What I Wish You Knew About My Mental Illness: Part 2

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about common misconceptions people have relating to depression. I have Atypical Anorexia too and that comes with a whole other bundle of things that people wrongly think. I'm going to tackle a couple of these in this post.

1) Eating disorders are a teenage girl thing- surely you're too old for this?
Yes, I am aware I am no longer a teenager. I was once, and that's when all this started. It turns out if you don't get the right help at the right time, you don't just grow out of it and so over 10 years later I'm still plagued by an eating disorder.

2) You can't have anorexia, you're overweight
Yup, and that's why it is "atypical". And if you ask me why it's atypical, I'll probably tell you "it's because I'm fat". That isn't entirely true. My more obvious symptoms fit quite well in to the "bulimia" category, however my mindset is very much that of someone with anorexia. The guilt over eating anything is there, if I can find an excuse to skip a meal I will but my guilt leads me to compensating by purging in a variety of ways. Either way, the professionals diagnosed me and I have to trust their diagnosis is right.

3) Surely you're just a fussy eater
Ah no. That's completely separate. Yes, I am an insanely fussy eater. It's easier to ask me the list of foods I like instead of the foods I don't like. I've been a fussy eater since I was a child. My mum never forced me to try anything I didn't want to. Yes, maybe it was me being slightly spoilt, maybe it was me being difficult but I'll try foods when I want to. It's safer to not pressure me to eat something I don't want to.

4) But I've watched you eat normally
People with eating disorders still eat! Normal is a very flexible concept. And in actual fact I eat much better when I'm with people, than I do when I'm left to my own devices with food. I also do have periods when I can eat like a 'normal' person for a couple of weeks at a time. Then the guilt wins and my head gets shouty and I give in to the negative thoughts. Two weeks of doing ok does not reverse my diagnosis, or the second anyone entered recovery they'd be completely fine!

5) Having an eating disorder and being vegetarian is disordered.

I hate being asked why I'm vegetarian, because in my case this is 95% true. I am a vegetarian as a result of my eating disorder and it allows me to have an excuse to be restrictive. However for me it also helps; it gives me fewer menu options so I don't spend an hour deciding what to eat, I can't binge on fast food because it's less available and meat for me is the biggest trigger food for certain behaviours. It isn't a long term solution, but it makes things more manageable currently. I've never had real support for eating disorder recovery and this is just how I've learnt to keep myself stable. This isn't the case for everyone though; people have ethical reasons to be vegetarian or vegan. I'm not judging people's life choices and you don't need to either.


I'm sorry if this hasn't been the most articulate post, I so often dismiss my eating disorder as "it's not the real issue" so I don't ever have to talk about this stuff. I fail with words when people make these comments, so I thought I'd try writing the answers to make the words come more easily next time I'm asked.

What I Wish You Knew About My Mental Illness...

Monday 10th October is World Mental Health Day. Time to Change's Story Camp inspired me and so this blog post is happening. I've not so bluntly spoken about my mental health in a long time and this feels weird but hopefully I can do this.

I currently have 2 diagnoses. Depression and Atypical Anorexia. This week I surprised my boss by asking to take my time in lieu in one go instead of taking a week off sick; she had very little idea. There are so many misconceptions about mental illness. I want to tackle a couple related to depression that I've experienced- and they're all lies that my head likes to tell me regularly.

1) A relapse of depression means something has happened in my life.
Believe it or not, everything in my life is pretty darn good currently. Work is amazing, I love where I'm living, I have fabulous friends, I'm taking my medication every single day. Depression doesn't always have a cause, sometimes medication stops working, sometimes nothing big triggers it. It isn't a delayed reaction to something that happened weeks/months ago. I'm not faking it nor am I doing anything wrong. Sometimes it happens without any cause.

2) I can't be depressed because I have good days.
Up until Tuesday, I went in to work every single day and plastered a smile on my face. I did everything I was meant to, in the time frame I needed to and chatted to colleagues in spare moments. I used every ounce of energy that I had to do that. 4 hours out of 24 hours every day. 20 hours of letting my head win so I have the energy for 4 hours of fighting. In the past 3 days, leaving the house has been near impossible, and that's after getting dressed. Just because I don't show you outwardly what's going on in my head, doesn't mean I'm fine.

3) My friends are used to my depression and know exactly how to help so no-one else needs to get involved. 
Honestly, from one episode to the next, I cannot tell you what has consistently helped. Sometimes being with my friends is the best thing, sometimes sleeping for 18 hours a day is better. Sometimes continuing life as normal is helpful, sometimes it just masks what is really going on. If I knew what helped, I could tell my friends or even potentially help myself. If you have a new idea, say. I'm relatively ok with people suggesting things (except "have you tried meditating/medication/thinking more positively).

4) Don't get close to me because I am a burden. 
I really struggle with this one. I believe that I am an utter drain on my friends because I'm attention seeking and needy and always interrupting their lives. I know this isn't true. My friends are really good at telling me when it's too much but they're also amazing at dropping everything and making sure I'm ok. They also respect my space if I go silent on them for a couple of days. You do not need to avoid me, I maintain balanced friendships and your bad week will not send me spiralling- my depression also isn't contagious.

5) You can't be a real Christian/God can't be real because you're not healed.
This is the one I have the biggest fight with. I know God is real. I chose to follow Jesus 2.5 years ago and I don't regret this at all. Life following Jesus isn't easy, even when I am well there are challenges but that's ok. One really clear thing throughout this entire time is that God will use my story in a powerful way. I used to ask for healing frequently and He would tell me "no", that answer has changed over the past year to "not yet". And this is the hope that keeps me clinging on for better days- I just have to be patient. Please don't judge me for my faith nor God for not healing me instantly. Respect my beliefs. I have hope for the future and that's what keeps me alive. One day it will be better,

I know there are so many more but these are the five biggest misconceptions I experience regularly. If there are other massive stigma that you've experienced and think I've missed, feel free to comment. Slowly we'll break through stigma and people will understand more.