Be still.

There's a lot going on currently in my life. In some ways January flew past; so much happening, so many things to do, very little time to do it. On the other hand, it has felt like the longest month and I've been so desperate for February to arrive.

In all this I've had some time to reflect on what God was teaching me this time last year and what I need to remember for this year. Last January I had a breakdown. I ended up signed off sick for 2 months, in which time I was bullied in to resigning from my job. It was a horrific period of my life. And yet I learnt so much; about myself, about life and about God.

2016 started well; I was constantly busy, seeing so many friends and reconnecting with old friends, working extra hours, staying up later socialising with my housemates. Life is not sustainable  for mewhen I insist on doing everything and constantly say yes and so 2 weeks ago this "really positive start to 2016" backfired and in some capacity, mentally, I am in the same state I was 12 months ago. But this time I'm reminded of the major lesson I learnt last year. 

To slow down, take time and enjoy the moment.

A housemate recently commented that as a house we have slowed down. She said it like it wasn't the best thing. For me, it's one of the best things. We linger longer over dinner, don't need to be talking constantly, can just sit with each other without needing to be doing the same thing. It's comfortable and it leaves me feeling content. 

Several of my housemates are thinking about what to do once the internship ends. For me, this term is not about what is coming next. Last term was about settling in to a new routine, next term is about the future. This term is about simply enjoying things. I don't need to be worrying about what's next; where I'll live, what I'll be doing, who will still be in my life. God's got that sorted and I'm sure he'll prompt me when the time is right to start looking at those things. He did with the internship and He will again- when I trust Him (something I'm not doing too well at lately). 

When I got happy and busy I forgot about enjoying the little things. I haven't been sleeping well, but that means I've been waking up early and getting to see the sunrise: my favourite time of day. I've used my car a lot recently which means time to walk outside and through parks. I have a standing coffee date with my closest friend which means time to just people watch in the coffee shop while I wait for her. I need to take these moments. I need to grab on to them and appreciate them. I need to embrace the little moments of stillness and stop trying to fill them with more things. 

I'm surrounded by people who rush and feel like time is running away. That's not me. I learnt the hard way that I need to take time to rest, be still, be present in this moment and this moment alone. I don't want that reminder forced on me again. In teaching this week, the guy was saying "look at the birds" and "look at the flowers" are not mere suggestions in the Bible, they're instructions. This hit home. I've been ignoring the world around me. I've not been looking at the birds or the flowers, I've been looking at the floor. There's a statistic somewhere saying that you're more likely to experience mental health problems the further you live from green space. But for me, I live near green space but don't acknowledge it.

And in all of this I have neglected God. Things got too busy, everything was going really well and I stopped making real time for Him. My head was no longer full of praise, nor was it thinking of any requests. I may have been spot on in having quiet time every single day, but I wasn't making space for God in it. It's been all about getting it done to keep the routine in place and then going back to life. This isn't unusual for people who work in the church- God becomes work and business-like. He isn't 'living', more just a name on a page and a thing to pray to occasionally. I guess I'm writing this to show I'm human and to acknowledge my weakness. Something clicked in my head today and I don't want it to be like that. I want to acknowledge God in the small and the big. In the day to day and the unexpected. I need to get back to God. He has been so faithful in everything, so why do I run when I need Him most?

So, this is me saying I am here. I am in this moment. I am not in tomorrow, I am not in a week's time, or a month's time or a year's time. I am here now. And this is where I will be; in this moment, looking at everything around me; everything God has put in my life for a reason. I need to be still long enough to let Him speak. 

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still
Exodus 14:14