Progress

Today I went to see a new GP at a new GP surgery. He asked me questions about overdoses and self-harm and all the standard things you get asked when requesting anti-depressants from someone new. And it was seriously joyful to say I haven’t overdosed since November, haven’t had thoughts of doing so for at least 2 months and haven’t self-harmed since February.

I’ve spent a lot of time with friends recently reflecting on how far I’ve come in 18 months but actually I think it’s really been the last 4 months in which the biggest changes have occurred. I’ve been struggling to take credit for this. My friends have been crucial, the pastors at church have been vital and God has given me unreal strength to do this. But I had to take the first step.

I vowed in November that I’d never take another overdose and spent the rest of that evening and the next day crying because I was suddenly so desperate. You know the whole idea of a child so desperately wanting the thing they can’t have then having a tantrum? That was me. However at the same time, I was 24 and living alone miles away from friends; what was stopping me?  Unbelievable willpower because I’d made that vow and didn’t want to let others down.

In February, at my Complex Needs final assessment, the therapist said “in group we’ll work towards stopping you self-harming”. Self-harm was my “secret”, if there’s one thing I’ve felt ashamed about being unwell over the last 10 years, it’s the huge hold self-harm had over my life. I had no intention of ever discussing it in a group. How could I sit there and say “I deserve the pain, but I no longer know why” and “healed scars make me want new open cuts”? After that appointment, I told myself that the night before would be the last time I ever hurt myself. 121 days later and I’m still going. The urges appear once in a while, but I know I’ll never go back.

In this time, I have quit work due to bullying, gone through multiple interviews for an internship at my church and said goodbye to two good friends who are moving away. And I haven’t slipped once. My previous go-to method to cope with changes was to overdose, especially if involved saying goodbye to people. If I try to kill myself, they won’t leave, right? Last week that thought didn’t even cross my mind.

But actually what really made me consider my progress was the fact that I registered with a GP surgery and saw a doctor within 3 weeks of moving to this area. This time last year, it took over 3 months for me to even register, let alone see a GP. The fear of admitting to someone new that I was weak, vulnerable, needed medication was overwhelming. This time I knew I needed to stay stable. This time I knew medication is vital to keep me going. This time I want to keep myself well, to not slip back in to old habits, to keep fighting.

This battle hasn’t been easy in the slightest. I don’t win about 5% of the time, but 95% of the time I do. Day after day I wake up and have to choose again to fight. I have to choose to follow Jesus and not take an easier route. I have to choose life every single day. But it’s worth it: to have amazing memories; to have wonderful friends who well up when you tell them milestones; to have certainty that whatever happens God has a plan; to know that you aren’t alone in the fight; to live, because living is what we were created for.

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

Deuteronomy 30 v19-20