Contentment

Sometimes I forget I have a blog, or feel like I have nothing to write about and then other times I feel like I must write about everything and I get overwhelmed because what exactly do I write about?! The last month has been a muddle of both of these things and finally, I have time, energy, motivation and brain space to sit and type.

I started writing this while being sat by the doors that open on to our back garden so I got to admire the gorgeous autumn sky while staying warm under a blanket. I'm finishing this post sat on a friend's sofa while I babysit for the evening. I was staring out the window earlier thinking about how gorgeous the day was and how thankful I was that I was able to enjoy it. I'm thankful now that I can be curled up on this sofa knowing it's a place filled with love and that things can change but I still have my friends. I love these little moments of joy that remind me there is so much good even in the difficult times.

The last couple of weeks have been really eye-opening for me. My job has changed things. I've loved jobs before but this is a whole new experience- I could write a whole post on just how much I love my work so I won't get carried away but this has brought new realisations.

I am content. There I said it. Things are good and even when they aren't, it's ok.

I was at a friend's work event the other day and I was totally thrilled for her. Genuinely thrilled, without any hint of jealousy that I wish I could do cool things like she is doing or regretting all the choices I've made to this point. I cannot wait to see how her new job pans out and what awesome things she'll see happen. My eyes maybe possibly welled with tears of happiness, but I can't completely confirm this.

This past weekend a friend got engaged and I was totally happy for her. I haven't spent a single moment wishing it was me, or hating the fact I'm single. This is a huge change for me. I haven't spent hours in tears about being left behind or forgotten about. I cannot wait to hang out with her and hear all the details.

Doing new things has helped; I am sure of this. I'm in a new environment where I can be me, not me with a history, and it's been a valuable change. A really scary step to start with- I left my comfort zone a long way behind but really I haven't lost anything. I've gained so much in such a short space of time and I want to desperately hold on to this. This week has probably been the toughest in a long time,  but it has totally reminded me of the things in my life that are precious to me.

It certainly hasn't been an easy journey to get to this point, and I am certain there will be huge bumps in the journey ahead but I am learning contentment no matter the circumstances and it's so satisfying.

OneWord 365 2017

Speak.

This word did not come easily. There must have been maybe 20 other words I thought about but none were right. So just after Christmas, I took myself on a prayer walk. Within 30 seconds, I had my word. Speak. Then ensued 15 minutes of arguing with God because I absolutely did not want this word. Speak. What am I meant to do with this?! Brave was scary, can I not have an easier word this year? Please, anything is better than speak. Then God gave me the verse to go with it. A very wildcard verse to appear in my head (especially as at that moment, I was not listening particularly well!)

"Speak, for your servant is listening" 1 Samuel 3:10 when God is talking to Samuel but he thinks it is Eli calling him. Samuel eagerly responds to Eli saying "Here I am". Eventually Eli realises God is speaking and tells Samuel to respond with this sentence when God calls to him again. Samuel responds and God tells him big things.

Once I'd got over the fact I cannot change my word for 2017, I started to think. I started to write this post in my head as I walked and so many things came to me that are linked to this word.

Firstly, back in autumn 2015 I ventured in to the world of practicing the discipline of submission. I was great at it for a term, and then the assignment was done and I stopped. I had a negativity jar and was watching my speech- was what I said True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, Kind? "From out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45). Back to moderating what I say and knowing when to stay silent. Challenge number 1.

Secondly, being brave has involved lots of speaking out about things that have happened or that I'm going through. I can be brave with words on a page. Can I be brave with my voice? I can't leave bravery behind in 2017 so that's challenge number 2. Being brave and speaking out more, especially when it feels hardest.

Finally, the real heart of 1 Samuel 3:10. Being prepared for God to speak. In return I am listening. Communication is not a one-sided thing. We don't need to speak for a conversation to happen. But like Samuel, I need to speak in order to show that I'm ready to listen to God. Honestly, in the last 4 months I can count on my hands how many times I've prayed, and on one hand the amount of times I've heard from God. That's hard to admit, but it is true. I'm coming from a place of conversation breakdown with God and it needs to change. Speak holds so emotions for me. It's scary; God might say something I do not want to hear, I might feel not ready to hear what He has to say. I might misunderstand what He is saying. All these things could go wrong. But what about all the things that could go right?!

And with this is the overall challenge for my year: giving God time to speak to me, truly listening to what He has to say, letting Him guide me in life further. This year once again holds so many uncertainties. But of one thing I am completely sure. God wont ever leave me alone in it. He is my hope and my anchor, my solid Rock.

I'm sure more will unfold over the year but for now these are the starting blocks.

So here it goes...
Speak, for your servant is listening.