2018 to 2019...

Another year has absolutely flown past. I feel like I've blinked and we've gone from Jauary to December! How has this happened? 2018 hasn't been my favourite year; we lost my grandad in March and life shifted a bit then. I moved house in May which lead to a very stressful and overwhelming seven months before moving again 10 days before Christmas. My tortoise-baby died in October but I got a new tortoise for Christmas. Very excited to have Orli join me in my new little house. Mental-health wise I've had the best year I've had in over a decade, but when I've hit lows, I've hit them bad. I've gained new friends and sisters-in-Christ that I never realised I needed. I've house-sat and puppy-sat and made new dog friends- obviously a highlight! One of my long-time online friends came to stay, I hosted Christmas and I've been to Exeter and Spain. So many things and I'm certain I've forgotten things.

My goal for 2019 is to blog fortnightly. I've missed the enjoyment and catharsis of writing and reflecting on life. I ended up holding on to far too much over summer and probably should have just written it all out. Oh well, we live and learn right?

And what of my word for 2018? Stay. In home group last month we talked about how sometimes God drip feeds us things rather than bing blunt when we're in a situation. And that is exactly how my year has been. Every time I've wanted to run, to get away from whatever is hard, or confusing, or challenging, or simply something I don't want to do, there's been a gentle whisper in my mind stay, we're not done yet. You said you'd stay. I'm not going to lie and tell you every time I was calmed by this- more than once I got frustrated "but God. I am DONE! I don't want to stay. I want to run away and restart and forget all of this" but something kept me here and my goodness am I glad I have stayed.

Looking ahead? My word for 2019 is, as usual, absolutely terrifying for me. But it wouldn't be my word if it was nice and easy, would it? And so, I shall embrace it.

In 2015, I learnt God is safe
In 2016, I learnt to be brave
In 2017, I learnt God speaks
In 2018, I stayed even when it got hard.
In 2019, I'm learning to live free

That's my word for 2019: free

Let's see what adventures God has in store this year.

Let me be clear- the Anointed One has set us free- not partially but completely and wonderfully free! We must always cherish this truth and stubbornly refuse to go back into the bondage of our past. 

-Galatian 5:1 (The Passion Translation)

5 Year Plan

A couple of months ago at work we were chatting with someone the church is supporting about 5 year plans. This got me thinking "do I have a 5 year plan"? The answer is "nope!" and then I realised something. It's been 5 years.

5 years ago, on this day, I decided I'd had enough of life. And not just in an "oh man, I need to get a grip and do something better" way, in a "leaving this world will be the best thing I can do right now". 5 years ago I had no future plans because I was done.

In case it isn't obvious, I didn't succeed. At the last moment I freaked out. The doctors told me that I was lucky. I didn't feel it. I told God that if I survived I knew it was for a reason. At that point I didn't even really believe in God but figured a bit of bargaining wouldn't hurt. I had literally nothing to lose. I thought removing myself would make everyone else's lives better again. I was a burden, a failure, hopeless, done. I had no desire to see my birthday 3 days later. Ironically, it was because of my birthday that I was discharged from hospital.

5 years ago, I couldn't speak to people I didn't know. I ran a mile from a ringing phone. My life was just about me, disappearing. My world was counting calories and exercising and dreaming of the day I could stop existing. I was a shell of a person. I may have been breathing but there was no life in me.

I didn't have a 5 year plan for my life on 6th July 2013, but God did.

4 years ago, I still didn't have a plan for life
3 years ago, I was surviving
2 years ago, the future seemed less scary
1 year ago, life was on the up

Today I can look back and see exactly how God has carried me through 5 years.The constant people out in my life, those who have entered and not left, those who have left. Over the 5 years I have become more "me". I've learnt my purpose, I feel like I've found my place for right now and I'd have a whole lot to lose. I've worked hard to get where I am today. If I had known 5 years ago who I'd be now, I would have laughed so hard. I had no idea that I'd go to church, meet God in the darkest moment, accept Jesus as my Saviour and work for a church. I had no idea I'd not only work for a church, but I'd work with children and tell them all about Jesus.

I never ever believed I could be happy and yet here I am. Bouncing about because it's nearly my birthday. My boss asked me the other week what my ideal birthday would be and it's so simple. It's the things that have kept me going: people who love me as I am, being outdoors (it's a great reminder of Creation) and cake (yup, cake is that important!). I spent so long believing life was about the big things that never seemed to happen to me, that I forgot to appreciate the little things along the way. Now I embrace the little things, the big things just seem to happen without any effort whatsoever.

It's crazy to think just how far I've come in 5 years without even really acknowledging it along the way. I love where I am now. I know I am God's child. I know I am loved by so many. I know God is good.

I'm excited to embark on the adventure of the next 5 years.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

Psalm 139: 14

Rest

What does it really mean to rest? I Googled it (because dictionaries are outside of the comfort of my snuggly blanket) and it defined rest as to cease work or movement in order to relax, sleep, or recover strength.

In case I haven't complained enough, I'd been fighting tonsillitis for over 3 weeks. One week after 20 days of antibiotics and I'm finally feeling more normal again. Everyone told me I should rest so over Christmas I took it really easy. I did very little. I finished antibiotics and all the symptoms reappeared within 24hours. Highly inconvenient. I feel like I've been sleeping more than I've been awake. Not for one moment though do I feel like I've had any sort of break. 

The other week was a bit random. My boss text me on Monday night inviting me to stay for the rest of the week to get a bit of a break. I was hesitant at first. How on earth could staying with my boss, her husband and their 2 small children possibly be considered a break, let alone restful? See above definition; none of it says "go spend a week with children who play ukuleles and sing Let It Go at 6.45am on your day off" (yes, that is *exactly* how I was woken up one morning) and yet, for some bizarre reason, this is exactly what I needed. 

No, I am still not 100% healthy. Yes, I still feel tired. But I feel relaxed and I feel like my strength is returning. I have certainly not ceased work nor movement. Am I not resting? Am I changing the definition of rest? Or did it not encompass everything in the first place? 

For me, I feel most rested when I'm content. My joy comes from spending time comfortably with people, seeing other people laugh and smile, agreeing to last minute trips to the zoo, just feeling a part of something. According to the dictionary, I'm doing this whole rest thing wrong, but I know what restores my strength and I'm going to keep doing that.

The Lord replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest" -Exodus 33:14

OneWord 365 2018

Over Christmas, as I was drifting off to sleep, I had a sudden thought: "oh no, I haven't even begun to think of my word for next year!" As soon as I finished my sentence the word popped in to my head. The speed of my response to the initial thought made me hesitant. How can a word come so freely when it hasn't even been on my mind. That was nearly a week ago but it took until yesterday for me to truly let the word loose in my thoughts. I typed in out but I didn't want to own it. It felt dull, plain, not very me. I wanted something exciting, challenging, new.

I wandered Port Meadow this morning, as has become my new year custom. I didn't walk my usual route, I wanted to see the ponies that live on the meadow so I went away from the river. As I walked and got closer to the ponies, I decided that I'd gotten close enough and I was going to head for home. That's when I heard the word again...

Stay

...and I realised it's the word I need this year. I'm easily distracted. I need people around me to prompt me when I start to stray from my path. I settle for enough and go elsewhere.

Stay seems such an unexciting word. I was hoping for "adventure" or "dream" or "growth". It's such an ambiguous word when you think about it. Do I stay a little longer in God's presence each day, stay in one place and make no progress, dwell in the good moments, soak up all that is around me, stay put where I live? What is it?

I cannot deny, it also has me wondering- what is going to distract me this year? Why do I need to stay? Is there something ahead that will totally ruin my faith? Sometimes I feel like I'm walking a tightrope and a slight wobble will have me plummeting to the darkness below. This year doesn't feel like that.

I expect challenges as a part of my Christian journey and I cannot plan ahead. All I can know if that Jesus is my Rock, my firm foundation that will keep me on this path through everything.

So here I am. This is the first year I've been excited for the year ahead and not thrown by the whole "new year, new me" thing. It's 2018 and I'm gonna stay a little longer.