Yesterday afternoon I had an email telling me that I am not able to go back to camp this summer. I am not 6 months medication-free and they do not have enough returner visas that it is unlikely that I will get one therefore they have terminated my application. These reasons are frustrating- they would have known both these things 3 weeks ago and yet made me collect a ton of evidence to say I'm well enough and dragged it out this long to still tell me that I can't go because of things they knew about when I submitted my application.
Mere months ago I would have cried as I read the email and for hours after, hit my self destruct button and done everything in my power to punish myself/prove I obviously am not well enough. I wouldn't shower for days because I don't deserve the self care. I probably would have stopped taking my medication because it "wasn't working" and would land myself back seeing my GP begging for a CMHT referral.
Yesterday I held it together in the Parish Centre when I read the email. Went and sat in a coffee shop, my friend arrived and I cried for all of 5 minutes. Then I went and had dinner with friends, told them I couldn't get a visa in time without crying, and genuinely enjoyed time with amazing people. I cried a bit at the church prayer meeting. Then I came home and slept like a baby.
Today I have moped and binge watched Gilmore Girls. I have eaten normally, left the house to get a coffee, and had a perfectly rational conversation with my mother on the phone. I have also finally got back in to my Bible study. I'm planning to wash my hair tonight.
Tomorrow I will spend my day tidying, sorting laundry and then going for cocktails with friends in the evening. I have to be sensible and not drink too much because I'm pretty sure it'll make me feel awful on Saturday but I'm prepared for that.
And next week will continue as normal. Because this wasn't part of God's plan for me. There are better things in store for the summer- concerts with friends, weekends away, random job opportunities, volunteering, happiness.
Many are the plans in a person's heart,
but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 21:19
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