Something is floating around my mind currently is when does a slip up become a lapse and when does that lapse become a relapse? I've slipped back in to several bad habits and I'm not sure at what point I need to tell someone something is wrong.
I know everyone has bad days. I know that I am no exception to this. But every single time I have a bad day, I freak that I'm falling back in to depression and ohmygoodness how can I stop it? Then wake up the next morning, feeling better, realising that the previous day was just "one of those days".
I recently had one of these bad days while away at New Wine. I felt completely empty, everything felt wrong and I had no interest in anything at all. I was afraid I was hitting full relapse territory. Christians often preach on passions, and how every Christian should have a specific passion. I currently don't have one and I was so scared. I didn't have a passion, my depression is very definitely linked to lack of interest in anything, therefore I was depressed again and I was never getting out. I spent the rest of the day wallowing in self-pity because I am *never* going to be well and I'm going to be stuck in the grasp of depression forever.
The next day I had a bit of a revelation. I didn't wake up with interest in everything again, nor did I wake up feeling a whole lot better. Wandering around the site I realised that I didn't have a passion anymore and that is a good thing. I no longer feel that I *should* be passionate about working with people with different needs. I no longer feel that I need to return to nursing because that is my training background. I no longer feel the need to travel the world to escape life here in Oxford. This doesn't mean I'm depressed. I have the chance to reset myself. Rather than being interested in nothing, I can be open to everything. I can enter my internship with a completely open mind. I won't be sat there thinking "this isn't what I want to do" or "I wish I were doing x,y or z instead, because I don't care for this" I can be wondering where the year will lead me instead of wondering what could have been.
I can enter the internship I'm totally open to the possibilities to see where God takes me. This isn't a relapse, it's a shifting of priorities.
Wednesday 12 August 2015
Saturday 8 August 2015
Growing in God
These past 2 weeks have been such a whirlwind.
The first week was Holiday Club, titled Grand Designs. We studied the story of Joseph, which was really cool, and talked about how God has grand designs for our lives. It was so wonderful to watch the children grow in confidence, friendships and willingness to engage with God. And yet it was also such a learning curve for me. I'm good with children, but not particularly comfortable with them. I always worry that they'll hate me, that they'll ask questions and I won't know the answers, and that I'll be made a fool of in one way or another. The age group I fear this most with is 4-6 years old. The small group I was co-leading were all 4 and 5 year olds. Cue major panic and complete fear of being well out of my comfort zone! But after a week with amazing and supportive co-leaders, it's less scary. Still not comfortable, but better than before. I'm not going to run away from working with young children any more, well I hope not anyway!
The week just gone, I spent in a tent, surrounded by thousands of other Christians, at the New Wine conference. I've never been to something on such a large scale, and never dreamed I would go on my own! There were so many venues and so many seminar options that to start it was very overwhelming; what if I go to the wrong venue, what if I end up at a seminar that isn't for me, what if, what if, what if. I chose by topic, not by speaker or venue, and thoroughly enjoyed every single one I attended. Some challenged me, some made me think, some were life-giving, all have changed me in some way.
The majority of seminars I attended were around prayer. No, I wasn't looking for a magic formula to make sure I always pray when I should. No, I wasn't trying to find out how to make sure God hears every prayer, and answers every single one immediately. I don't really know what I was looking for, but I learnt so much. How to make prayer more appealing so I don't let life get in the way, make sure I grow in my relationship with God, am present for prayer and not letting my mind wander. Early on in the week, I uncovered the gift of tongues in myself. It's a seriously weird experience to start but feels natural after such a short time. I never dreamt that speaking in tongues was my thing, but there we go. God likes to surprise us.
Another surprise from God was sitting in a seminar about blessings, when I very clearly heard God say "I love you". My auto response was "why?" I need to stop questioning and just accept it.
The biggest surprise, however, was the day I went to a different venue. The worship wasn't my style at all, I wasn't keen on the whole atmosphere and was planning to walk out. And then the speaker stood up and started talking about forgiveness. I started to think of a list of people I need to forgive, but God brought up a situation I wasn't even aware of the need for forgiveness. After my uncle died, contact between my family and my cousin's family stopped. God challenged me to forgive my cousin's mother. I didn't realise there was anything there, but there is. I had a deep belief everything that she did was against me, that I personally had done something to cause this split in the family. I hadn't, I haven't. I see that now. And slowly the forgiveness process is beginning. I need to stop mourning my uncle (it's been 8 years after all!) and begin to mourn the loss of relationship with my cousin. I went on a little adventure after this revelation and things feel better now. Forgiving my "aunt" will take a long time, she took away my best friend, but things have to change. I can't let my past define me (that's definitely for another post!) I have to trust God that this is the right time to deal with these things. I'm praying this will help me to lean on God more, to let Him be in control. It won't be easy, but I know it will be worth it in the end.
The first week was Holiday Club, titled Grand Designs. We studied the story of Joseph, which was really cool, and talked about how God has grand designs for our lives. It was so wonderful to watch the children grow in confidence, friendships and willingness to engage with God. And yet it was also such a learning curve for me. I'm good with children, but not particularly comfortable with them. I always worry that they'll hate me, that they'll ask questions and I won't know the answers, and that I'll be made a fool of in one way or another. The age group I fear this most with is 4-6 years old. The small group I was co-leading were all 4 and 5 year olds. Cue major panic and complete fear of being well out of my comfort zone! But after a week with amazing and supportive co-leaders, it's less scary. Still not comfortable, but better than before. I'm not going to run away from working with young children any more, well I hope not anyway!
The week just gone, I spent in a tent, surrounded by thousands of other Christians, at the New Wine conference. I've never been to something on such a large scale, and never dreamed I would go on my own! There were so many venues and so many seminar options that to start it was very overwhelming; what if I go to the wrong venue, what if I end up at a seminar that isn't for me, what if, what if, what if. I chose by topic, not by speaker or venue, and thoroughly enjoyed every single one I attended. Some challenged me, some made me think, some were life-giving, all have changed me in some way.
The majority of seminars I attended were around prayer. No, I wasn't looking for a magic formula to make sure I always pray when I should. No, I wasn't trying to find out how to make sure God hears every prayer, and answers every single one immediately. I don't really know what I was looking for, but I learnt so much. How to make prayer more appealing so I don't let life get in the way, make sure I grow in my relationship with God, am present for prayer and not letting my mind wander. Early on in the week, I uncovered the gift of tongues in myself. It's a seriously weird experience to start but feels natural after such a short time. I never dreamt that speaking in tongues was my thing, but there we go. God likes to surprise us.
Another surprise from God was sitting in a seminar about blessings, when I very clearly heard God say "I love you". My auto response was "why?" I need to stop questioning and just accept it.
The biggest surprise, however, was the day I went to a different venue. The worship wasn't my style at all, I wasn't keen on the whole atmosphere and was planning to walk out. And then the speaker stood up and started talking about forgiveness. I started to think of a list of people I need to forgive, but God brought up a situation I wasn't even aware of the need for forgiveness. After my uncle died, contact between my family and my cousin's family stopped. God challenged me to forgive my cousin's mother. I didn't realise there was anything there, but there is. I had a deep belief everything that she did was against me, that I personally had done something to cause this split in the family. I hadn't, I haven't. I see that now. And slowly the forgiveness process is beginning. I need to stop mourning my uncle (it's been 8 years after all!) and begin to mourn the loss of relationship with my cousin. I went on a little adventure after this revelation and things feel better now. Forgiving my "aunt" will take a long time, she took away my best friend, but things have to change. I can't let my past define me (that's definitely for another post!) I have to trust God that this is the right time to deal with these things. I'm praying this will help me to lean on God more, to let Him be in control. It won't be easy, but I know it will be worth it in the end.
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