OneWord 365 2018

Over Christmas, as I was drifting off to sleep, I had a sudden thought: "oh no, I haven't even begun to think of my word for next year!" As soon as I finished my sentence the word popped in to my head. The speed of my response to the initial thought made me hesitant. How can a word come so freely when it hasn't even been on my mind. That was nearly a week ago but it took until yesterday for me to truly let the word loose in my thoughts. I typed in out but I didn't want to own it. It felt dull, plain, not very me. I wanted something exciting, challenging, new.

I wandered Port Meadow this morning, as has become my new year custom. I didn't walk my usual route, I wanted to see the ponies that live on the meadow so I went away from the river. As I walked and got closer to the ponies, I decided that I'd gotten close enough and I was going to head for home. That's when I heard the word again...

Stay

...and I realised it's the word I need this year. I'm easily distracted. I need people around me to prompt me when I start to stray from my path. I settle for enough and go elsewhere.

Stay seems such an unexciting word. I was hoping for "adventure" or "dream" or "growth". It's such an ambiguous word when you think about it. Do I stay a little longer in God's presence each day, stay in one place and make no progress, dwell in the good moments, soak up all that is around me, stay put where I live? What is it?

I cannot deny, it also has me wondering- what is going to distract me this year? Why do I need to stay? Is there something ahead that will totally ruin my faith? Sometimes I feel like I'm walking a tightrope and a slight wobble will have me plummeting to the darkness below. This year doesn't feel like that.

I expect challenges as a part of my Christian journey and I cannot plan ahead. All I can know if that Jesus is my Rock, my firm foundation that will keep me on this path through everything.

So here I am. This is the first year I've been excited for the year ahead and not thrown by the whole "new year, new me" thing. It's 2018 and I'm gonna stay a little longer.

Unspoken things

Shame is a topic that has been going around in my head for a long time now. The very fact I feel afraid to write about it shows that it needs to be tackled. There have been so many incarnations of this post. I keep getting scared, deleting it and trying to write it again. We'll see how far this one gets.

If you asked me to list my proudest moments from life so far, I could maybe list off 5 things at a push. I wouldn't be able to tell you many details, just a few basic bullet points. If you asked me to list the times I felt shame, I will lose count. I will also be able to tell you how old I was, where I was, what words were said, who said it, who witnessed it and what that's meant for me further down the line. I'm not sure if talking about shame opens old wounds or starts the healing process, we shall see.

I remember being 7, looking at a photo of me after a ballet exam. Pink leotard, pink tights, pink ballet shoes, hair scraped back and my thighs touching. Looking at that photo I felt disgusted, I knew my body shouldn't look like that. I was not a good person because I did not look right. At age 7, my value was in how I perceived my body. At age 10, a boy in my class commented on my body. That was all the confirmation I needed. The years following didn't matter. One comment was all it took to know that I would never be good enough. Looking back now I still hate my body, I still hate how it looks, but I also hate that I've held this belief for almost 20 years.

Whilst babysitting on Monday I jotted some notes down for this post (don't worry, the baby was napping at the time!). I don't think I need to elaborate on this.

Hurt.
Told someone.
More hurt.
Told no-one.
Assumptions.
I let someone in.
Pain.
I shut everyone out.
Broken.
I gave up caring.
Shame.
Secrets.
Silence.
Safe.
Brave.
Speak.

For years, I've believed I'm broken. I'm worth nothing because that is all the world has ever told me. As I let God in to my life, some things started to change but I held on to some secrets. The words associated to things brought more pain, things I wanted to leave in my past. I was hurt because I was broken. I did not break because I was hurt. 2 summers ago, I got brave. I spent the whole summer learning to trust someone and then I used words I'd never used before out loud (I'd tried previously but was too poorly for anything to be done) And this person listened. She didn't laugh, or tell me I was lying. She hugged me. She prayed for me. Most importantly, 2 years later, she's still a friend.

2017 for me is about words. But sometimes I think actions speak louder than words. I'm thankful for several loyal friends. People who know almost the full story, and some who don't quite, but regardless they've stuck around. It's words that broke me; words I spoke over myself long before anyone else voiced my thoughts. While words can heal too, sometimes it just isn't enough.  Action is needed. Love someone a little harder today.

Shame is an awful emotion. It destroys everything in you and your relationship with everyone around you. I battle every single day with some part of me- be it my physical being or my actions or someone else's actions or in fact my inaction but it's changing. It takes up less brain space. I'm getting there. Love changes things. Not just the love from others, or the love from myself but the love God gives. His abundant love is powerful. It's breaking down walls from long ago. God's perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18) I'm scared but I have people who don't run away from me and a God who loves me despite all my flaws. I'm laying myself out here because these are the things that have brought me to where I am today.

I'm posting this today because of someone at church tonight who was so plainly honest. I admire her and her strength and while she was talking I knew tonight I need to be open too and post this blog. I'm not posting this on my own strength, God has given me the courage to do so.

Isaiah 54:4 says
Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded; for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. This verse has been in my head the entire time I've been trying to write on shame. What a comfort! The rest of that passage is equally powerful and I suggest you look it up. But for now I'm taking a deep breath and hitting publish.

OneWord 365 2017

Speak.

This word did not come easily. There must have been maybe 20 other words I thought about but none were right. So just after Christmas, I took myself on a prayer walk. Within 30 seconds, I had my word. Speak. Then ensued 15 minutes of arguing with God because I absolutely did not want this word. Speak. What am I meant to do with this?! Brave was scary, can I not have an easier word this year? Please, anything is better than speak. Then God gave me the verse to go with it. A very wildcard verse to appear in my head (especially as at that moment, I was not listening particularly well!)

"Speak, for your servant is listening" 1 Samuel 3:10 when God is talking to Samuel but he thinks it is Eli calling him. Samuel eagerly responds to Eli saying "Here I am". Eventually Eli realises God is speaking and tells Samuel to respond with this sentence when God calls to him again. Samuel responds and God tells him big things.

Once I'd got over the fact I cannot change my word for 2017, I started to think. I started to write this post in my head as I walked and so many things came to me that are linked to this word.

Firstly, back in autumn 2015 I ventured in to the world of practicing the discipline of submission. I was great at it for a term, and then the assignment was done and I stopped. I had a negativity jar and was watching my speech- was what I said True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, Kind? "From out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45). Back to moderating what I say and knowing when to stay silent. Challenge number 1.

Secondly, being brave has involved lots of speaking out about things that have happened or that I'm going through. I can be brave with words on a page. Can I be brave with my voice? I can't leave bravery behind in 2017 so that's challenge number 2. Being brave and speaking out more, especially when it feels hardest.

Finally, the real heart of 1 Samuel 3:10. Being prepared for God to speak. In return I am listening. Communication is not a one-sided thing. We don't need to speak for a conversation to happen. But like Samuel, I need to speak in order to show that I'm ready to listen to God. Honestly, in the last 4 months I can count on my hands how many times I've prayed, and on one hand the amount of times I've heard from God. That's hard to admit, but it is true. I'm coming from a place of conversation breakdown with God and it needs to change. Speak holds so emotions for me. It's scary; God might say something I do not want to hear, I might feel not ready to hear what He has to say. I might misunderstand what He is saying. All these things could go wrong. But what about all the things that could go right?!

And with this is the overall challenge for my year: giving God time to speak to me, truly listening to what He has to say, letting Him guide me in life further. This year once again holds so many uncertainties. But of one thing I am completely sure. God wont ever leave me alone in it. He is my hope and my anchor, my solid Rock.

I'm sure more will unfold over the year but for now these are the starting blocks.

So here it goes...
Speak, for your servant is listening. 

We have hope.

A long winded introduction as to why this post is only appearing now: 

When I was younger, I'd go on a camp in the summer or at Easter and it would be awesome, then I would come home and fall in to a horrid depression. We'd call it post-camp blues but I knew I felt it more intensely than others. I never quite knew what to do to cope through this time. No-one wanted to talk about camp after it was done. Apparently it's different when you go on mission. People want to talk about a mission trip for a while and it isn't until people stop asking that the struggle sets in. 

This past week hasn't been easy. My mental health is rapidly falling off the cliff that I walk along the edge of on a regular basis. So maybe, just maybe, this might help me cling on a bit and remind me of the hope I learnt of while away. 

End of disclaimer ;)

Lisieux

The first week in Normandy was hard, like insanely hard. My anxiety was at an all-time high despite taking medication. It was scary. I could not shake this anxiety and it is my overriding memory of the whole week. There were moments of joy: hanging out with the team every night, pastries for breakfast, going to see the city, praying for the city at 7.30am in front of the basilica (watching the sun rise, seeing the beautiful morning sky, sharing communion), the women's breakfast, getting really powerful words spoken to me that started a change, helping to set up a 24/7 prayer room and praying in it, sharing a room with all the girls, giving out Bibles on a university campus in Caen. Plenty of amazing things and yet, I remember so clearly the weight of oppression I felt the entire week. 

What did I learn from that week though? Perseverance. I begged most nights to be allowed to go home, to just not have to do the things I'd been asked to do, to just give up. And yet, I didn't leave. I didn't quite do everything as planned, but I stayed. That was my biggest achievement. Not giving up. When things get hard I run in the opposite direction, I have no desire to stay and see if things get better; I have no control over the outcome so it's safer to run because I know what happens then. But I stayed. More than anything, I learnt how much others love me, and that God puts me in places for a reason. If I'd not gone, I would never have been told that a tunnel ends eventually, that God wants to turn me around significantly, that I shouldn't just hear of God's provision for others but believe it for myself too. If I'd have left, I wouldn't have heard a testimony that's changed my perspective so significantly. I wouldn't have gone to Paris and I wouldn't have gone to Madrid. Hold on, pain ends. 

Paris

Paris was 100% about being brave in a way I never imagined. I never thought a city could trigger memories from a different city because of an association. I never thought that I'd tell anyone that part of my story (it was a silly teenage mistake, you see) or that it'd be relevant in my life any more. But it was and I had to talk. 

I love Paris- the language, atmosphere, places to see. I spent time in my European happy place (the steps in front of the Sacre Coeur if you're wondering) and I spent time rocking back and forth in a corner of a church in absolute fear. But I was brave. I wouldn't have got to my happy place if I hadn't fought the thoughts. I wouldn't have made beautiful new memories if I hadn't told anyone why it was so flipping hard for me to be in that city. I learnt the importance of being surrounded by people you can trust that love you no matter what your mental state. I learnt the value of being hugged tight like nothing else exists. I remembered the need to persevere even when your world feels like it's falling apart because you just might be surprised. 

Madrid

And after many, many hours in the airport we arrived in Madrid. I'm not sure I'm about to do this justice, but I will try. My life has been forever changed by spending 6 days in Betel. The women we stayed with welcomed us with open arms (quite literally) and loved us from the minute they met us. Nothing was too much trouble for them. The language barrier didn't matter, we're all part of God's family and that's what mattered most. 

I spent several days working in the kitchen. It was comforting, familiar. I'm thankful for the opportunity to do something that was safe because it meant the "ohmygosh I speak no Spanish" was infinitely less scary. I got to hear the stories of the 2 women I worked with (yay for broken English!) and I shared a little bit of mine. On the 2nd full day we got to go out with the evangelism team to the slum. It was weird. I put up my mental wall and just accepted it. I had to protect others. I don't think I'll ever be able to totally recall what I saw that day- people desperate for drugs that they couldn't care who was watching when they injected, people asking to buy us girls as slaves, a guy who said he was too bad for God, another who was completely blind to where this habit would lead him. We were surrounded by darkness, and yet, for me not one bit of what I saw surprised me. What actually overwhelmed me was just how much God had redeemed those at Betel; how much love He's shown them and brought them out from utter destruction to a much more amazing way of life. And they praise God for it. Continually. I'll admit I don't believe that God can ever do that much in my life- how could he? I'm such an average person, why make me in to something better? Well that was my thought process before Betel anyway. 

As the week went on I got to know one of the women more. By Saturday it made sense to share my testimony completely with her. The wisdom with which she spoke in to my life after that, the things that she shared to encourage me. I was taken aback. This woman who had known me less than a week knew exactly what I needed to hear. Only God could have told her to say some of those things. It was an amazing blessing to be able to have that conversation with her. I'd led the devotional time a couple of days previously on Isaiah 43:1-7 and she knew how much I needed to hear what I'd said to them for myself. She even said to me that in a few years time I'll make an amazing nurse again, that she can see me doing that. For the first time since 2012 I didn't recoil at this suggestion. That's big. 

On the final morning the house leader asked to speak to me. She sat me down and told me her testimony. I am the only one of the group to have heard it and that will forever be a privilege. She told me she wanted to get close to me at the start of the week but I built a wall and wouldn't budge. I needed to hear her story, God made it happen. I truly am overwhelmed by God's healing power, His desire to redeem, His overflowing love for anyone who knows him. That I may not have been addicted to drugs, but I have been addicted to other things, I have looked for my identity and value in the world, I have neglected God while searching for something to fill the emptiness I've felt.  

The mission trip gave me hope like I've never had before. A very real idea of hope. I don't need to be fixed by the time I turned 25. I haven't missed my chance. I am battling a different addiction but one that I can still be healed from. It doesn't have to be instant. I've learnt the power of telling my story. That it can be an encouragement even before it has reached a conclusion. That I am a work in progress, but it's God doing the work. I don't need to be fixed before I go to Him. And that He is the solid foundation on which I need to stand. I can't take good care of others until I've taken care of myself. But there is always more of God to help me, I'm never doing this on my own strength. I've seen things I never thought I'd see, I've heard stories I never imagined I'd hear and because of this I have hope. There are better things to come for everyone reading this, and for myself. 

Don't just read stories of hope, believe it is possible for yourself.

We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf.

Hebrews 6:19-20

Quiet Voice, Loud Mind

I realise I've been quiet recently and not just on this blog. I use Facebook a lot less, I tweet not as often and I don't often have fun things to post on Instagram. While typing this I realised I've become quieter in life too. I'm busier, sure, but I'm withdrawing more and spending more time alone. While, in some capacity, this is good because it's so hard to get time alone when you live with so many others, it also isn't good for me.

I  guess what I really need to say is things aren't great in my life right now. The struggles of being poorly over Christmas haven't really gone away and now I'm struggling intensely in every aspect of life. Getting out of bed some days is a challenge, let alone the act of getting out of pjs and in to clothes. I'm not feeding myself appropriately nor am I behaving sensibly around food when I am eating. I'm getting angry at little things. I've had moments of trying to find relief in self harm. I cry a lot more than I don't. I'm losing weight and people are noticing. I have a constant weight on my shoulders. I'm back in therapy that I can't really afford. I'm not communicating with friends as I should. The thought of the future has left me wanting to die.

And yet, here I am. In the last 10 days I have co-ordinated catering at 2 events, facilitated prayer spaces for an all-age service, led endless children's activities and prayer meetings, babysat and many other things. I am still breathing. I haven't hurt myself this week. I've reached out to people in a way I haven't in a very long time. I'm in a total daze and physically exhausted but I'm alive and that is what is important. I've given out so so much this weekend for this morning, and the second the service started I knew everything we'd done was right. I was filled afresh and totally blessed by everything that happened.

It's not been easy these past couple of weeks. I went to an amazing children's leaders conference and then had a brilliant 4 day holiday to Budapest. I didn't take care of myself in any of that time and that's what has left me in this muddle now. I've pushed my body to its limits. Mentally I'd love to go to sleep and never wake up. However I've never felt so loved and valued by people around me.

This week I had a really raw, honest, vulnerable conversation with a pastor in a coffee shop. Someone I never imagined I'd share my story with. If that seemed unlikely, her sharing her story in return wasn't even on my radar, but she did and I felt honoured. It's been so long since anyone has told me their story, mainly because they hear a little bit about me and don't want to burden me. That didn't happen and it's changed things. People trust me still. I'm not too broken to ever be a support for others. It gave me hope in a way I haven't had in a long time. I matter to other people and stories should be shared. Hearing stories of experience gives inspiration and hope in a way that nothing else can quite manage.

While we're on mission I have to give a 7 minute evangelistic talk. Stories should be shared. I know what I need to talk about. I have to be brave. I have strength to do this because God has lined up so many people recently to encourage me all over again. Today I am thankful, because my voice may be quiet, my mind may be loud, but God is loudest of all and that's exactly all I need.


The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 
Lamentations 3:22-23

One Week...

The first week of 2016 is complete. I survived. If my word for the year wasn't brave I'm not entirely convinced I'd still be standing right now. Every evening has involved repeating "I need to be brave enough just for tonight. We'll deal with tomorrow when it comes" So how have the resolutions been going?

First up the resolutions. Well I sit here at 20.30 with my phone on beside me. Turning it off at 6pm? Well it's happened some nights but also my mental health is a bit fragile at the moment. I need that external support that being able to contact my friends at different hours bring me right now. That doesn't mean I'm not still aiming for no phone after 6pm; circumstances right now require it to be different and actually I need to be kind to myself, not force myself to do this alone. I am, however, already more aware at how much more I need to invest myself in being present for others. Same with Facebook. I waste a lot less time on social media already and actually I'm more efficient to the point I'm left wondering "how did this ever take me so long?"!

I've managed my two walks this week, I've kept up daily quiet time and I'm being brave. Which brings me on to how my one word has been going. It hasn't been easy. Every single day I've had some sort of struggle; I'm so up and down at the moment but every night I'm making a conscious decision to be brave; to not give in to my head and see what happens tomorrow. I've had my first proper counselling session in several years, I've come back for the second term of internship (not an easy decision) and I've managed to start the term forgiving someone I wasn't sure I could. This week I've had to decide that I need to not look for jobs yet- it's not the time and it's stressing me out endlessly. The time will come and until then I have to keep giving it back to God.

I've had so many compliments and encouragements this week about things I've done and it feels good. The bad times are bad, but there's always something positive floating around that makes it easier. The days ahead scare me so bad, but I can smile. I am brave enough and I will win this battle. One day at a time.

She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come
Proverbs 31:25

One Word 365 (2016)

So I mentioned a couple of days ago that I'd been challenged to come up with one word for 2016 that will become the theme of my year. There were a couple of words that floated around and felt kind of right, but there was one definite, completely right, no arguments about it, word for 2016.

The first word that originally came to mind was "restore". Joel 2:25 says
"I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten..." I'd be lying if I said I have gotten exactly what I dreamed of when I was a child over the last 15 years of my life. I never imagined any of the things I've been through. Heck, I wanted to be married by age 23 and I was going to be a nurse, like a really successful one or a genetics counsellor. I was going to live abroad. That obviously hasn't happened. I lost so many years to the locusts in my life (mainly mental illness, but there's a couple of other things in there too) and I believe in this Scripture. God will restore those years and it feels like this coming year things will start to shift in to place; but it isn't the main focus. So that was that. "Restore" is not the word.

There were a couple of others "trust", "healing", "bold" but as "restore" they didn't quite fit exactly right.

The word that stuck, time and again, that has been floating around in the past couple of months but I haven't grasped for myself yet is "brave". In our first week we had to think of a word to describe ourselves that began with the same letter as our name. Brave kept coming back. I wrote about it a little here. I look back on my life and so many people tell me I'm brave, I've fought so much and I'm still fighting, still standing and yet it isn't a word I would use to ever describe myself. I don't put myself out there, I prefer to hide in a corner and sulk than speak up for what I believe in for fear of it coming across wrong. 2016 feels like the year I need to claim that for myself. I am brave. I can type it, but can I truly say it out loud and believe it? And then the following on from that- can I be brave for God? Can I step out of my comfort zone, and do a new thing? Do something I am passionate about, that might seem a little out there to some. I have no idea what that might be but unless I am brave, take chances, embrace opportunities how will I find out? Now that this past year I have spent learning that I am safe in God, I needn't be afraid to take risks. 

Shamefully I've never read the Chronicles of Narnia, despite owning them for many, many years. And today, as I was reading Prince Caspian, this interaction between Aslan and Susan hit me (So much so I underlined it! I never underline in books). 
"You have listened to your fears, child," said Aslan. "Come, let me breathe on you. Are you brave again?" And it resonated. Am I brave again? Right now, I don't feel it. I'm letting the hate of New Year win, but at the end of the year, will I be able to answer this question differently? I long to be able to hand my worries and fears over to God and that be it; not cling to a teeny bit that holds me back. I can only do that by being brave. I trust Him. I know he is safe. So this year I will not only aim to be brave for God but be brave in my relationship with God. It is only to let things go. At least once a week someone retweets "let go and let God". That's part of my being brave. He will be with 


And then in standard New Year fashion...I alluded the other day to the fact I have succumbed to the necessary resolutions for the new year. For me they aren't about self improvement, they're about embracing the life God has given me- spending more time with friends, rediscovering who I really am, and most importantly getting closer to God. 

*I'm only going to use Facebook on the work computer (this may sound ridiculous but I need to use FB for my job. If I didn't, I'd delete it completely and be done with it. I don't need to spend hours scrolling staring at baby photos and engagement announcements which leave me longing for a "better life" when I have so many people around me that I need to invest in)
*I will aim to not use my phone between the hours of 6pm and 7am (Once again I must invest in other people)
*I am going to read 12 new books (they can be any genre, and I can read them all over the summer if that's how it works out. I love reading, and I read many more than 12 books in a year, but they're all comfortable old favourites. I need to break that habit) 
*I will go for at least 2x30 minute walks each week (it will give me time alone with God, time to calm my thoughts, and give me a little bit of physical exercise. It can also be taken in 4x15 minute walks) 
*I will continue to make sure I leave the town in which I'm living at least once every 6 weeks (Ideally I'd leave the county but time/money hasn't allowed for that. I just need time away to help me appreciate what I have)
*I will continue to designate one day a week in which I'm allowed to say no to people's plans and do what I want (It preserves my sanity more than people realise)
*I will continue to have daily quiet time (even on the worst days if I write nothing more than the verses I have read, I will not break this habit)
*I will be brave and take risks (God is right there with me. I need to step out in faith or I'll get nowhere)

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43: 1-2

One Year...

I've said it before but a lot can change in just 365 days. 

On Monday, I will be 1 whole year overdose free, I woke up one Sunday morning last year, wishing I hadn't but also relieved. I had no idea, going to bed the night before, if my body would survive the third overdose in 4 days. Part of me hoped it wouldn't. It was easier to let the darkness win. 

On that Sunday evening my friend dragged me up for prayer. I'd just returned from looking after my grandad for a month. Work was horrific. My friends didn't understand. I felt like even God had given up on me. Asking for prayer was a last ditch attempt. I felt nothing. The entire time the vicar was praying for me, I was planning how many tablets I'd need to buy to make this last attempt the final one. All I needed to do was get through the 45 minute drive home and then I could say goodbye to the world. I remember when I moved 45 minutes away, people freaked out and said I shouldn't be that far away and living alone. Little did they know that 45 minute drive would save my life. 

At some point, driving along a dark road, I told myself I could have 24 more hours and if I still felt that awful, I could end it. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold myself accountable though, so emailed my pastorate leader when I got home. In typing that email I promised her I'd not overdose until 2nd January. I have no idea where that date came from, or how I managed to even hit "send". One moment of courage and I'm still overwhelmed at the thought it ever happened. I read the email frequently in disbelief.

On 2nd January, I wanted to reward myself with an overdose for not overdosing to that point. Instead I text a friend promising her until 10th July. I got to my 25th birthday. A day I never dreamt of seeing. 4 months later, here I am. I didn't need to make any more promises to get to this point. Every day is still a battle. My thoughts tempt me every so often to buy more tablets "just in case". I still get scared taking paracetamol for a headache in case I can't stop. But from Monday I'll be a year overdose free. A year without an attempt to take my life. Considering this past year; all the instability, the changes, the admissions about my past, friendships changing, it is unbelievable that I have made it through. In just one year, so much has changed. I still struggle to see a future after July 2016 but I know I'll make it there. I may not have had a conventional journey to recovery this past year, but I'm getting there. 

Every day involves me fighting, it is going to take a long time, but I know God has given me the strength to choose to fight every single day. I have to choose to be courageous every single day.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts"- Winston Churchill

Courage

Courage is a word I don't often hear these days, and yet these last few days the following quote has been floating around my head.

'Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying"I will try again tomorrow"'

Several people this week have mentioned that I have so much courage, and at first I've been very quick to correct them: I don't do anything major that warrants that label. In induction week I used the adjective "brave" to describe myself because others said it, not because I believed it. However this quote keeps reappearing and I'm beginning to realise what people mean. No, I'm not jumping off cliffs, or climbing mountains or putting myself completely out there, but I am getting up every morning, I am getting myself to work every day, I'm not running away when things get difficult, I'm starting to speak about things. While others may see these things as trivial; something they manage without even thinking, these are my mountains that I am climbing. 

It's been one roller coaster of a week. I went to a different church on Sunday, my nana spent a night in hospital, Alpha is a challenge, I'm angry at my parents, angry at God, struggling to fight the destructive thoughts, feeling totally unwanted by many people, I've cried my eyes for hours, I've screamed at my pillow, vented at so many and yet my working week is nearly done and here I am. I'm still standing and with a tiny bit of energy left. I'm amazed as the next person that I'm still going. 

People this week have said that it's a privilege to be part of my journey, that they're really proud of me, that I'm doing so well. I've laughed at most of them and told them to stop lying to me, but as I sit typing this I'm beginning to realise that they're right. I'm defying a lot of odds right now. 11 months ago, I didn't even know if I'd wake up the next morning and here I am beginning to live, not simply survive. Someone else said to me this week that those who struggle the most are healing and growing and end up thriving. I'm praying this applies to me too. Right now I don't know what I'll be doing in a year, and I don't really want to know either, but actually I know I'll be alive. I may still only be just learning to walk through life, but that's ok. These things take time. I'm healing day by day. God has been telling me this week I need to slow down. I do, before I burn myself out again. It's not sustainable to live at the pace I have been, never wanting to stop to enjoy the journey and only focusing on the destination. That's not the way to go. I'm starting to see that. Right now I need to be brave every single day and face the demons that tell me to run, to disappear, to give up. I may not shout loudly, nor seek praise for these things, but just getting out of bed is enough sometimes and I notice only by reflection. Reflection that only happens when I stop and take a breath. 

It's ok. I can be courageous, just in my own little way. 

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.

-1 Corinthians 16: 13-14