Words are powerful

I titled this post over a month ago and yet didn't really know where I was going to go with it. I considered all the negative words that have been spoken over me; words that still, on the worst days, float around my head taunting me and telling me that the people who spoke them were right. Nowadays, I can choose whether I listen or not, but back then they were the only things being spoken in to my life.

At the start of this past week, things I had hoped for work-wise fell through (2 jobs, 1 voluntary thing). In 48 hours I had everything that was making this awkward transition period easier taken away from me. Getting one rejection message is hard at any time. Getting 3 in 2 days is really really rubbish. And yet, that is exactly what happened.

I'd be lying if I said I am 100% ok after that. And I'd also be lying if I said I was impeccable company to have around on Wednesday. I was tired and grumpy and all-round miserable. However I am taking the news about a billion times better than I would have done 6 months ago.

Last weekend was my church's weekend away. I spent 90% of the time sobbing and convincing myself everyone hated me. But equally in the other 10% of the time (mainly in the car to and from the weekend, but not exclusively) I had some really important conversations with people who actually mean quite a lot to me. 

One of those people I was talking to about having jobs lined up and that all would be ok. They shot back a comment about "needing to find me something more permanent". It startled me but got me thinking.

With another I was discussing what I really wanted in a job (very little actually matched with what I had planned) and where I thought my future was leading. 

The final one we just talked about lots of things in the past and future but as we talked I was making decisions in my mind. 

Mainly though the whole weekend God was speaking. He gave me a picture at one point, of a dark house with 2 lights still on. Then the lights switched off and He said "you're done here now". And as I started to type this blog, I realised that partly relates to the 2 job things. They were in one line of work that I love but don't want to do forever. It's about other stuff too, but it makes sense. 

I'd also already prayed about the two jobs and come to the conclusion they weren't the right thing. The jobs falling through wasn't a surprise in any way by the time the messages came through. It was hard but God had been telling me there's something better. Sometimes God speaks to me directly, sometimes He uses other people. Either way, this weekend I gave Him space to speak. 

I could really easily let the voices from years ago that tell me I'm not good enough speak louder. I could let them convince me that I'm worthless and will never be a truly functioning member of society. Or I could let the affirming voices of those who surround me now telling me they want me to have stability and that there so much more to life that I need to experience. 

I know who I'm choosing to listen to. Negative words might be powerful, but positive words are life giving and I'm choosing to cling tightly to those because I fully trust that God has amazing things in store for me.