One giant leap of faith

Anyone who has known me for a while, or has asked me to do something slightly out of the ordinary, will know that I play things safe. My childhood was spent going on school trips and battling anxiety attacks so that I never actually did anything too exciting. Example: I have been to Egypt twice. I have twice avoided the chance to ride a camel because it wasn't 100% safe. I've cried my way through flights, driving lessons, cable car rides, the thought of abseiling, boat trips; you name it, I've cried.

Top Tip: don't EVER put me on a rollercoaster.

If you have known me for longer than 6 months, the next thing I say might surprise you. I have a job as a Children and Families Worker. Yes, I just said that. For as long as I can remember I have said the words "I love children's work but I could never do it as a job". Once again, I have learnt if I say "never" God says "Let's do this!". FLIP.

It isn't as simple as me saying I applied for this job, attended an interview and got it, which is usually how one gets a job, and largely the visible process I went through. However that isn't the full story.

My current job ends in 2 weeks so I was happily job hunting for more events-based jobs. A colleague/friend then sent me a link to this job. I laughed because he knows exactly what I think of children's work- he dealt with all my protests about it for a whole year. I nearly sent him a very sharp and sarcastic response but something stopped me.

I applied for an events job alongside the children's worker role because bizarrely I had time to spare for a change! It was Bank Holiday weekend and I'd also been off sick from work for 2 days.

I got an interview for the very safe events job. The day before the interview, I got offered an interview for the children's worker role. I nearly cried because I never dreamt I had a chance at the job. That was hint 1 that I was not cut out for events for life.

I went to the first interview, and by the end of the conversation knew I would die of boredom if I ever got the job. I have never felt that about a job before, I'm always a person who is content with what comes my way. I also knew that if I got offered the job and took it, I would have settled for second best. That was hint 2 that I wasn't meant to do it.

The day after interview 1 I went for a walk in Port Meadow. I have no idea why, but God always speaks to me there without fail. I was walking a path I always walk and spotted another. He asked me why I didn't walk on the other path. Hint 3 was quite an obvious one.

3 days after the interview, and the day before interview 2, I got offered a second interview for the first job. I sent my friends a message asking what I should do, and all of them said "keep your options open". That didn't sit quite right even though so many people told me the same thing. I've always maintained that the thing I love most about commuting is the time and space to process. Driving to the interview, I knew so clearly what I had to do. God had been asking me for 48 hours "do you trust Me?" and I'd been seeking the answer from elsewhere rather than turning to Him. I had to reject the second interview for the first job. When I realised it, God said super clearly "if you trust I am good, you need to say no".

I went to the interview for the Children's worker role with such peace. It was 2 parts and time with the toddler group. I thought I spoke absolute nonsense. I stumbled over words, could barely articulate what experience I had or why I thought I'd be good for the role. I was up against two people they already knew. I was a complete outsider. I walked out of that interview and prayed. Sent a quick email to the other place declining their second interview and waited. Internally judging my performance, and admonishing myself for not having coffee before, I believed I'd thrown away two job opportunities in the space of one morning.

Obviously, I was wrong. For the first time in years I took a real risk. I leapt out of my comfort zone, not quite knowing whether the safety net would be there. God is good and God is faithful. Proverbs 3:5-6 is a perfect culmination of my last 2 weeks.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight. 

Settling In

A week goes incredibly fast when you're busy. It has been 7 days since I moved from the comfort of my own room, in a small place, with one other person and a tortoise for company to a shared room, in a 4 storey house, with 10 other people. I predicted this would be horribly overwhelming and I wouldn't be able to cope and I'd have a meltdown and be desperate to leave and go back to my own safe space. Apparently it's been quite different.

We started with a church event; God's Empowering Presence Day. It was long, and intense. There was lots of worship and seeking the Lord and some of it felt so irrelevant to me. However I started to realise (though it took me a few more days to articulate) that the world was starting to become brighter. The colours more intense. The people less intimidating. Now, don't get me wrong, I still find crowds and unknown people and being out alone at night particularly anxiety provoking, but things seem a bit more real. I've been floating through the world for so long and finally I'm beginning to find my place.

The earlier part of this week was spent meeting people. So many people. I'm so thankful that I know them all because if I had to learn names and offices and job roles and remember what they do for interns then my brain would have exploded. Alongside that, our pastor didn't give us a timetable until late on Monday afternoon. For a girl who likes routine and knowing what is happening, this was incredibly unsettling. But I coped, so much better than I could have expected, because everyone was in the same situation.

Wednesday afternoon was the thing I had been so desperately waiting for. Department time! The wonderful children's pastor took us out for coffee, outlined our job descriptions and talked a little bit more about our responsibilities. I'm going to be leading the weekday 0-5s group. Terrifying but exciting!

And then came our time off. So glorious. I saw 4 of the Oxford colleges with some of the girls, had coffee and cake with friends, cooked for everyone, and went to a house warming party. And it was all so wonderful. So many people commenting just how happy I seem at the moment. There's stuff going on under the surface; today I had a bit of an anxiety meltdown. But it's still so wonderful. And then my best friend today said how happy I looked in my photo and that it's so rare that my genuine smile is captured.

I'm so thankful. Things feel so right, even when it seems difficult. I have to appreciate every good day, because I can never guarantee the next.

This year won't be easy, but it will be worth it. I'm so excited to see how things change!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" 
-Proverbs 3:5-6