I want to apologise for the silence. I'm poorly at the moment. Which is hard because life in general is going so unbelievably well. I'm having moments of such joy, things are just wonderful but my head says no. I cannot tell you about how much I love work, or the amazing training day I went on, or the fab way I experienced God this weekend, or the new exciting peer support group I'm going to be part of or how I encouraged someone massively today. I want to tell you about them, but the memories are so tinged with darkness that right now I don't think I'd do these things justice. Later in the week I hope to finish a post I've been writing for almost 2 months, Maybe I'll write another "day in the life of..." but right now? I am empty. Words are not coming easily. Nothing is easy. I'm battling such darkness, and at times like these, I wish the darkness would hurry up and win.
I'm sorry, but I guess this is the life of a mental health blogger?!
Showing posts with label relapse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relapse. Show all posts
Monday, 19 September 2016
Sunday, 20 March 2016
Quiet Voice, Loud Mind
I realise I've been quiet recently and not just on this blog. I use Facebook a lot less, I tweet not as often and I don't often have fun things to post on Instagram. While typing this I realised I've become quieter in life too. I'm busier, sure, but I'm withdrawing more and spending more time alone. While, in some capacity, this is good because it's so hard to get time alone when you live with so many others, it also isn't good for me.
I guess what I really need to say is things aren't great in my life right now. The struggles of being poorly over Christmas haven't really gone away and now I'm struggling intensely in every aspect of life. Getting out of bed some days is a challenge, let alone the act of getting out of pjs and in to clothes. I'm not feeding myself appropriately nor am I behaving sensibly around food when I am eating. I'm getting angry at little things. I've had moments of trying to find relief in self harm. I cry a lot more than I don't. I'm losing weight and people are noticing. I have a constant weight on my shoulders. I'm back in therapy that I can't really afford. I'm not communicating with friends as I should. The thought of the future has left me wanting to die.
And yet, here I am. In the last 10 days I have co-ordinated catering at 2 events, facilitated prayer spaces for an all-age service, led endless children's activities and prayer meetings, babysat and many other things. I am still breathing. I haven't hurt myself this week. I've reached out to people in a way I haven't in a very long time. I'm in a total daze and physically exhausted but I'm alive and that is what is important. I've given out so so much this weekend for this morning, and the second the service started I knew everything we'd done was right. I was filled afresh and totally blessed by everything that happened.
It's not been easy these past couple of weeks. I went to an amazing children's leaders conference and then had a brilliant 4 day holiday to Budapest. I didn't take care of myself in any of that time and that's what has left me in this muddle now. I've pushed my body to its limits. Mentally I'd love to go to sleep and never wake up. However I've never felt so loved and valued by people around me.
This week I had a really raw, honest, vulnerable conversation with a pastor in a coffee shop. Someone I never imagined I'd share my story with. If that seemed unlikely, her sharing her story in return wasn't even on my radar, but she did and I felt honoured. It's been so long since anyone has told me their story, mainly because they hear a little bit about me and don't want to burden me. That didn't happen and it's changed things. People trust me still. I'm not too broken to ever be a support for others. It gave me hope in a way I haven't had in a long time. I matter to other people and stories should be shared. Hearing stories of experience gives inspiration and hope in a way that nothing else can quite manage.
While we're on mission I have to give a 7 minute evangelistic talk. Stories should be shared. I know what I need to talk about. I have to be brave. I have strength to do this because God has lined up so many people recently to encourage me all over again. Today I am thankful, because my voice may be quiet, my mind may be loud, but God is loudest of all and that's exactly all I need.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23
I guess what I really need to say is things aren't great in my life right now. The struggles of being poorly over Christmas haven't really gone away and now I'm struggling intensely in every aspect of life. Getting out of bed some days is a challenge, let alone the act of getting out of pjs and in to clothes. I'm not feeding myself appropriately nor am I behaving sensibly around food when I am eating. I'm getting angry at little things. I've had moments of trying to find relief in self harm. I cry a lot more than I don't. I'm losing weight and people are noticing. I have a constant weight on my shoulders. I'm back in therapy that I can't really afford. I'm not communicating with friends as I should. The thought of the future has left me wanting to die.
And yet, here I am. In the last 10 days I have co-ordinated catering at 2 events, facilitated prayer spaces for an all-age service, led endless children's activities and prayer meetings, babysat and many other things. I am still breathing. I haven't hurt myself this week. I've reached out to people in a way I haven't in a very long time. I'm in a total daze and physically exhausted but I'm alive and that is what is important. I've given out so so much this weekend for this morning, and the second the service started I knew everything we'd done was right. I was filled afresh and totally blessed by everything that happened.
It's not been easy these past couple of weeks. I went to an amazing children's leaders conference and then had a brilliant 4 day holiday to Budapest. I didn't take care of myself in any of that time and that's what has left me in this muddle now. I've pushed my body to its limits. Mentally I'd love to go to sleep and never wake up. However I've never felt so loved and valued by people around me.
This week I had a really raw, honest, vulnerable conversation with a pastor in a coffee shop. Someone I never imagined I'd share my story with. If that seemed unlikely, her sharing her story in return wasn't even on my radar, but she did and I felt honoured. It's been so long since anyone has told me their story, mainly because they hear a little bit about me and don't want to burden me. That didn't happen and it's changed things. People trust me still. I'm not too broken to ever be a support for others. It gave me hope in a way I haven't had in a long time. I matter to other people and stories should be shared. Hearing stories of experience gives inspiration and hope in a way that nothing else can quite manage.
While we're on mission I have to give a 7 minute evangelistic talk. Stories should be shared. I know what I need to talk about. I have to be brave. I have strength to do this because God has lined up so many people recently to encourage me all over again. Today I am thankful, because my voice may be quiet, my mind may be loud, but God is loudest of all and that's exactly all I need.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23
Thursday, 8 October 2015
It's not all rainbows
A friend of mine wrote a new blog post today and so I hopped on over to her blog to read it. And then her post from a year ago caught my eye. She wrote about how she thought things would be easier now she lived with other Christians and worked for a church, but it was still difficult. It hit home. I've hit exactly the same wall, and I've been kind of avoiding blogging because I don't want to sound horrible and negative.
Genuinely, I love this place; I love the people I live with; I love the work I'm doing; I love my boss; I love that I have a room mate. That doesn't mean everything is rosy.
I think one of the hardest things for me recently has been living in community. We do everything together; live, work, eat, pray, socialise. I am not used to that. Over the last 3 weeks I have had a crash course in living with people. Over the last 8 months I have taught myself to cope with mental illness. I have not yet taught myself to cope with mental illness while living in community. It's flipping hard. I want to shut down and hide in bed until my brain resets. I want someone to hug me 24/7. I have not yet managed to find the balance; letting people in without worrying them. It is hard.
I had a bit of a bad experience my first week. A fellow intern didn't believe something I disclosed to her. Since then it has been increasingly hard thing to open up, because what if no-one else believes me? The other night, while on Alpha training, we had to do a role play. My character was one with a negative attitude. Someone else in my group commented after that it's really hard to deal with me when I'm being negative and that I'm a heavy presence. They were commenting on the character, alas it went straight in to my head "See, you're heavy. Lose some weight. People might take you seriously then. No-one likes a miserable cow."
I had a 1:1 meeting with an incredibly trusted person yesterday. She was present for the Alpha training and mentioned that she was frantically praying when my "negative attitude" was being commented on that I didn't take it to heart. At least I could be honest with her about it all! I had one of those moments while speaking to her when I say things I didn't even realise I was thinking, I'm not going to lie, my head is a lot darker than I care to say out loud, but she gets me and doesn't shy away when I tell her the truth. We talked, I cried, we laughed, she prayed. I felt better.
I know one meeting doesn't fix everything but admitting it is the first step. I'm exhausted and I find it so much harder to fight when I'm tired. I'm constantly busy and I've been neglecting the life-affirming friends who mean so much to me. I'm giving myself constantly but not taking time for myself. This has to change. I cannot survive like this.
In our first week our School of Ministry pastor gave us a bit of a catch phrase, that he'd been given while praying; "not just surviving; thriving" and right now I'm bouncing in the ocean. I'm not sinking, but I'm definitely not swimming. It's not a life, it's an existence. I have such an opportunity this year and I cannot throw it away because I let mental illness win for the 100th time. I need to embrace every moment of time with people, but also make time for myself. Sometimes that time for myself can be with my dearest friends, sometimes it can just be taking an extra long shower. I need to focus on our teaching sessions. It's such a gift to be getting such amazing theology teaching and I don't want to miss out. Most of all I need to grow closer to God in so many ways. I need to be more disciplined. Sit and have quiet times with God, read my Bible every day, take time to listen to what He wants to say to me.
Yesterday a friend told me "sometime we have to have bad days in order to see the progress we have made". I couldn't see it as she said it, but the more we talked the more I saw just how far I've come in 11 months. And I've got 11 more months to go even further. Challenge accepted.
Genuinely, I love this place; I love the people I live with; I love the work I'm doing; I love my boss; I love that I have a room mate. That doesn't mean everything is rosy.
I think one of the hardest things for me recently has been living in community. We do everything together; live, work, eat, pray, socialise. I am not used to that. Over the last 3 weeks I have had a crash course in living with people. Over the last 8 months I have taught myself to cope with mental illness. I have not yet taught myself to cope with mental illness while living in community. It's flipping hard. I want to shut down and hide in bed until my brain resets. I want someone to hug me 24/7. I have not yet managed to find the balance; letting people in without worrying them. It is hard.
I had a bit of a bad experience my first week. A fellow intern didn't believe something I disclosed to her. Since then it has been increasingly hard thing to open up, because what if no-one else believes me? The other night, while on Alpha training, we had to do a role play. My character was one with a negative attitude. Someone else in my group commented after that it's really hard to deal with me when I'm being negative and that I'm a heavy presence. They were commenting on the character, alas it went straight in to my head "See, you're heavy. Lose some weight. People might take you seriously then. No-one likes a miserable cow."
I had a 1:1 meeting with an incredibly trusted person yesterday. She was present for the Alpha training and mentioned that she was frantically praying when my "negative attitude" was being commented on that I didn't take it to heart. At least I could be honest with her about it all! I had one of those moments while speaking to her when I say things I didn't even realise I was thinking, I'm not going to lie, my head is a lot darker than I care to say out loud, but she gets me and doesn't shy away when I tell her the truth. We talked, I cried, we laughed, she prayed. I felt better.
I know one meeting doesn't fix everything but admitting it is the first step. I'm exhausted and I find it so much harder to fight when I'm tired. I'm constantly busy and I've been neglecting the life-affirming friends who mean so much to me. I'm giving myself constantly but not taking time for myself. This has to change. I cannot survive like this.
In our first week our School of Ministry pastor gave us a bit of a catch phrase, that he'd been given while praying; "not just surviving; thriving" and right now I'm bouncing in the ocean. I'm not sinking, but I'm definitely not swimming. It's not a life, it's an existence. I have such an opportunity this year and I cannot throw it away because I let mental illness win for the 100th time. I need to embrace every moment of time with people, but also make time for myself. Sometimes that time for myself can be with my dearest friends, sometimes it can just be taking an extra long shower. I need to focus on our teaching sessions. It's such a gift to be getting such amazing theology teaching and I don't want to miss out. Most of all I need to grow closer to God in so many ways. I need to be more disciplined. Sit and have quiet times with God, read my Bible every day, take time to listen to what He wants to say to me.
Yesterday a friend told me "sometime we have to have bad days in order to see the progress we have made". I couldn't see it as she said it, but the more we talked the more I saw just how far I've come in 11 months. And I've got 11 more months to go even further. Challenge accepted.
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