remember what they were!
My 2015 started in a suitably miserable way. Home alone and watching New Year's Eve. There was probably some tears and a bit of self harm chucked in there too. My likely resolution was "don't see the end of 2015". But look, on the 30th December 2015, here I am. Alive and kicking. It would be an understatement to say that a lot changes in 12 months. A lot changes every 12 months between my birthdays too, but I don't sit there the night before my birthday making a list of things I want to change by the time I get to my next birthday. I could pick any random day and say by this time next year I want this to be different, but I don't. So why do we do it for a new year?
I see a lot of things on social media these days about people who struggle with the concept of a new year and all the improvements they must make. It really is simply another day. It's taken me YEARS to learn that. I find this time of year difficult. It's when the "you don't belong in next year" thoughts shout loudest. But if that were the case, why once I made it to 2013, to 2014, to 2015 was I allowed to live in the months following January but not that first month? It makes no sense. The month rolls over, the date changes, but this happens every 28-31 days. This December 31st-1st January I am trying to make a conscious effort to not do anything "special" Yes I will hang out with friends, but I will come home when I'm tired. Yes, I will set myself a list of goals for the year but I'm not committed to them. I'd love to join a gym and lose xkg by March and give up x, y and z but what's the point?
God made me as I am, and the only improvements I should be making should be ones drawing me closer to Christ. I don't need to change my body, I don't need to "think more happy thoughts" and no matter how many professionals tell me exercise will help my mood I know for a fact it doesn't and it achieves nothing but actually exacerbating my depression (fun fact about me right there ;)) so why do I need to force myself to go to the gym at least 3 times a week? Friday is just the start of another month. Instead of trying to change myself, I'm going to work harder on making sure I am truly thankful for all that I already have. I'm going to let God use me for good things. I'm going to be brave (there'll be a post about that on Friday!). I cannot change myself, by myself. I can do it only with God.
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
Ephesians 4:22-24
Oh, that isn't how it works? Darn it. There was me thinking I've been doing something wrong every single year.
We set ourselves goals; resolve to change ourselves in some way. We strive for the latest idea of perfection which no doubt, as the year goes on, will change. Currently it's all about being skinny without being too skinny and eating only plant based food or is it being an ethical vegan?! Correct me if I'm wrong, I'm not really down with the latest cool things, and you definitely can't ever beat a three cheese toastie on thick white bread. MMMM melted cheese.
Anyway...
Somehow the increase of a single digit on the year means we must improve ourselves exponentially. It's like starting that diet "on Monday" or joining the gym at the start of the month but on a massive scale. A new year means we must try and change everything all at once, and to me that just seems to be a recipe for disaster. And yet still I give in to the pressure every year and make these resolutions, that by February I've lost momentum with and by December can't for the life of me remember what they were!
My 2015 started in a suitably miserable way. Home alone and watching New Year's Eve. There was probably some tears and a bit of self harm chucked in there too. My likely resolution was "don't see the end of 2015". But look, on the 30th December 2015, here I am. Alive and kicking. It would be an understatement to say that a lot changes in 12 months. A lot changes every 12 months between my birthdays too, but I don't sit there the night before my birthday making a list of things I want to change by the time I get to my next birthday. I could pick any random day and say by this time next year I want this to be different, but I don't. So why do we do it for a new year?
I see a lot of things on social media these days about people who struggle with the concept of a new year and all the improvements they must make. It really is simply another day. It's taken me YEARS to learn that. I find this time of year difficult. It's when the "you don't belong in next year" thoughts shout loudest. But if that were the case, why once I made it to 2013, to 2014, to 2015 was I allowed to live in the months following January but not that first month? It makes no sense. The month rolls over, the date changes, but this happens every 28-31 days. This December 31st-1st January I am trying to make a conscious effort to not do anything "special" Yes I will hang out with friends, but I will come home when I'm tired. Yes, I will set myself a list of goals for the year but I'm not committed to them. I'd love to join a gym and lose xkg by March and give up x, y and z but what's the point?
God made me as I am, and the only improvements I should be making should be ones drawing me closer to Christ. I don't need to change my body, I don't need to "think more happy thoughts" and no matter how many professionals tell me exercise will help my mood I know for a fact it doesn't and it achieves nothing but actually exacerbating my depression (fun fact about me right there ;)) so why do I need to force myself to go to the gym at least 3 times a week? Friday is just the start of another month. Instead of trying to change myself, I'm going to work harder on making sure I am truly thankful for all that I already have. I'm going to let God use me for good things. I'm going to be brave (there'll be a post about that on Friday!). I cannot change myself, by myself. I can do it only with God.
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
Ephesians 4:22-24
Tuesday 29 December 2015
One Word 365 (2015)
In small group the other week, my small group leader mentioned about One Word 365 (http://oneword365.com/) and challenged the two of us in small group to do it for the coming year. She was telling us about her words for the past couple of years, what they've ended up meaning, what she's learnt. And as she spoke, I realised that I knew my word for the past 12 months.
Safe.
My word for 2015 was safe and I didn't even know it. But it makes complete sense. This year has been a massive lesson in learning to trust God. I've been through so many things which would make others give up and yet here I am still. God has kept me safe in so many ways. I haven't self harmed since February, For the whole of 2015 I haven't taken an overdose. Physically I've been safe. Financially, when I've had no income, when I've been homeless, when I've felt at rock bottom God has provided. I've been safe in all of those times. I've had amazing friends put in my path, even when I thought I was losing them because life changed; they've remained. These are safe, stable friendships like I've never had before. With my history being full of people I thought were safe, who then proved otherwise; or those of who I was always wary; and the forever changing list of safe people I could talk to, I'm amazed these people have genuinely stuck around. They consistently find themselves on my safe list of people in a crisis and they even stick around in the good times too! I don't need to be broken to be loved. I feel safe with them wherever we are. I walk in to a room with them and I know I'm home. Home is a safe place. For me, home doesn't quite fit the box that people would like it to, but I know where I feel safe, and for me, when I feel safe, I'm home.
Back in spring, I went on an Encounter course at church. It's a mix between therapy and theology and was just wonderful. In the very first week we talked about characteristics of God and the one that came immediately to mind was safe. I'd never considered this characteristic of God before and I wasn't quite sure where that thought would lead me. I realise it's brought me here. I am safe, because God is safe. And I needed to learn that He will keep me safe no matter what. I've begun to accept I am safe and therefore I'm ready to take risks. Knowing that I have a safety net in God. He will catch me, break the fall, pick me back up. I'm safe and I trust Him. Let's see where 2016 takes me.
In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O LORD, will keep me safe.
Psalm 4:8 (NLT)
Safe.
My word for 2015 was safe and I didn't even know it. But it makes complete sense. This year has been a massive lesson in learning to trust God. I've been through so many things which would make others give up and yet here I am still. God has kept me safe in so many ways. I haven't self harmed since February, For the whole of 2015 I haven't taken an overdose. Physically I've been safe. Financially, when I've had no income, when I've been homeless, when I've felt at rock bottom God has provided. I've been safe in all of those times. I've had amazing friends put in my path, even when I thought I was losing them because life changed; they've remained. These are safe, stable friendships like I've never had before. With my history being full of people I thought were safe, who then proved otherwise; or those of who I was always wary; and the forever changing list of safe people I could talk to, I'm amazed these people have genuinely stuck around. They consistently find themselves on my safe list of people in a crisis and they even stick around in the good times too! I don't need to be broken to be loved. I feel safe with them wherever we are. I walk in to a room with them and I know I'm home. Home is a safe place. For me, home doesn't quite fit the box that people would like it to, but I know where I feel safe, and for me, when I feel safe, I'm home.
Back in spring, I went on an Encounter course at church. It's a mix between therapy and theology and was just wonderful. In the very first week we talked about characteristics of God and the one that came immediately to mind was safe. I'd never considered this characteristic of God before and I wasn't quite sure where that thought would lead me. I realise it's brought me here. I am safe, because God is safe. And I needed to learn that He will keep me safe no matter what. I've begun to accept I am safe and therefore I'm ready to take risks. Knowing that I have a safety net in God. He will catch me, break the fall, pick me back up. I'm safe and I trust Him. Let's see where 2016 takes me.
In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O LORD, will keep me safe.
Psalm 4:8 (NLT)
Saturday 26 December 2015
Christmas
I feel I need to blog about Christmas, to remind me really what it is all about.
Christmas is not about:
*how many times my mother can comment on my weight/eating habits
*how many "joke" arguments my parents have
*how many presents I got
*how many Christmases in a row Santa has not bought me slippers despite me taking Santa to a shop each year, pointing out the pair I want and saying "buy these now please so we don't have a repeat of last year"...and it still happening. I was so confidentmum Santa had bought me slippers this year that I even bought my old ones so they could be replaced. You'd think I'd have learnt after 5 years...
*my grandparents believing they'll ruin Christmas if mum has to pick them up
*lamenting that it's been x amount of Christmases without *family member* (8 without my uncle and cousin now)
*how quickly I can get away from the dinner table to retreat back in to my own space
*how quickly I can get back home to Oxford
Christmas is about:
*Jesus and the amazing gift that God gave to the world
*reconnecting with family
*using the phrase "calories don't count at Christmas" as much as is possible.
*Christmas socks and Christmas pants and new pyjamas
*welling up at the Queen's Speech because it is exactly what you need to hear
*the Light of the World winning against the darkness
I know so many people who struggle with Christmas for many reasons. There's one particular friend this year who is in my thoughts almost constantly. Something really significant happens and suddenly Christmas is changed forever. In my family, this year has been relatively low drama. No-one died, no-one was in hospital, there were no screaming matches, and no arguments over whether phones/laptops/tv are allowed to be used on Christmas Day.
Christmas for me is not easy. As an only child, there's no special extended family gathering. My grandparents don't even come over any more (I'm pretty sure if I didn't venture to Kent, my grandparents wouldn't even acknowledge Christmas exists). So Christmas Day, except for the presents, is like any other time my parents and I get together. Mum and dad bicker, mum comments on/criticises my life in some way, dad just sits silently or hides on the computer and I end up crying myself to sleep in the early hours of the morning because why can't my family be normal?
I tell people I hate Christmas. That's not entirely true. I hate the fake festivities that Christmas is expected to be. I love that Jesus came in to the world, I love that no matter how many times I screw up, I'm still forgiven because my sin was taken when Jesus died on the cross, I love that God loves me (even when I can't quite understand why!). I just hate the hype and the family expectation and the "everyone look at what a wonderful Christmas we're having" thing, especially on social media. In the build up to Christmas I cannot cope with the discussion over "what does your family do for Christmas?" "oh I've got this extended family and that extended family and even though a few years ago this happened, we still love having them at Christmas time" GREAT but it doesn't work for everyone. And apparently it's not limited to Christmas with my parents, but also this year we had Christmas as an intern house. I cried my way through the whole entire day because it's overwhelming. Christmas has never been a big family thing, it hasn't involved lots of games, and I definitely am not used to "protected family time but we can bend the rules because it's x" Maybe when I have a family of my own it'll be different. We'll make new traditions, we'll actually go to church on Christmas Day, and midnight communion the night before, and it'll be a day free of arguments no matter what happens. That's my hope for the future. Right now I have to suck it up and admit Christmas sucks, that being poorly is actually a really good way to survive it because I can "need a lie down" when I can't face anything more, and just remember that it isn't about family but about God. There is hope, because Jesus is light. Jesus brings life where there appears to be none. Right now is hard, but the future will be worth it. To look back and see where God has brought me, through all this rubbish in the middle.
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned
Isaiah 9:2 (ESV)
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
John 1:5 (ESV)
Christmas is not about:
*how many times my mother can comment on my weight/eating habits
*how many "joke" arguments my parents have
*how many presents I got
*how many Christmases in a row Santa has not bought me slippers despite me taking Santa to a shop each year, pointing out the pair I want and saying "buy these now please so we don't have a repeat of last year"...and it still happening. I was so confident
*my grandparents believing they'll ruin Christmas if mum has to pick them up
*lamenting that it's been x amount of Christmases without *family member* (8 without my uncle and cousin now)
*how quickly I can get away from the dinner table to retreat back in to my own space
*how quickly I can get back home to Oxford
Christmas is about:
*Jesus and the amazing gift that God gave to the world
*reconnecting with family
*using the phrase "calories don't count at Christmas" as much as is possible.
*Christmas socks and Christmas pants and new pyjamas
*welling up at the Queen's Speech because it is exactly what you need to hear
*the Light of the World winning against the darkness
I know so many people who struggle with Christmas for many reasons. There's one particular friend this year who is in my thoughts almost constantly. Something really significant happens and suddenly Christmas is changed forever. In my family, this year has been relatively low drama. No-one died, no-one was in hospital, there were no screaming matches, and no arguments over whether phones/laptops/tv are allowed to be used on Christmas Day.
Christmas for me is not easy. As an only child, there's no special extended family gathering. My grandparents don't even come over any more (I'm pretty sure if I didn't venture to Kent, my grandparents wouldn't even acknowledge Christmas exists). So Christmas Day, except for the presents, is like any other time my parents and I get together. Mum and dad bicker, mum comments on/criticises my life in some way, dad just sits silently or hides on the computer and I end up crying myself to sleep in the early hours of the morning because why can't my family be normal?
I tell people I hate Christmas. That's not entirely true. I hate the fake festivities that Christmas is expected to be. I love that Jesus came in to the world, I love that no matter how many times I screw up, I'm still forgiven because my sin was taken when Jesus died on the cross, I love that God loves me (even when I can't quite understand why!). I just hate the hype and the family expectation and the "everyone look at what a wonderful Christmas we're having" thing, especially on social media. In the build up to Christmas I cannot cope with the discussion over "what does your family do for Christmas?" "oh I've got this extended family and that extended family and even though a few years ago this happened, we still love having them at Christmas time" GREAT but it doesn't work for everyone. And apparently it's not limited to Christmas with my parents, but also this year we had Christmas as an intern house. I cried my way through the whole entire day because it's overwhelming. Christmas has never been a big family thing, it hasn't involved lots of games, and I definitely am not used to "protected family time but we can bend the rules because it's x" Maybe when I have a family of my own it'll be different. We'll make new traditions, we'll actually go to church on Christmas Day, and midnight communion the night before, and it'll be a day free of arguments no matter what happens. That's my hope for the future. Right now I have to suck it up and admit Christmas sucks, that being poorly is actually a really good way to survive it because I can "need a lie down" when I can't face anything more, and just remember that it isn't about family but about God. There is hope, because Jesus is light. Jesus brings life where there appears to be none. Right now is hard, but the future will be worth it. To look back and see where God has brought me, through all this rubbish in the middle.
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned
Isaiah 9:2 (ESV)
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
John 1:5 (ESV)
Tuesday 22 December 2015
Long time, no post
It's been a very long term and I've neglected this blog a little but finally it's the holidays! It's been a long time since I had real holidays that come at the end of term- actually it's probably been 7 years! Since I left school, I've always had some sort of work that keeps me going til Christmas Eve. But not this year. How exciting. Except I am exhausted. Not in the standard exhaustion way but the "I'm sat here and can barely keep my eyes open even though I've done pretty much nothing today"
To the point this is day 2 of trying to post this. I'm just so darn tired. 10 minutes is my maximum attention span before I am done and need to do something else. Currently my head wants me to go back to sleep. 10 minutes of posting, and then I will indulge in a mid morning nap. And this is how I see my entire Christmas break going. Wake up, eat, sleep, shower, sleep, do something semi-productive, sleep and so on. I'd like to tell you that I have real plans, but genuinely this is it. I need Becca time to reset.
This term has been filled with so many emotions, so much growth, so much change, so many long days that I no longer have the energy for anything more. And it starts again in just under 2 weeks. MADNESS.
Tomorrow I will write a real blog. I have several in mind. I just wanted to post to say I'm still alive but right now my body is crying out for a nap. So nap time it is.
To the point this is day 2 of trying to post this. I'm just so darn tired. 10 minutes is my maximum attention span before I am done and need to do something else. Currently my head wants me to go back to sleep. 10 minutes of posting, and then I will indulge in a mid morning nap. And this is how I see my entire Christmas break going. Wake up, eat, sleep, shower, sleep, do something semi-productive, sleep and so on. I'd like to tell you that I have real plans, but genuinely this is it. I need Becca time to reset.
This term has been filled with so many emotions, so much growth, so much change, so many long days that I no longer have the energy for anything more. And it starts again in just under 2 weeks. MADNESS.
Tomorrow I will write a real blog. I have several in mind. I just wanted to post to say I'm still alive but right now my body is crying out for a nap. So nap time it is.
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