I've said it before but a lot can change in just 365 days.
On Monday, I will be 1 whole year overdose free, I woke up one Sunday morning last year, wishing I hadn't but also relieved. I had no idea, going to bed the night before, if my body would survive the third overdose in 4 days. Part of me hoped it wouldn't. It was easier to let the darkness win.
On that Sunday evening my friend dragged me up for prayer. I'd just returned from looking after my grandad for a month. Work was horrific. My friends didn't understand. I felt like even God had given up on me. Asking for prayer was a last ditch attempt. I felt nothing. The entire time the vicar was praying for me, I was planning how many tablets I'd need to buy to make this last attempt the final one. All I needed to do was get through the 45 minute drive home and then I could say goodbye to the world. I remember when I moved 45 minutes away, people freaked out and said I shouldn't be that far away and living alone. Little did they know that 45 minute drive would save my life.
At some point, driving along a dark road, I told myself I could have 24 more hours and if I still felt that awful, I could end it. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold myself accountable though, so emailed my pastorate leader when I got home. In typing that email I promised her I'd not overdose until 2nd January. I have no idea where that date came from, or how I managed to even hit "send". One moment of courage and I'm still overwhelmed at the thought it ever happened. I read the email frequently in disbelief.
On 2nd January, I wanted to reward myself with an overdose for not overdosing to that point. Instead I text a friend promising her until 10th July. I got to my 25th birthday. A day I never dreamt of seeing. 4 months later, here I am. I didn't need to make any more promises to get to this point. Every day is still a battle. My thoughts tempt me every so often to buy more tablets "just in case". I still get scared taking paracetamol for a headache in case I can't stop. But from Monday I'll be a year overdose free. A year without an attempt to take my life. Considering this past year; all the instability, the changes, the admissions about my past, friendships changing, it is unbelievable that I have made it through. In just one year, so much has changed. I still struggle to see a future after July 2016 but I know I'll make it there. I may not have had a conventional journey to recovery this past year, but I'm getting there.
Every day involves me fighting, it is going to take a long time, but I know God has given me the strength to choose to fight every single day. I have to choose to be courageous every single day.
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts"- Winston Churchill
