Keeping an Open Mind

Something is floating around my mind currently is when does a slip up become a lapse and when does that lapse become a relapse? I've slipped back in to several bad habits and I'm not sure at what point I need to tell someone something is wrong.

I know everyone has bad days. I know that I am no exception to this. But every single time I have a bad day, I freak that I'm falling back in to depression and ohmygoodness how can I stop it? Then wake up the next morning, feeling better, realising that the previous day was just "one of those days".

I recently had one of these bad days while away at New Wine. I felt completely empty, everything felt wrong and I had no interest in anything at all. I was afraid I was hitting full relapse territory. Christians often preach on passions, and how every Christian should have a specific passion. I currently don't have one and I was so scared. I didn't have a passion, my depression is very definitely linked to lack of interest in anything, therefore I was depressed again and I was never getting out. I spent the rest of the day wallowing in self-pity because I am *never* going to be well and I'm going to be stuck in the grasp of depression forever.

The next day I had a bit of a revelation. I didn't wake up with interest in everything again, nor did I wake up feeling a whole lot better. Wandering around the site I realised that I didn't have a passion anymore and that is a good thing. I no longer feel that I *should* be passionate about working with people with different needs. I no longer feel that I need to return to nursing because that is my training background. I no longer feel the need to travel the world to escape life here in Oxford. This doesn't mean I'm depressed. I have the chance to reset myself. Rather than being interested in nothing, I can be open to everything. I can enter my internship with a completely open mind. I won't be sat there thinking "this isn't what I want to do" or "I wish I were doing x,y or z instead, because I don't care for this" I can be wondering where the year will lead me instead of wondering what could have been.

I can enter the internship I'm totally open to the possibilities to see where God takes me. This isn't a relapse, it's a shifting of priorities.