Saying Goodbye...

For some time now I've subconsciously known that this trip to New Jersey, that I've just returned from, would be my last. A couple of weeks prior to departure some things happened (which I am not going to divulge) and I began to admit, out loud, that really this would be my last adventure over there.

We arrived on the Friday. On the Saturday I was having to say the first round of goodbyes. Having spent ages preparing myself to say "this is going to be my last trip for a few years", I omitted that some may ask "why?". And so the first response to this was "I just feel like it's time to move on". In all honesty, that is a truly pathetic reply when saying goodbye to some dear friends who have supported you through some really tough times. Thankfully they didn't ask further questions.

As the week went on, the goodbyes got harder. I'd perfected the answer to "why?" and "I'm never coming back again" had morphed in to "I won't be back for a few years at least"; which is easier to say to people who care deeply.

And then we came to Friday- the day my travel buddy left. Now, there are things she knows about me that not even some of my friends who live round the corner know, and yet still I couldn't find the right words to use to say goodbye. I still haven't managed to give her a reason, but I know she won't ask. She knows I'll volunteer information as needed. She's been wonderful and a very dear friend. I know I'll see her again, I just don't know when.

Saturday, the day I left. The tears had to arrive properly at some point, and once they started they continued to pour down my face as I drove to the airport. The final goodbye was to a family incredibly dear to me. They've rescued me when the town I was in was evacuated because of a hurricane, they've driven me places, introduced me to a new jewellery addiction, never flinched when I've told them of my past, and always been there with an open door and a smile whenever I've been in the area. One of their daughters has Rett Syndrome (find out more here) but that's never stopped our adventures- especially when cake is involved! Over the last few months, as my interest in special needs has waned, my passion for Rett Syndrome research hasn't. If I ever get around to doing some elaborate sponsored event (namely skydiving or abseiling) it will be for NJRSA. This family mean the world to me. And as I hugged them goodbye, one last time, "goodbye" became "see you later" and I prayed that the next time I see them isn't related to illness/disaster.

It isn't often you get to say goodbye, knowing it very well could be the last time you see someone. You say "see you soon!" and then something happens and you never see them again.

I don't have many regrets in life, but one thing I do look back on with sadness is never being able to say goodbye to my uncle while he was still alive. Except it's not true. Because I did have the chance, but routine dictated; he came to say goodbye, I ran away and hid. Who, at the age of 17, changes the habit of a lifetime and suddenly decides to be kind to relatives? Who thinks, at the age of 17, that this will be the last time you see someone to close to you while they're alive?  I didn't. I wish I'd cherished the time we had together.

And so, while it now seems crazy to say "goodbye" so sincerely when I'm thinking "maybe in 5 years I'll go back" or "I want them at my wedding", it's because I'm scared that I'll miss my chance to. It's a "just in case" because I love them so much. It would make it to my regret list if I didn't say goodbye when I had the chance. I know it's "see you later" but it scares me to not say "goodbye". It's a silly fear. If I cry and say "goodbye", I don't mean "goodbye" or "see you later", I mean "I love you".