Anyone who has known me for a while, or has asked me to do something slightly out of the ordinary, will know that I play things safe. My childhood was spent going on school trips and battling anxiety attacks so that I never actually did anything too exciting. Example: I have been to Egypt twice. I have twice avoided the chance to ride a camel because it wasn't 100% safe. I've cried my way through flights, driving lessons, cable car rides, the thought of abseiling, boat trips; you name it, I've cried.
Top Tip: don't EVER put me on a rollercoaster.
If you have known me for longer than 6 months, the next thing I say might surprise you. I have a job as a Children and Families Worker. Yes, I just said that. For as long as I can remember I have said the words "I love children's work but I could never do it as a job". Once again, I have learnt if I say "never" God says "Let's do this!". FLIP.
It isn't as simple as me saying I applied for this job, attended an interview and got it, which is usually how one gets a job, and largely the visible process I went through. However that isn't the full story.
My current job ends in 2 weeks so I was happily job hunting for more events-based jobs. A colleague/friend then sent me a link to this job. I laughed because he knows exactly what I think of children's work- he dealt with all my protests about it for a whole year. I nearly sent him a very sharp and sarcastic response but something stopped me.
I applied for an events job alongside the children's worker role because bizarrely I had time to spare for a change! It was Bank Holiday weekend and I'd also been off sick from work for 2 days.
I got an interview for the very safe events job. The day before the interview, I got offered an interview for the children's worker role. I nearly cried because I never dreamt I had a chance at the job. That was hint 1 that I was not cut out for events for life.
I went to the first interview, and by the end of the conversation knew I would die of boredom if I ever got the job. I have never felt that about a job before, I'm always a person who is content with what comes my way. I also knew that if I got offered the job and took it, I would have settled for second best. That was hint 2 that I wasn't meant to do it.
The day after interview 1 I went for a walk in Port Meadow. I have no idea why, but God always speaks to me there without fail. I was walking a path I always walk and spotted another. He asked me why I didn't walk on the other path. Hint 3 was quite an obvious one.
3 days after the interview, and the day before interview 2, I got offered a second interview for the first job. I sent my friends a message asking what I should do, and all of them said "keep your options open". That didn't sit quite right even though so many people told me the same thing. I've always maintained that the thing I love most about commuting is the time and space to process. Driving to the interview, I knew so clearly what I had to do. God had been asking me for 48 hours "do you trust Me?" and I'd been seeking the answer from elsewhere rather than turning to Him. I had to reject the second interview for the first job. When I realised it, God said super clearly "if you trust I am good, you need to say no".
I went to the interview for the Children's worker role with such peace. It was 2 parts and time with the toddler group. I thought I spoke absolute nonsense. I stumbled over words, could barely articulate what experience I had or why I thought I'd be good for the role. I was up against two people they already knew. I was a complete outsider. I walked out of that interview and prayed. Sent a quick email to the other place declining their second interview and waited. Internally judging my performance, and admonishing myself for not having coffee before, I believed I'd thrown away two job opportunities in the space of one morning.
Obviously, I was wrong. For the first time in years I took a real risk. I leapt out of my comfort zone, not quite knowing whether the safety net would be there. God is good and God is faithful. Proverbs 3:5-6 is a perfect culmination of my last 2 weeks.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Monday, 11 September 2017
Saturday, 8 October 2016
What I Wish You Knew About My Mental Illness...
Monday 10th October is World Mental Health Day. Time to Change's Story Camp inspired me and so this blog post is happening. I've not so bluntly spoken about my mental health in a long time and this feels weird but hopefully I can do this.
I currently have 2 diagnoses. Depression and Atypical Anorexia. This week I surprised my boss by asking to take my time in lieu in one go instead of taking a week off sick; she had very little idea. There are so many misconceptions about mental illness. I want to tackle a couple related to depression that I've experienced- and they're all lies that my head likes to tell me regularly.
1) A relapse of depression means something has happened in my life.
Believe it or not, everything in my life is pretty darn good currently. Work is amazing, I love where I'm living, I have fabulous friends, I'm taking my medication every single day. Depression doesn't always have a cause, sometimes medication stops working, sometimes nothing big triggers it. It isn't a delayed reaction to something that happened weeks/months ago. I'm not faking it nor am I doing anything wrong. Sometimes it happens without any cause.
2) I can't be depressed because I have good days.
Up until Tuesday, I went in to work every single day and plastered a smile on my face. I did everything I was meant to, in the time frame I needed to and chatted to colleagues in spare moments. I used every ounce of energy that I had to do that. 4 hours out of 24 hours every day. 20 hours of letting my head win so I have the energy for 4 hours of fighting. In the past 3 days, leaving the house has been near impossible, and that's after getting dressed. Just because I don't show you outwardly what's going on in my head, doesn't mean I'm fine.
3) My friends are used to my depression and know exactly how to help so no-one else needs to get involved.
Honestly, from one episode to the next, I cannot tell you what has consistently helped. Sometimes being with my friends is the best thing, sometimes sleeping for 18 hours a day is better. Sometimes continuing life as normal is helpful, sometimes it just masks what is really going on. If I knew what helped, I could tell my friends or even potentially help myself. If you have a new idea, say. I'm relatively ok with people suggesting things (except "have you tried meditating/medication/thinking more positively).
4) Don't get close to me because I am a burden.
I really struggle with this one. I believe that I am an utter drain on my friends because I'm attention seeking and needy and always interrupting their lives. I know this isn't true. My friends are really good at telling me when it's too much but they're also amazing at dropping everything and making sure I'm ok. They also respect my space if I go silent on them for a couple of days. You do not need to avoid me, I maintain balanced friendships and your bad week will not send me spiralling- my depression also isn't contagious.
5) You can't be a real Christian/God can't be real because you're not healed.
This is the one I have the biggest fight with. I know God is real. I chose to follow Jesus 2.5 years ago and I don't regret this at all. Life following Jesus isn't easy, even when I am well there are challenges but that's ok. One really clear thing throughout this entire time is that God will use my story in a powerful way. I used to ask for healing frequently and He would tell me "no", that answer has changed over the past year to "not yet". And this is the hope that keeps me clinging on for better days- I just have to be patient. Please don't judge me for my faith nor God for not healing me instantly. Respect my beliefs. I have hope for the future and that's what keeps me alive. One day it will be better,
I know there are so many more but these are the five biggest misconceptions I experience regularly. If there are other massive stigma that you've experienced and think I've missed, feel free to comment. Slowly we'll break through stigma and people will understand more.
I currently have 2 diagnoses. Depression and Atypical Anorexia. This week I surprised my boss by asking to take my time in lieu in one go instead of taking a week off sick; she had very little idea. There are so many misconceptions about mental illness. I want to tackle a couple related to depression that I've experienced- and they're all lies that my head likes to tell me regularly.
1) A relapse of depression means something has happened in my life.
Believe it or not, everything in my life is pretty darn good currently. Work is amazing, I love where I'm living, I have fabulous friends, I'm taking my medication every single day. Depression doesn't always have a cause, sometimes medication stops working, sometimes nothing big triggers it. It isn't a delayed reaction to something that happened weeks/months ago. I'm not faking it nor am I doing anything wrong. Sometimes it happens without any cause.
2) I can't be depressed because I have good days.
Up until Tuesday, I went in to work every single day and plastered a smile on my face. I did everything I was meant to, in the time frame I needed to and chatted to colleagues in spare moments. I used every ounce of energy that I had to do that. 4 hours out of 24 hours every day. 20 hours of letting my head win so I have the energy for 4 hours of fighting. In the past 3 days, leaving the house has been near impossible, and that's after getting dressed. Just because I don't show you outwardly what's going on in my head, doesn't mean I'm fine.
3) My friends are used to my depression and know exactly how to help so no-one else needs to get involved.
Honestly, from one episode to the next, I cannot tell you what has consistently helped. Sometimes being with my friends is the best thing, sometimes sleeping for 18 hours a day is better. Sometimes continuing life as normal is helpful, sometimes it just masks what is really going on. If I knew what helped, I could tell my friends or even potentially help myself. If you have a new idea, say. I'm relatively ok with people suggesting things (except "have you tried meditating/medication/thinking more positively).
4) Don't get close to me because I am a burden.
I really struggle with this one. I believe that I am an utter drain on my friends because I'm attention seeking and needy and always interrupting their lives. I know this isn't true. My friends are really good at telling me when it's too much but they're also amazing at dropping everything and making sure I'm ok. They also respect my space if I go silent on them for a couple of days. You do not need to avoid me, I maintain balanced friendships and your bad week will not send me spiralling- my depression also isn't contagious.
5) You can't be a real Christian/God can't be real because you're not healed.
This is the one I have the biggest fight with. I know God is real. I chose to follow Jesus 2.5 years ago and I don't regret this at all. Life following Jesus isn't easy, even when I am well there are challenges but that's ok. One really clear thing throughout this entire time is that God will use my story in a powerful way. I used to ask for healing frequently and He would tell me "no", that answer has changed over the past year to "not yet". And this is the hope that keeps me clinging on for better days- I just have to be patient. Please don't judge me for my faith nor God for not healing me instantly. Respect my beliefs. I have hope for the future and that's what keeps me alive. One day it will be better,
I know there are so many more but these are the five biggest misconceptions I experience regularly. If there are other massive stigma that you've experienced and think I've missed, feel free to comment. Slowly we'll break through stigma and people will understand more.
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