One giant leap of faith

Anyone who has known me for a while, or has asked me to do something slightly out of the ordinary, will know that I play things safe. My childhood was spent going on school trips and battling anxiety attacks so that I never actually did anything too exciting. Example: I have been to Egypt twice. I have twice avoided the chance to ride a camel because it wasn't 100% safe. I've cried my way through flights, driving lessons, cable car rides, the thought of abseiling, boat trips; you name it, I've cried.

Top Tip: don't EVER put me on a rollercoaster.

If you have known me for longer than 6 months, the next thing I say might surprise you. I have a job as a Children and Families Worker. Yes, I just said that. For as long as I can remember I have said the words "I love children's work but I could never do it as a job". Once again, I have learnt if I say "never" God says "Let's do this!". FLIP.

It isn't as simple as me saying I applied for this job, attended an interview and got it, which is usually how one gets a job, and largely the visible process I went through. However that isn't the full story.

My current job ends in 2 weeks so I was happily job hunting for more events-based jobs. A colleague/friend then sent me a link to this job. I laughed because he knows exactly what I think of children's work- he dealt with all my protests about it for a whole year. I nearly sent him a very sharp and sarcastic response but something stopped me.

I applied for an events job alongside the children's worker role because bizarrely I had time to spare for a change! It was Bank Holiday weekend and I'd also been off sick from work for 2 days.

I got an interview for the very safe events job. The day before the interview, I got offered an interview for the children's worker role. I nearly cried because I never dreamt I had a chance at the job. That was hint 1 that I was not cut out for events for life.

I went to the first interview, and by the end of the conversation knew I would die of boredom if I ever got the job. I have never felt that about a job before, I'm always a person who is content with what comes my way. I also knew that if I got offered the job and took it, I would have settled for second best. That was hint 2 that I wasn't meant to do it.

The day after interview 1 I went for a walk in Port Meadow. I have no idea why, but God always speaks to me there without fail. I was walking a path I always walk and spotted another. He asked me why I didn't walk on the other path. Hint 3 was quite an obvious one.

3 days after the interview, and the day before interview 2, I got offered a second interview for the first job. I sent my friends a message asking what I should do, and all of them said "keep your options open". That didn't sit quite right even though so many people told me the same thing. I've always maintained that the thing I love most about commuting is the time and space to process. Driving to the interview, I knew so clearly what I had to do. God had been asking me for 48 hours "do you trust Me?" and I'd been seeking the answer from elsewhere rather than turning to Him. I had to reject the second interview for the first job. When I realised it, God said super clearly "if you trust I am good, you need to say no".

I went to the interview for the Children's worker role with such peace. It was 2 parts and time with the toddler group. I thought I spoke absolute nonsense. I stumbled over words, could barely articulate what experience I had or why I thought I'd be good for the role. I was up against two people they already knew. I was a complete outsider. I walked out of that interview and prayed. Sent a quick email to the other place declining their second interview and waited. Internally judging my performance, and admonishing myself for not having coffee before, I believed I'd thrown away two job opportunities in the space of one morning.

Obviously, I was wrong. For the first time in years I took a real risk. I leapt out of my comfort zone, not quite knowing whether the safety net would be there. God is good and God is faithful. Proverbs 3:5-6 is a perfect culmination of my last 2 weeks.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight. 

Words are powerful

I titled this post over a month ago and yet didn't really know where I was going to go with it. I considered all the negative words that have been spoken over me; words that still, on the worst days, float around my head taunting me and telling me that the people who spoke them were right. Nowadays, I can choose whether I listen or not, but back then they were the only things being spoken in to my life.

At the start of this past week, things I had hoped for work-wise fell through (2 jobs, 1 voluntary thing). In 48 hours I had everything that was making this awkward transition period easier taken away from me. Getting one rejection message is hard at any time. Getting 3 in 2 days is really really rubbish. And yet, that is exactly what happened.

I'd be lying if I said I am 100% ok after that. And I'd also be lying if I said I was impeccable company to have around on Wednesday. I was tired and grumpy and all-round miserable. However I am taking the news about a billion times better than I would have done 6 months ago.

Last weekend was my church's weekend away. I spent 90% of the time sobbing and convincing myself everyone hated me. But equally in the other 10% of the time (mainly in the car to and from the weekend, but not exclusively) I had some really important conversations with people who actually mean quite a lot to me. 

One of those people I was talking to about having jobs lined up and that all would be ok. They shot back a comment about "needing to find me something more permanent". It startled me but got me thinking.

With another I was discussing what I really wanted in a job (very little actually matched with what I had planned) and where I thought my future was leading. 

The final one we just talked about lots of things in the past and future but as we talked I was making decisions in my mind. 

Mainly though the whole weekend God was speaking. He gave me a picture at one point, of a dark house with 2 lights still on. Then the lights switched off and He said "you're done here now". And as I started to type this blog, I realised that partly relates to the 2 job things. They were in one line of work that I love but don't want to do forever. It's about other stuff too, but it makes sense. 

I'd also already prayed about the two jobs and come to the conclusion they weren't the right thing. The jobs falling through wasn't a surprise in any way by the time the messages came through. It was hard but God had been telling me there's something better. Sometimes God speaks to me directly, sometimes He uses other people. Either way, this weekend I gave Him space to speak. 

I could really easily let the voices from years ago that tell me I'm not good enough speak louder. I could let them convince me that I'm worthless and will never be a truly functioning member of society. Or I could let the affirming voices of those who surround me now telling me they want me to have stability and that there so much more to life that I need to experience. 

I know who I'm choosing to listen to. Negative words might be powerful, but positive words are life giving and I'm choosing to cling tightly to those because I fully trust that God has amazing things in store for me.