New Year, New Me.

We all know how it works. The time changes from 23:59 to 00:00. The year increases one number. And somehow a switch is flicked and suddenly we are a brand new version of ourselves. Everything resets and we have a brand new chance to be the very best person we can be. Whatever happened the previous year is behind us and forgotten. No-one ever references our mistakes and failures ever again. 

Oh, that isn't how it works? Darn it. There was me thinking I've been doing something wrong every single year. 

We set ourselves goals; resolve to change ourselves in some way. We strive for the latest idea of perfection which no doubt, as the year goes on, will change. Currently it's all about being skinny without being too skinny and eating only plant based food or is it being an ethical vegan?! Correct me if I'm wrong, I'm not really down with the latest cool things, and you definitely can't ever beat a three cheese toastie on thick white bread. MMMM melted cheese. 

Anyway...

Somehow the increase of a single digit on the year means we must improve ourselves exponentially. It's like starting that diet "on Monday" or joining the gym at the start of the month but on a massive scale. A new year means we must try and change everything all at once, and to me that just seems to be a recipe for disaster. And yet still I give in to the pressure every year and make these resolutions, that by February I've lost momentum with and by December can't for the life of me remember what they were! 

My 2015 started in a suitably miserable way. Home alone and watching New Year's Eve. There was probably some tears and a bit of self harm chucked in there too. My likely resolution was "don't see the end of 2015". But look, on the 30th December 2015, here I am. Alive and kicking. It would be an understatement to say that a lot changes in 12 months. A lot changes every 12 months between my birthdays too, but I don't sit there the night before my birthday making a list of things I want to change by the time I get to my next birthday. I could pick any random day and say by this time next year I want this to be different, but I don't. So why do we do it for a new year? 

I see a lot of things on social media these days about people who struggle with the concept of a new year and all the improvements they must make. It really is simply another day. It's taken me YEARS to learn that. I find this time of year difficult. It's when the "you don't belong in next year" thoughts shout loudest. But if that were the case, why once I made it to 2013, to 2014, to 2015 was I allowed to live in the months following January but not that first month? It makes no sense. The month rolls over, the date changes, but this happens every 28-31 days. This December 31st-1st January I am trying to make a conscious effort to not do anything "special" Yes I will hang out with friends, but I will come home when I'm tired. Yes, I will set myself a list of goals for the year but I'm not committed to them. I'd love to join a gym and lose xkg by March and give up x, y and z but what's the point? 

God made me as I am, and the only improvements I should be making should be ones drawing me closer to Christ. I don't need to change my body, I don't need to "think more happy thoughts" and no matter how many professionals tell me exercise will help my mood I know for a fact it doesn't and it achieves nothing but actually exacerbating my depression (fun fact about me right there ;)) so why do I need to force myself to go to the gym at least 3 times a week? Friday is just the start of another month. Instead of trying to change myself, I'm going to work harder on making sure I am truly thankful for all that I already have. I'm going to let God use me for good things. I'm going to be brave (there'll be a post about that on Friday!). I cannot change myself, by myself. I can do it only with God. 

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Ephesians 4:22-24

Suicide

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I felt like I should blog to mark the occasion, because suicide affects everyone, even if you don't know it yet. It may be you, the person reading this. Please know that there's more to life than whatever you're going through now. It may be someone in your family, a close friend, someone you mentor. They've told you and now you're supporting them. Love them, let them know you're there but please don't sacrifice your own mental health for the sake of another. They want you to be ok too. Finally there's those who don't say a word, who day to day function, you'd never guess. It might be a close friend, a colleague, someone who pretends it is all ok. Give them somewhere safe to talk. I speak from experience when I say it is one of the most terrifying things to tell someone your innermost thoughts.

2 years ago, I posted on Facebook about World Suicide Prevention Day and how anyone could be struggling but we just don't know. I'd taken my first serious overdose as an adult 2 months prior. A lot of people reading that status had no idea just how much I was trying to prevent someone else being in the same position I had been.

I decided I wanted to see what had changed so scrolled through my blog from last year. Honestly, I don't have a clue who the shell of a person was writing those things. I can't put myself in her shoes. I can't even work out what she was going through. How did I get so poorly and slip so easily under the radar? I was destroying myself a bit more every day. No, at that time I wasn't overdosing but I have no idea how I was even getting dressed, going in to work, convincing my manager that it was a blip; telling the CMHT desperately that I didn't want to live any more. I was chronically suicidal and yet, because my mood wasn't declining (how could it?!) they did nothing.

One year later, several referrals to the CMHT, a re-referral to ED services, another round of failed therapy, more medications, an unsupportive job and eventually 8 months of unemployment; I am sat here. In one piece. About to start my latest adventure.

I was empty, there was nothing left of Becca. And yet, I still had friends who loved me; people who spent endless hours telling me it would be ok, that I was beautiful, that I was loved, that God loved me (even when I was a total mess!). They came over to cook for me when I couldn't face cooking, they gave me a safe place to stay for a night when I couldn't trust myself, they turned up on my doorstep when I tried to push them away, they text me just to remind me they were there. I couldn't have done it without them all, nor without God providing for me when I thought I had lost everything. I needed stability in a whirlwind of chaos.

This time last year, I never imagined I would be sat here now. I couldn't see the next hour, let alone the next year. But here I am. I came out the other side. I'm not going to sit here and say everything is ok now. It isn't. I know I still need my medication every single day; no matter what that little voice says. I know that change still sends me spiralling to an extent. I know I'll probably need to end up back in therapy at some point. I know that the little voice gets louder when I'm tired, and when I'm hormonal. But I know there is so much more than taking those pills I crave. So much more than trying to starve myself until I don't exist. Sometimes we need darkness to appreciate the light. Sometimes we have to have moments to remind us how far we've come. I'm dealing with new things. Things I hadn't ever mentioned before. But it's because I'm stronger now. I can cope (just about). It isn't easy but I know it's going to be worth it. God broke me down and rebuilt me once before, He can do it again. I know He will. And this time I need to trust Him, because it will be worth it. Life is so much more worth it than sitting every day hoping this will be my last, hoping that people forget about me, praying that I don't wake up the next day. That's not even existing. Life is for living. Please, if you're hurting, know how loved you are, how valuable your life is, know someone is waiting for you to talk. It's terrifying, but it's worth it. Please. Speak out. No life is ever worth destroying. Hold on. Reach out. I love you.

Finally, I just discovered this blog post. It's haunting. It's beautiful. It has better words than I ever could write. Please read it. Don't be afraid.