Yesterday afternoon I had an email telling me that I am not able to go back to camp this summer. I am not 6 months medication-free and they do not have enough returner visas that it is unlikely that I will get one therefore they have terminated my application. These reasons are frustrating- they would have known both these things 3 weeks ago and yet made me collect a ton of evidence to say I'm well enough and dragged it out this long to still tell me that I can't go because of things they knew about when I submitted my application.
Mere months ago I would have cried as I read the email and for hours after, hit my self destruct button and done everything in my power to punish myself/prove I obviously am not well enough. I wouldn't shower for days because I don't deserve the self care. I probably would have stopped taking my medication because it "wasn't working" and would land myself back seeing my GP begging for a CMHT referral.
Yesterday I held it together in the Parish Centre when I read the email. Went and sat in a coffee shop, my friend arrived and I cried for all of 5 minutes. Then I went and had dinner with friends, told them I couldn't get a visa in time without crying, and genuinely enjoyed time with amazing people. I cried a bit at the church prayer meeting. Then I came home and slept like a baby.
Today I have moped and binge watched Gilmore Girls. I have eaten normally, left the house to get a coffee, and had a perfectly rational conversation with my mother on the phone. I have also finally got back in to my Bible study. I'm planning to wash my hair tonight.
Tomorrow I will spend my day tidying, sorting laundry and then going for cocktails with friends in the evening. I have to be sensible and not drink too much because I'm pretty sure it'll make me feel awful on Saturday but I'm prepared for that.
And next week will continue as normal. Because this wasn't part of God's plan for me. There are better things in store for the summer- concerts with friends, weekends away, random job opportunities, volunteering, happiness.
Many are the plans in a person's heart,
but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 21:19
Thursday, 30 April 2015
Sunday, 26 April 2015
Moving forward
About a year ago I went to the late service at my church. I was a mess. I sat shaking the entire service, knowing that I was only there because I wasn't safe to go home. At one point, a woman said she had had a picture of someone being sat in a cell. The door was wide open but they didn't leave. They continued to sit there. It struck me that night, that that image was for me. I was sat in that cell. I knew that the door was open. I knew I could recover and yet there I was sat waiting for someone to pull me out of that cell. That was the first night I'd told anyone at church that I was suicidal and let them pray for me. I wanted everything to stop.
Last June I was baptised and someone prayed for me after and said the shackle had been opened but I had to take the step. I've prayed in to that image many times but still, the foot stayed.
I don't even know what I was praying about tonight in church but suddenly an image appeared in my head. There was an open shackle and several feet away was myself, walking away from that shackle. Tonight I finally knew freedom. I know that it doesn't mean the troubles are over. I know that I could easily turn around and run back to what I know to be safe. But right now I'm moving forward. I'm praying that I leave that awful chain behind. Recovery is happening. I am stronger and more determined and I will keep going. With God's strength, I can win.
He brought them out of the darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains.
Psalm 107:14
Last June I was baptised and someone prayed for me after and said the shackle had been opened but I had to take the step. I've prayed in to that image many times but still, the foot stayed.
I don't even know what I was praying about tonight in church but suddenly an image appeared in my head. There was an open shackle and several feet away was myself, walking away from that shackle. Tonight I finally knew freedom. I know that it doesn't mean the troubles are over. I know that I could easily turn around and run back to what I know to be safe. But right now I'm moving forward. I'm praying that I leave that awful chain behind. Recovery is happening. I am stronger and more determined and I will keep going. With God's strength, I can win.
He brought them out of the darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains.
Psalm 107:14
Friday, 10 April 2015
Lent Experiments
The season of Lent has always been about fasting- I spent most of my childhood giving up chocolate or meat and being all "I do it because Jesus fasted for 40 days in the desert".
This year Lent took on a different meaning for me. Yes, I gave up buying coffee from chain coffee shops (yes I survived Lent with no Starbucks!) but this year I had different reasons. I want to be more conscious of where my money goes. Not necessarily in the sense of how much I'm spending (although I do need to reign that in) but actually why am I spending money in places that evade taxes and ignoring the local businesses that are much more ethically minded?
I won't lie- I have never cared previously about where things have come from and whether workers are treated fairly. I don't buy only fair trade, I buy things regardless of whether it is local produce or not, I still fly places. But I want that to change. I want to be more aware of what I'm supporting, good and bad, and try to minimise the unethical behaviours I am funding. While I may not be passionate about it, I know I need to change and I want to. I am a privileged white girl living in a first world country but that doesn't mean I should flaunt my background- everyone deserves a chance at a good quality of life and if I can do a little bit to make a difference I will. God gave us this earth to look after and I need to do my bit.
I was part of a community carrying out experiments of discipleship over the Lent period this year. We chose three goals, relating to different parts of our lives in which to change things. We didn't necessarily do the same things, nor did we all give up things.
I took up turning my phone off when I was around friends. I need to be more present in life and not live through technology. This was largely successful however I realised just who I feel safe around and who the anxiety is too great around and in those situations I at least wasn't holding on to my phone the entire time, but it was switched on *just in case*. It's hard, but I'm getting there. I would like to develop this in to only accessing the internet for 3 hours a day. It will take some work, but I will get there.
I also tried to regulate my sleep cycle so I get up in the mornings and follow the structure of my day. This hasn't really worked in any way. Taking meds, not taking meds, lying in bed endlessly for hours, making sure I exercise in the day; nothing has enabled me to sleep at a similar time every night. I need to work on this as I cannot continue with such an obscure sleeping pattern. I also really want to get up early enough to read my Bible every morning. I will get there. It just takes a bit longer than Lent!
I must say though, having a group of us holding each other accountable has really helped! I always had in my mind that accountability groups were for people who had really bad issues and needed help turning away from them but actually they work for the day to day things too!
I'm going to set goals more frequently, and make sure I have other people supporting me when doing so. I will change things and I will get back in to a positive mind frame because other things fall in to place.
I'm so thankful for opportunities like this that remind me that no-one has the perfect life and we can all strive to make changes and it is ok to fail or not get there as quickly as expected. It's ok. It's trying that is important.
This year Lent took on a different meaning for me. Yes, I gave up buying coffee from chain coffee shops (yes I survived Lent with no Starbucks!) but this year I had different reasons. I want to be more conscious of where my money goes. Not necessarily in the sense of how much I'm spending (although I do need to reign that in) but actually why am I spending money in places that evade taxes and ignoring the local businesses that are much more ethically minded?
I won't lie- I have never cared previously about where things have come from and whether workers are treated fairly. I don't buy only fair trade, I buy things regardless of whether it is local produce or not, I still fly places. But I want that to change. I want to be more aware of what I'm supporting, good and bad, and try to minimise the unethical behaviours I am funding. While I may not be passionate about it, I know I need to change and I want to. I am a privileged white girl living in a first world country but that doesn't mean I should flaunt my background- everyone deserves a chance at a good quality of life and if I can do a little bit to make a difference I will. God gave us this earth to look after and I need to do my bit.
I was part of a community carrying out experiments of discipleship over the Lent period this year. We chose three goals, relating to different parts of our lives in which to change things. We didn't necessarily do the same things, nor did we all give up things.
I took up turning my phone off when I was around friends. I need to be more present in life and not live through technology. This was largely successful however I realised just who I feel safe around and who the anxiety is too great around and in those situations I at least wasn't holding on to my phone the entire time, but it was switched on *just in case*. It's hard, but I'm getting there. I would like to develop this in to only accessing the internet for 3 hours a day. It will take some work, but I will get there.
I also tried to regulate my sleep cycle so I get up in the mornings and follow the structure of my day. This hasn't really worked in any way. Taking meds, not taking meds, lying in bed endlessly for hours, making sure I exercise in the day; nothing has enabled me to sleep at a similar time every night. I need to work on this as I cannot continue with such an obscure sleeping pattern. I also really want to get up early enough to read my Bible every morning. I will get there. It just takes a bit longer than Lent!
I must say though, having a group of us holding each other accountable has really helped! I always had in my mind that accountability groups were for people who had really bad issues and needed help turning away from them but actually they work for the day to day things too!
I'm going to set goals more frequently, and make sure I have other people supporting me when doing so. I will change things and I will get back in to a positive mind frame because other things fall in to place.
I'm so thankful for opportunities like this that remind me that no-one has the perfect life and we can all strive to make changes and it is ok to fail or not get there as quickly as expected. It's ok. It's trying that is important.
Thursday, 19 March 2015
Spring Time is full of possibilities
Decided it was time to enter the blogging world- the grown up blogging world.
One quarter of the way through 2015 and it's been such a whirlwind already. One complete breakdown, one horrific work meeting, one resignation letter and an awful lot of cakes later and I'm finally feeling human again. I can once again think further ahead than the next two hours. I'm not spending my days in pjs because getting dressed is impossible, but because I'm comfy in them! I'm volunteering and feeling useful. I'm socialising. I'm participating in life. My house is a tip because I'm busy, not because it reflects my mental state. Dare I say it, but I actually am happy. I'm confident. I'm comfortable with the whole situation. Nothing feels out of control.
Over a year after being referred, I finally started pre-therapy this past Monday. I was anxious beforehand, but who isn't starting something new? Especially in a group! I was surprised when I got there. I slotted in to the group setting easily- once I relax, I love social situations so this was not surprising. As the group began, everyone gave an update of their weeks; what had happened, how they felt, what they want to work on this coming week. I didn't really know what to say so simply admitted I had been anxious about coming in to the group. As the morning progressed, there were stories of broken relationships, difficult family dynamics, alcohol and so on. We did an activity about where we'd like to travel or places we had deep connections to. Almost everyone said that these things would never happen yet there was such longing in their voices to get away from here, their situations, their lives. I left the group feeling so out of place- I don't have these things going on, I don't have a desire to escape life. I felt like a spoilt onl;y child who didn't get her way in life and had an extended tantrum. I'm not sick, why am I taking up a valuable space in the group?
I went to see my friend after and spent some time playing with her 2 year old son. It was joyful but there was still this nagging in the back of my head. I couldn't pin it down though. I spoke to a friend in the evening and she was simply saying I was in that situation at work but with that gone the stress had died down, but I still wasn't "well". I just shrugged it off as exhaustion from the anxiety.
On Tuesday, I had an interview for internship at church. It was intense in parts but overall I think it went well so I'm just praying this is what God has planned for me. I went for a drink after with a friend and that's when it clicked about therapy on Monday. I've never been in such an environment where God is so obviously lacking from it- the broken lives and the absolute hopelessness that this is as good as it gets. While yes, I have days of absolute despair where I can't imagine life getting any better I know there is more than this. After disclosing my battle with self harm to a senior pastor from church on Sunday he said to me "the best is yet to come" and that is such awesome truth. The best will never come until Jesus returns but it will come. All suffering will end. We can't know when, but it will end. Even when this life feels so impossible, it's ok because it isn't forever.
As much as this group could potentially drain me to nothing, I will continue to pray for the people in the group; for their situations, that they can see hope and that I can be that beacon in the darkness; that I'm brave enough to say that I live my life from God's strength and not my own, that I can be used for God's purpose in the group and that the others can see Jesus saves. I have seen that Salvation and I pray that they will too.
Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Saviour,
and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Do not remember the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you, Lord, are good.
Psalm 25 v4-7
One quarter of the way through 2015 and it's been such a whirlwind already. One complete breakdown, one horrific work meeting, one resignation letter and an awful lot of cakes later and I'm finally feeling human again. I can once again think further ahead than the next two hours. I'm not spending my days in pjs because getting dressed is impossible, but because I'm comfy in them! I'm volunteering and feeling useful. I'm socialising. I'm participating in life. My house is a tip because I'm busy, not because it reflects my mental state. Dare I say it, but I actually am happy. I'm confident. I'm comfortable with the whole situation. Nothing feels out of control.
Over a year after being referred, I finally started pre-therapy this past Monday. I was anxious beforehand, but who isn't starting something new? Especially in a group! I was surprised when I got there. I slotted in to the group setting easily- once I relax, I love social situations so this was not surprising. As the group began, everyone gave an update of their weeks; what had happened, how they felt, what they want to work on this coming week. I didn't really know what to say so simply admitted I had been anxious about coming in to the group. As the morning progressed, there were stories of broken relationships, difficult family dynamics, alcohol and so on. We did an activity about where we'd like to travel or places we had deep connections to. Almost everyone said that these things would never happen yet there was such longing in their voices to get away from here, their situations, their lives. I left the group feeling so out of place- I don't have these things going on, I don't have a desire to escape life. I felt like a spoilt onl;y child who didn't get her way in life and had an extended tantrum. I'm not sick, why am I taking up a valuable space in the group?
I went to see my friend after and spent some time playing with her 2 year old son. It was joyful but there was still this nagging in the back of my head. I couldn't pin it down though. I spoke to a friend in the evening and she was simply saying I was in that situation at work but with that gone the stress had died down, but I still wasn't "well". I just shrugged it off as exhaustion from the anxiety.
On Tuesday, I had an interview for internship at church. It was intense in parts but overall I think it went well so I'm just praying this is what God has planned for me. I went for a drink after with a friend and that's when it clicked about therapy on Monday. I've never been in such an environment where God is so obviously lacking from it- the broken lives and the absolute hopelessness that this is as good as it gets. While yes, I have days of absolute despair where I can't imagine life getting any better I know there is more than this. After disclosing my battle with self harm to a senior pastor from church on Sunday he said to me "the best is yet to come" and that is such awesome truth. The best will never come until Jesus returns but it will come. All suffering will end. We can't know when, but it will end. Even when this life feels so impossible, it's ok because it isn't forever.
As much as this group could potentially drain me to nothing, I will continue to pray for the people in the group; for their situations, that they can see hope and that I can be that beacon in the darkness; that I'm brave enough to say that I live my life from God's strength and not my own, that I can be used for God's purpose in the group and that the others can see Jesus saves. I have seen that Salvation and I pray that they will too.
Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Saviour,
and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Do not remember the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you, Lord, are good.
Psalm 25 v4-7
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