The first week of 2016 is complete. I survived. If my word for the year wasn't brave I'm not entirely convinced I'd still be standing right now. Every evening has involved repeating "I need to be brave enough just for tonight. We'll deal with tomorrow when it comes" So how have the resolutions been going?
First up the resolutions. Well I sit here at 20.30 with my phone on beside me. Turning it off at 6pm? Well it's happened some nights but also my mental health is a bit fragile at the moment. I need that external support that being able to contact my friends at different hours bring me right now. That doesn't mean I'm not still aiming for no phone after 6pm; circumstances right now require it to be different and actually I need to be kind to myself, not force myself to do this alone. I am, however, already more aware at how much more I need to invest myself in being present for others. Same with Facebook. I waste a lot less time on social media already and actually I'm more efficient to the point I'm left wondering "how did this ever take me so long?"!
I've managed my two walks this week, I've kept up daily quiet time and I'm being brave. Which brings me on to how my one word has been going. It hasn't been easy. Every single day I've had some sort of struggle; I'm so up and down at the moment but every night I'm making a conscious decision to be brave; to not give in to my head and see what happens tomorrow. I've had my first proper counselling session in several years, I've come back for the second term of internship (not an easy decision) and I've managed to start the term forgiving someone I wasn't sure I could. This week I've had to decide that I need to not look for jobs yet- it's not the time and it's stressing me out endlessly. The time will come and until then I have to keep giving it back to God.
I've had so many compliments and encouragements this week about things I've done and it feels good. The bad times are bad, but there's always something positive floating around that makes it easier. The days ahead scare me so bad, but I can smile. I am brave enough and I will win this battle. One day at a time.
She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come
Proverbs 31:25
Showing posts with label first week. Show all posts
Showing posts with label first week. Show all posts
Friday, 8 January 2016
Sunday, 20 September 2015
Settling In
A week goes incredibly fast when you're busy. It has been 7 days since I moved from the comfort of my own room, in a small place, with one other person and a tortoise for company to a shared room, in a 4 storey house, with 10 other people. I predicted this would be horribly overwhelming and I wouldn't be able to cope and I'd have a meltdown and be desperate to leave and go back to my own safe space. Apparently it's been quite different.
We started with a church event; God's Empowering Presence Day. It was long, and intense. There was lots of worship and seeking the Lord and some of it felt so irrelevant to me. However I started to realise (though it took me a few more days to articulate) that the world was starting to become brighter. The colours more intense. The people less intimidating. Now, don't get me wrong, I still find crowds and unknown people and being out alone at night particularly anxiety provoking, but things seem a bit more real. I've been floating through the world for so long and finally I'm beginning to find my place.
The earlier part of this week was spent meeting people. So many people. I'm so thankful that I know them all because if I had to learn names and offices and job roles and remember what they do for interns then my brain would have exploded. Alongside that, our pastor didn't give us a timetable until late on Monday afternoon. For a girl who likes routine and knowing what is happening, this was incredibly unsettling. But I coped, so much better than I could have expected, because everyone was in the same situation.
Wednesday afternoon was the thing I had been so desperately waiting for. Department time! The wonderful children's pastor took us out for coffee, outlined our job descriptions and talked a little bit more about our responsibilities. I'm going to be leading the weekday 0-5s group. Terrifying but exciting!
And then came our time off. So glorious. I saw 4 of the Oxford colleges with some of the girls, had coffee and cake with friends, cooked for everyone, and went to a house warming party. And it was all so wonderful. So many people commenting just how happy I seem at the moment. There's stuff going on under the surface; today I had a bit of an anxiety meltdown. But it's still so wonderful. And then my best friend today said how happy I looked in my photo and that it's so rare that my genuine smile is captured.
I'm so thankful. Things feel so right, even when it seems difficult. I have to appreciate every good day, because I can never guarantee the next.
This year won't be easy, but it will be worth it. I'm so excited to see how things change!
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight"
-Proverbs 3:5-6
We started with a church event; God's Empowering Presence Day. It was long, and intense. There was lots of worship and seeking the Lord and some of it felt so irrelevant to me. However I started to realise (though it took me a few more days to articulate) that the world was starting to become brighter. The colours more intense. The people less intimidating. Now, don't get me wrong, I still find crowds and unknown people and being out alone at night particularly anxiety provoking, but things seem a bit more real. I've been floating through the world for so long and finally I'm beginning to find my place.
The earlier part of this week was spent meeting people. So many people. I'm so thankful that I know them all because if I had to learn names and offices and job roles and remember what they do for interns then my brain would have exploded. Alongside that, our pastor didn't give us a timetable until late on Monday afternoon. For a girl who likes routine and knowing what is happening, this was incredibly unsettling. But I coped, so much better than I could have expected, because everyone was in the same situation.
Wednesday afternoon was the thing I had been so desperately waiting for. Department time! The wonderful children's pastor took us out for coffee, outlined our job descriptions and talked a little bit more about our responsibilities. I'm going to be leading the weekday 0-5s group. Terrifying but exciting!
And then came our time off. So glorious. I saw 4 of the Oxford colleges with some of the girls, had coffee and cake with friends, cooked for everyone, and went to a house warming party. And it was all so wonderful. So many people commenting just how happy I seem at the moment. There's stuff going on under the surface; today I had a bit of an anxiety meltdown. But it's still so wonderful. And then my best friend today said how happy I looked in my photo and that it's so rare that my genuine smile is captured.
I'm so thankful. Things feel so right, even when it seems difficult. I have to appreciate every good day, because I can never guarantee the next.
This year won't be easy, but it will be worth it. I'm so excited to see how things change!
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight"
-Proverbs 3:5-6
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