5 years ago, on this day, I decided I'd had enough of life. And not just in an "oh man, I need to get a grip and do something better" way, in a "leaving this world will be the best thing I can do right now". 5 years ago I had no future plans because I was done.
In case it isn't obvious, I didn't succeed. At the last moment I freaked out. The doctors told me that I was lucky. I didn't feel it. I told God that if I survived I knew it was for a reason. At that point I didn't even really believe in God but figured a bit of bargaining wouldn't hurt. I had literally nothing to lose. I thought removing myself would make everyone else's lives better again. I was a burden, a failure, hopeless, done. I had no desire to see my birthday 3 days later. Ironically, it was because of my birthday that I was discharged from hospital.
5 years ago, I couldn't speak to people I didn't know. I ran a mile from a ringing phone. My life was just about me, disappearing. My world was counting calories and exercising and dreaming of the day I could stop existing. I was a shell of a person. I may have been breathing but there was no life in me.
I didn't have a 5 year plan for my life on 6th July 2013, but God did.
4 years ago, I still didn't have a plan for life
3 years ago, I was surviving
2 years ago, the future seemed less scary
1 year ago, life was on the up
Today I can look back and see exactly how God has carried me through 5 years.The constant people out in my life, those who have entered and not left, those who have left. Over the 5 years I have become more "me". I've learnt my purpose, I feel like I've found my place for right now and I'd have a whole lot to lose. I've worked hard to get where I am today. If I had known 5 years ago who I'd be now, I would have laughed so hard. I had no idea that I'd go to church, meet God in the darkest moment, accept Jesus as my Saviour and work for a church. I had no idea I'd not only work for a church, but I'd work with children and tell them all about Jesus.
I never ever believed I could be happy and yet here I am. Bouncing about because it's nearly my birthday. My boss asked me the other week what my ideal birthday would be and it's so simple. It's the things that have kept me going: people who love me as I am, being outdoors (it's a great reminder of Creation) and cake (yup, cake is that important!). I spent so long believing life was about the big things that never seemed to happen to me, that I forgot to appreciate the little things along the way. Now I embrace the little things, the big things just seem to happen without any effort whatsoever.
It's crazy to think just how far I've come in 5 years without even really acknowledging it along the way. I love where I am now. I know I am God's child. I know I am loved by so many. I know God is good.
I'm excited to embark on the adventure of the next 5 years.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalm 139: 14
