Anyone who has known me for a while, or has asked me to do something slightly out of the ordinary, will know that I play things safe. My childhood was spent going on school trips and battling anxiety attacks so that I never actually did anything too exciting. Example: I have been to Egypt twice. I have twice avoided the chance to ride a camel because it wasn't 100% safe. I've cried my way through flights, driving lessons, cable car rides, the thought of abseiling, boat trips; you name it, I've cried.
Top Tip: don't EVER put me on a rollercoaster.
If you have known me for longer than 6 months, the next thing I say might surprise you. I have a job as a Children and Families Worker. Yes, I just said that. For as long as I can remember I have said the words "I love children's work but I could never do it as a job". Once again, I have learnt if I say "never" God says "Let's do this!". FLIP.
It isn't as simple as me saying I applied for this job, attended an interview and got it, which is usually how one gets a job, and largely the visible process I went through. However that isn't the full story.
My current job ends in 2 weeks so I was happily job hunting for more events-based jobs. A colleague/friend then sent me a link to this job. I laughed because he knows exactly what I think of children's work- he dealt with all my protests about it for a whole year. I nearly sent him a very sharp and sarcastic response but something stopped me.
I applied for an events job alongside the children's worker role because bizarrely I had time to spare for a change! It was Bank Holiday weekend and I'd also been off sick from work for 2 days.
I got an interview for the very safe events job. The day before the interview, I got offered an interview for the children's worker role. I nearly cried because I never dreamt I had a chance at the job. That was hint 1 that I was not cut out for events for life.
I went to the first interview, and by the end of the conversation knew I would die of boredom if I ever got the job. I have never felt that about a job before, I'm always a person who is content with what comes my way. I also knew that if I got offered the job and took it, I would have settled for second best. That was hint 2 that I wasn't meant to do it.
The day after interview 1 I went for a walk in Port Meadow. I have no idea why, but God always speaks to me there without fail. I was walking a path I always walk and spotted another. He asked me why I didn't walk on the other path. Hint 3 was quite an obvious one.
3 days after the interview, and the day before interview 2, I got offered a second interview for the first job. I sent my friends a message asking what I should do, and all of them said "keep your options open". That didn't sit quite right even though so many people told me the same thing. I've always maintained that the thing I love most about commuting is the time and space to process. Driving to the interview, I knew so clearly what I had to do. God had been asking me for 48 hours "do you trust Me?" and I'd been seeking the answer from elsewhere rather than turning to Him. I had to reject the second interview for the first job. When I realised it, God said super clearly "if you trust I am good, you need to say no".
I went to the interview for the Children's worker role with such peace. It was 2 parts and time with the toddler group. I thought I spoke absolute nonsense. I stumbled over words, could barely articulate what experience I had or why I thought I'd be good for the role. I was up against two people they already knew. I was a complete outsider. I walked out of that interview and prayed. Sent a quick email to the other place declining their second interview and waited. Internally judging my performance, and admonishing myself for not having coffee before, I believed I'd thrown away two job opportunities in the space of one morning.
Obviously, I was wrong. For the first time in years I took a real risk. I leapt out of my comfort zone, not quite knowing whether the safety net would be there. God is good and God is faithful. Proverbs 3:5-6 is a perfect culmination of my last 2 weeks.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight.
Showing posts with label thriving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thriving. Show all posts
Monday, 11 September 2017
Thursday, 31 December 2015
One Word 365 (2016)
So I mentioned a couple of days ago that I'd been challenged to come up with one word for 2016 that will become the theme of my year. There were a couple of words that floated around and felt kind of right, but there was one definite, completely right, no arguments about it, word for 2016.
The first word that originally came to mind was "restore". Joel 2:25 says
"I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten..." I'd be lying if I said I have gotten exactly what I dreamed of when I was a child over the last 15 years of my life. I never imagined any of the things I've been through. Heck, I wanted to be married by age 23 and I was going to be a nurse, like a really successful one or a genetics counsellor. I was going to live abroad. That obviously hasn't happened. I lost so many years to the locusts in my life (mainly mental illness, but there's a couple of other things in there too) and I believe in this Scripture. God will restore those years and it feels like this coming year things will start to shift in to place; but it isn't the main focus. So that was that. "Restore" is not the word.
There were a couple of others "trust", "healing", "bold" but as "restore" they didn't quite fit exactly right.
The word that stuck, time and again, that has been floating around in the past couple of months but I haven't grasped for myself yet is "brave". In our first week we had to think of a word to describe ourselves that began with the same letter as our name. Brave kept coming back. I wrote about it a little here. I look back on my life and so many people tell me I'm brave, I've fought so much and I'm still fighting, still standing and yet it isn't a word I would use to ever describe myself. I don't put myself out there, I prefer to hide in a corner and sulk than speak up for what I believe in for fear of it coming across wrong. 2016 feels like the year I need to claim that for myself. I am brave. I can type it, but can I truly say it out loud and believe it? And then the following on from that- can I be brave for God? Can I step out of my comfort zone, and do a new thing? Do something I am passionate about, that might seem a little out there to some. I have no idea what that might be but unless I am brave, take chances, embrace opportunities how will I find out? Now that this past year I have spent learning that I am safe in God, I needn't be afraid to take risks.
Shamefully I've never read the Chronicles of Narnia, despite owning them for many, many years. And today, as I was reading Prince Caspian, this interaction between Aslan and Susan hit me (So much so I underlined it! I never underline in books).
"You have listened to your fears, child," said Aslan. "Come, let me breathe on you. Are you brave again?" And it resonated. Am I brave again? Right now, I don't feel it. I'm letting the hate of New Year win, but at the end of the year, will I be able to answer this question differently? I long to be able to hand my worries and fears over to God and that be it; not cling to a teeny bit that holds me back. I can only do that by being brave. I trust Him. I know he is safe. So this year I will not only aim to be brave for God but be brave in my relationship with God. It is only to let things go. At least once a week someone retweets "let go and let God". That's part of my being brave. He will be with
And then in standard New Year fashion...I alluded the other day to the fact I have succumbed to the necessary resolutions for the new year. For me they aren't about self improvement, they're about embracing the life God has given me- spending more time with friends, rediscovering who I really am, and most importantly getting closer to God.
*I'm only going to use Facebook on the work computer (this may sound ridiculous but I need to use FB for my job. If I didn't, I'd delete it completely and be done with it. I don't need to spend hours scrolling staring at baby photos and engagement announcements which leave me longing for a "better life" when I have so many people around me that I need to invest in)
*I will aim to not use my phone between the hours of 6pm and 7am (Once again I must invest in other people)
*I am going to read 12 new books (they can be any genre, and I can read them all over the summer if that's how it works out. I love reading, and I read many more than 12 books in a year, but they're all comfortable old favourites. I need to break that habit)
*I will go for at least 2x30 minute walks each week (it will give me time alone with God, time to calm my thoughts, and give me a little bit of physical exercise. It can also be taken in 4x15 minute walks)
*I will continue to make sure I leave the town in which I'm living at least once every 6 weeks (Ideally I'd leave the county but time/money hasn't allowed for that. I just need time away to help me appreciate what I have)
*I will continue to designate one day a week in which I'm allowed to say no to people's plans and do what I want (It preserves my sanity more than people realise)
*I will continue to have daily quiet time (even on the worst days if I write nothing more than the verses I have read, I will not break this habit)
*I will be brave and take risks (God is right there with me. I need to step out in faith or I'll get nowhere)
But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43: 1-2
The first word that originally came to mind was "restore". Joel 2:25 says
"I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten..." I'd be lying if I said I have gotten exactly what I dreamed of when I was a child over the last 15 years of my life. I never imagined any of the things I've been through. Heck, I wanted to be married by age 23 and I was going to be a nurse, like a really successful one or a genetics counsellor. I was going to live abroad. That obviously hasn't happened. I lost so many years to the locusts in my life (mainly mental illness, but there's a couple of other things in there too) and I believe in this Scripture. God will restore those years and it feels like this coming year things will start to shift in to place; but it isn't the main focus. So that was that. "Restore" is not the word.
There were a couple of others "trust", "healing", "bold" but as "restore" they didn't quite fit exactly right.
The word that stuck, time and again, that has been floating around in the past couple of months but I haven't grasped for myself yet is "brave". In our first week we had to think of a word to describe ourselves that began with the same letter as our name. Brave kept coming back. I wrote about it a little here. I look back on my life and so many people tell me I'm brave, I've fought so much and I'm still fighting, still standing and yet it isn't a word I would use to ever describe myself. I don't put myself out there, I prefer to hide in a corner and sulk than speak up for what I believe in for fear of it coming across wrong. 2016 feels like the year I need to claim that for myself. I am brave. I can type it, but can I truly say it out loud and believe it? And then the following on from that- can I be brave for God? Can I step out of my comfort zone, and do a new thing? Do something I am passionate about, that might seem a little out there to some. I have no idea what that might be but unless I am brave, take chances, embrace opportunities how will I find out? Now that this past year I have spent learning that I am safe in God, I needn't be afraid to take risks.
Shamefully I've never read the Chronicles of Narnia, despite owning them for many, many years. And today, as I was reading Prince Caspian, this interaction between Aslan and Susan hit me (So much so I underlined it! I never underline in books).
"You have listened to your fears, child," said Aslan. "Come, let me breathe on you. Are you brave again?" And it resonated. Am I brave again? Right now, I don't feel it. I'm letting the hate of New Year win, but at the end of the year, will I be able to answer this question differently? I long to be able to hand my worries and fears over to God and that be it; not cling to a teeny bit that holds me back. I can only do that by being brave. I trust Him. I know he is safe. So this year I will not only aim to be brave for God but be brave in my relationship with God. It is only to let things go. At least once a week someone retweets "let go and let God". That's part of my being brave. He will be with
And then in standard New Year fashion...I alluded the other day to the fact I have succumbed to the necessary resolutions for the new year. For me they aren't about self improvement, they're about embracing the life God has given me- spending more time with friends, rediscovering who I really am, and most importantly getting closer to God.
*I'm only going to use Facebook on the work computer (this may sound ridiculous but I need to use FB for my job. If I didn't, I'd delete it completely and be done with it. I don't need to spend hours scrolling staring at baby photos and engagement announcements which leave me longing for a "better life" when I have so many people around me that I need to invest in)
*I will aim to not use my phone between the hours of 6pm and 7am (Once again I must invest in other people)
*I am going to read 12 new books (they can be any genre, and I can read them all over the summer if that's how it works out. I love reading, and I read many more than 12 books in a year, but they're all comfortable old favourites. I need to break that habit)
*I will go for at least 2x30 minute walks each week (it will give me time alone with God, time to calm my thoughts, and give me a little bit of physical exercise. It can also be taken in 4x15 minute walks)
*I will continue to make sure I leave the town in which I'm living at least once every 6 weeks (Ideally I'd leave the county but time/money hasn't allowed for that. I just need time away to help me appreciate what I have)
*I will continue to designate one day a week in which I'm allowed to say no to people's plans and do what I want (It preserves my sanity more than people realise)
*I will continue to have daily quiet time (even on the worst days if I write nothing more than the verses I have read, I will not break this habit)
*I will be brave and take risks (God is right there with me. I need to step out in faith or I'll get nowhere)
But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43: 1-2
Thursday, 8 October 2015
It's not all rainbows
A friend of mine wrote a new blog post today and so I hopped on over to her blog to read it. And then her post from a year ago caught my eye. She wrote about how she thought things would be easier now she lived with other Christians and worked for a church, but it was still difficult. It hit home. I've hit exactly the same wall, and I've been kind of avoiding blogging because I don't want to sound horrible and negative.
Genuinely, I love this place; I love the people I live with; I love the work I'm doing; I love my boss; I love that I have a room mate. That doesn't mean everything is rosy.
I think one of the hardest things for me recently has been living in community. We do everything together; live, work, eat, pray, socialise. I am not used to that. Over the last 3 weeks I have had a crash course in living with people. Over the last 8 months I have taught myself to cope with mental illness. I have not yet taught myself to cope with mental illness while living in community. It's flipping hard. I want to shut down and hide in bed until my brain resets. I want someone to hug me 24/7. I have not yet managed to find the balance; letting people in without worrying them. It is hard.
I had a bit of a bad experience my first week. A fellow intern didn't believe something I disclosed to her. Since then it has been increasingly hard thing to open up, because what if no-one else believes me? The other night, while on Alpha training, we had to do a role play. My character was one with a negative attitude. Someone else in my group commented after that it's really hard to deal with me when I'm being negative and that I'm a heavy presence. They were commenting on the character, alas it went straight in to my head "See, you're heavy. Lose some weight. People might take you seriously then. No-one likes a miserable cow."
I had a 1:1 meeting with an incredibly trusted person yesterday. She was present for the Alpha training and mentioned that she was frantically praying when my "negative attitude" was being commented on that I didn't take it to heart. At least I could be honest with her about it all! I had one of those moments while speaking to her when I say things I didn't even realise I was thinking, I'm not going to lie, my head is a lot darker than I care to say out loud, but she gets me and doesn't shy away when I tell her the truth. We talked, I cried, we laughed, she prayed. I felt better.
I know one meeting doesn't fix everything but admitting it is the first step. I'm exhausted and I find it so much harder to fight when I'm tired. I'm constantly busy and I've been neglecting the life-affirming friends who mean so much to me. I'm giving myself constantly but not taking time for myself. This has to change. I cannot survive like this.
In our first week our School of Ministry pastor gave us a bit of a catch phrase, that he'd been given while praying; "not just surviving; thriving" and right now I'm bouncing in the ocean. I'm not sinking, but I'm definitely not swimming. It's not a life, it's an existence. I have such an opportunity this year and I cannot throw it away because I let mental illness win for the 100th time. I need to embrace every moment of time with people, but also make time for myself. Sometimes that time for myself can be with my dearest friends, sometimes it can just be taking an extra long shower. I need to focus on our teaching sessions. It's such a gift to be getting such amazing theology teaching and I don't want to miss out. Most of all I need to grow closer to God in so many ways. I need to be more disciplined. Sit and have quiet times with God, read my Bible every day, take time to listen to what He wants to say to me.
Yesterday a friend told me "sometime we have to have bad days in order to see the progress we have made". I couldn't see it as she said it, but the more we talked the more I saw just how far I've come in 11 months. And I've got 11 more months to go even further. Challenge accepted.
Genuinely, I love this place; I love the people I live with; I love the work I'm doing; I love my boss; I love that I have a room mate. That doesn't mean everything is rosy.
I think one of the hardest things for me recently has been living in community. We do everything together; live, work, eat, pray, socialise. I am not used to that. Over the last 3 weeks I have had a crash course in living with people. Over the last 8 months I have taught myself to cope with mental illness. I have not yet taught myself to cope with mental illness while living in community. It's flipping hard. I want to shut down and hide in bed until my brain resets. I want someone to hug me 24/7. I have not yet managed to find the balance; letting people in without worrying them. It is hard.
I had a bit of a bad experience my first week. A fellow intern didn't believe something I disclosed to her. Since then it has been increasingly hard thing to open up, because what if no-one else believes me? The other night, while on Alpha training, we had to do a role play. My character was one with a negative attitude. Someone else in my group commented after that it's really hard to deal with me when I'm being negative and that I'm a heavy presence. They were commenting on the character, alas it went straight in to my head "See, you're heavy. Lose some weight. People might take you seriously then. No-one likes a miserable cow."
I had a 1:1 meeting with an incredibly trusted person yesterday. She was present for the Alpha training and mentioned that she was frantically praying when my "negative attitude" was being commented on that I didn't take it to heart. At least I could be honest with her about it all! I had one of those moments while speaking to her when I say things I didn't even realise I was thinking, I'm not going to lie, my head is a lot darker than I care to say out loud, but she gets me and doesn't shy away when I tell her the truth. We talked, I cried, we laughed, she prayed. I felt better.
I know one meeting doesn't fix everything but admitting it is the first step. I'm exhausted and I find it so much harder to fight when I'm tired. I'm constantly busy and I've been neglecting the life-affirming friends who mean so much to me. I'm giving myself constantly but not taking time for myself. This has to change. I cannot survive like this.
In our first week our School of Ministry pastor gave us a bit of a catch phrase, that he'd been given while praying; "not just surviving; thriving" and right now I'm bouncing in the ocean. I'm not sinking, but I'm definitely not swimming. It's not a life, it's an existence. I have such an opportunity this year and I cannot throw it away because I let mental illness win for the 100th time. I need to embrace every moment of time with people, but also make time for myself. Sometimes that time for myself can be with my dearest friends, sometimes it can just be taking an extra long shower. I need to focus on our teaching sessions. It's such a gift to be getting such amazing theology teaching and I don't want to miss out. Most of all I need to grow closer to God in so many ways. I need to be more disciplined. Sit and have quiet times with God, read my Bible every day, take time to listen to what He wants to say to me.
Yesterday a friend told me "sometime we have to have bad days in order to see the progress we have made". I couldn't see it as she said it, but the more we talked the more I saw just how far I've come in 11 months. And I've got 11 more months to go even further. Challenge accepted.
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